I met and coached a CEO recently and he confided in me that it can be lonely at the top. He is recognized throughout his organization as a wise and competent person. He is there to bounce ideas off of, is running the company, having regular management meetings and retreats and is managing the hiring and firing of the company.
The big distinction that came out of the coaching when to be formal versus informal. It’s a great lesson to learn.
Being folksy and informal is part of the American way. It’s down home, “Bill Clintonesque” and fun and lively. I teach charisma which shows a person how to have the ability to switch on the personality when it’s needed. This particular CEO felt a bit taken advantage of by one of his managers. They became good friends and golf buddies and slowly the friendship was mirrored in the boardroom. Slightly, ever so slightly, the formality wore off around the other managers and the CEO became more like one of the guys and not like the leader he once was.
We discussed that every human has basic needs and one is the need to be loved and admired. Those needs need to be filled, but the question is, by whom? Does a leader need to be loved by those he leads? Does he need to be strict or a lovable teddy bear type to be effective? What about you? Can you ask yourself: When should I act formal, if ever, and when should I act informal, if ever?
Certainly, each person has the right to answer those questions by themselves but the truth is that in most circles, being completely folksy won’t garner the type of respect that a person needs in order to maintain respect for ones work. Structures, protocols and guidelines can help a person who has the tendency to be down to earth in their personality, seem more formal in work. Without those structures, the “feel” is a bit loosey-goosey and not all that credible.
I’ve gone through my own formal versus informal game recently. I’m new in a community and am building a PR, coaching and communication business. I’ve got one of those gregarious, fun and lively personalities so that’s fun when I’m socializing. I’ve realized though that in business, that personality is best left on the shelf until I’ve proven my effectiveness in business. I have found that it’s best to be effective first, and have fun later. I’ve even decided that because I’m in the community with friends AND potential clients, to save my gregariousness for close friends and family. It’s a choice that I’m making for the good of my business. And business is my priority and responsibility right now, not just having fun all of the time.
Try it on yourself. Imagine yourself with your mate’s work associates. How do you want to be seen? What about with the President of the US? How would you act with him or someone else you greatly respect? Now, imagine yourself with your best friends and your potential best clients? How is it that you want to appear and act then?
Monitoring our own behavior sometimes is a difficult thing to do. As humans we want to tend to make ourselves right all of the time and any critical look at our actions are somewhat hard to take. However, this is the best way to grow, and to improve relationships, our image and our business, by looking at ourselves.
The old saying goes, if you want to grow your business, grow yourself. What have you done to grow yourself lately?
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Workshop Savvy
I’m giving a creativity workshop tomorrow for a group of people at a hospital. This is the first time that I’ve given a workshop to this group and I’ve tried to come up with several things that might make it fun. That was my only requirement: FUN.
The workshop is on creativity so I will be giving them strategies that they can use at home and in the workplace. We’ll also do several exercises that will open them up to being more creative. These will be fun of course.
But knowing what I know about it’s really more about how the participants FEEL about me, then I know that I’m going to do some exercises that will be geared towards improving their sense of self while in that room. I want them to feel GOOD about being different, unique and even a bit wacky if that’s what they do. I’ll laugh with them and not at them, and I’ll do exercises where the participants are endorsed for bringing up their special strengths.
I’m excited to give a creativity workshop to a bunch of left brained people. I know it’ll be a stretch to them but my goal is to get them to loosen up and then show them their own brilliance!
I’m hoping that’ll be the key tomorrow and I’ll let you know!
The workshop is on creativity so I will be giving them strategies that they can use at home and in the workplace. We’ll also do several exercises that will open them up to being more creative. These will be fun of course.
But knowing what I know about it’s really more about how the participants FEEL about me, then I know that I’m going to do some exercises that will be geared towards improving their sense of self while in that room. I want them to feel GOOD about being different, unique and even a bit wacky if that’s what they do. I’ll laugh with them and not at them, and I’ll do exercises where the participants are endorsed for bringing up their special strengths.
I’m excited to give a creativity workshop to a bunch of left brained people. I know it’ll be a stretch to them but my goal is to get them to loosen up and then show them their own brilliance!
I’m hoping that’ll be the key tomorrow and I’ll let you know!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Helping Your Child Deal with Bullies
I’ve been contacted on several occasions by moms of girls who have been bullied. Most of the times, these daughters are beautiful girls who are sweet and don’t stand up to the other kids when they get teased or criticized. There are things that you can do to help your child without overstepping your boundaries. I know because I was one of those good girls who got teased and bullied in high school by some girls. They saw my “good girl” mentality as weakness and they didn’t hesitate to pounce on it. I did suffer some awful days as any young girl does, but I came out of it just fine. I also learned that there are ways to move beyond this stage of life.
Junior high and high school are the times when children are stretching their independence and learning who they are in the world. They’re falling in and out of love and dealing with the emotional turmoil of maturing physically and nature isn’t always so kind during that phase of life. I remember sweating so profusely often times that my mom had to bring me new clothes to school and that none of the female deodorants worked for me. I was an athlete and didn’t just “glisten” from the sweat. I sweat like a pig when I went out to PE and it was quite embarrassing! That’s awfully hard to try to look cute after you’ve been drenched with sweat. Luckily for the girls of today, athletes are more common and accepted. They’re also more open about things like breaking out, and getting their monthly. Still, there is a tremendous pressure these days to be thin and to look good.
I went through a phase where my best friend who I had grown up with all of a sudden developed other friends and completely turned on me with a vengeance. She started poking fun at me and telling the boy on the bus that I had a crush on him. I was completely mortified! Every day she and her friends would make fun of what I was wearing, my hair or just call me names. Just the shock of her turning on me was enough to hurt me deeply, but the fact that she pulled other girls in on it made it worse. I remember going home and laying on my bed crying because I had to face the girls every morning and every afternoon on the bus.
Since she had been my closest friend up until that point, my mom took it upon herself to pray for me that I’d get a new best friend. I was in the middle of 8th grade then and somehow, I ended up in class with an old friend of mine from 2nd grade. Alison and I started hanging around in school and then I joined in with her friends to go to the football games and shopping after school. Before I knew it, I had a whole new set of friends and the bullying pretty much stopped. I now had a pack of friends at school that were strong and so now I wasn’t alone and weak.
Later in high school when the majority of my friends graduated from the swim team, I again became the target of a pack of girls who saw me as a weakling. I was one of the “good girls” again who didn’t drink, smoke or sleep around. The girls who picked on me were on the swim team and got really good at thinking of mean things to say to me. I took it silently and put up with it for a while. My come backs were “shut up” or “grow up” but they’d all start giggling and walk on together. I was left with the other nice girls who didn’t’ have the guts to stand up to the girl bullies.
The sad thing was that I ended up losing my passion for swimming and ended up quitting the swim team that year. But my mom pulled out all of the stops again and prayed that I’d meet some new friends again. She then strongly suggested, or forced me to go on a Catholic retreat through the church. When I got there, the only person I knew was one of the most popular football players at our school. Things were looking up for me then! That weekend changed my life. I met a whole bunch of kids from the Catholic private school in town who knew my fun cousins and accepted me into their group. For the next year and a half, I had my new friends from the private school merge with some friends from our school and we all started dating each other and hanging out. It made my high school experience absolutely incredible and I’m proud to say that one of the couples is now married with 3 kids and I’m still in touch with several of those kids who are now successful adults.
I’ve since seen and forgiven my former tormentors and we’ve never spoken of it. I prefer to live in the present and not the past. But because I was bullied, I understand the hurt and the pain of a close friend turning into the enemy. The key for the parent is to switch gears, pray for guidance and for help with the teen, and then find other activities to delve into. Forcing the kid may be the only option because of the fear of the unknown but not doing anything is the alternative and that’s worse!
Parents can be the strength during a time of torment for kids. It’s a time to teach that having faith in God can turn around all things and that He can help us find the right friends. It’s a time to learn that life isn’t easy all of the time and sometimes we have to do something different in order to break us out of our shell. Walking through these tough times together can ease the pain and bring new growth. And certainly when you allow God to chose the friends, expect good days ahead!
Junior high and high school are the times when children are stretching their independence and learning who they are in the world. They’re falling in and out of love and dealing with the emotional turmoil of maturing physically and nature isn’t always so kind during that phase of life. I remember sweating so profusely often times that my mom had to bring me new clothes to school and that none of the female deodorants worked for me. I was an athlete and didn’t just “glisten” from the sweat. I sweat like a pig when I went out to PE and it was quite embarrassing! That’s awfully hard to try to look cute after you’ve been drenched with sweat. Luckily for the girls of today, athletes are more common and accepted. They’re also more open about things like breaking out, and getting their monthly. Still, there is a tremendous pressure these days to be thin and to look good.
I went through a phase where my best friend who I had grown up with all of a sudden developed other friends and completely turned on me with a vengeance. She started poking fun at me and telling the boy on the bus that I had a crush on him. I was completely mortified! Every day she and her friends would make fun of what I was wearing, my hair or just call me names. Just the shock of her turning on me was enough to hurt me deeply, but the fact that she pulled other girls in on it made it worse. I remember going home and laying on my bed crying because I had to face the girls every morning and every afternoon on the bus.
Since she had been my closest friend up until that point, my mom took it upon herself to pray for me that I’d get a new best friend. I was in the middle of 8th grade then and somehow, I ended up in class with an old friend of mine from 2nd grade. Alison and I started hanging around in school and then I joined in with her friends to go to the football games and shopping after school. Before I knew it, I had a whole new set of friends and the bullying pretty much stopped. I now had a pack of friends at school that were strong and so now I wasn’t alone and weak.
Later in high school when the majority of my friends graduated from the swim team, I again became the target of a pack of girls who saw me as a weakling. I was one of the “good girls” again who didn’t drink, smoke or sleep around. The girls who picked on me were on the swim team and got really good at thinking of mean things to say to me. I took it silently and put up with it for a while. My come backs were “shut up” or “grow up” but they’d all start giggling and walk on together. I was left with the other nice girls who didn’t’ have the guts to stand up to the girl bullies.
The sad thing was that I ended up losing my passion for swimming and ended up quitting the swim team that year. But my mom pulled out all of the stops again and prayed that I’d meet some new friends again. She then strongly suggested, or forced me to go on a Catholic retreat through the church. When I got there, the only person I knew was one of the most popular football players at our school. Things were looking up for me then! That weekend changed my life. I met a whole bunch of kids from the Catholic private school in town who knew my fun cousins and accepted me into their group. For the next year and a half, I had my new friends from the private school merge with some friends from our school and we all started dating each other and hanging out. It made my high school experience absolutely incredible and I’m proud to say that one of the couples is now married with 3 kids and I’m still in touch with several of those kids who are now successful adults.
I’ve since seen and forgiven my former tormentors and we’ve never spoken of it. I prefer to live in the present and not the past. But because I was bullied, I understand the hurt and the pain of a close friend turning into the enemy. The key for the parent is to switch gears, pray for guidance and for help with the teen, and then find other activities to delve into. Forcing the kid may be the only option because of the fear of the unknown but not doing anything is the alternative and that’s worse!
Parents can be the strength during a time of torment for kids. It’s a time to teach that having faith in God can turn around all things and that He can help us find the right friends. It’s a time to learn that life isn’t easy all of the time and sometimes we have to do something different in order to break us out of our shell. Walking through these tough times together can ease the pain and bring new growth. And certainly when you allow God to chose the friends, expect good days ahead!
Friday, April 21, 2006
The Wonderful People of the US
I just had the pleasure of visiting 10 cities across the United States within the past 2 weeks. (Pheonix, Sacramento, Denver, Dallas, Baltimore, St. Louis, Atlanta, Chicago, DC, and Cleveland) I was on one of my whirlwind TV tours and showing baby shower gifts to TV news audiences across the country. I’ve been coaching new moms and moms to be for quite a while so showing gifts that they’d love was my goal.
Every city I went to had the most amazing people. In most cities, I was taken by cab from the airport to the hotel. Most of the cabbies in the US are foreign born and most speak English relatively well. Many of them were highly educated in their country and are here to get reeducated and are here to provide a better life for their children. They are hard working Americans and serving the people they meet as best as they can.
In the airports, I met loads of people who are working hard and experiencing life with friends and family. Along the way I met a Presidential secret service man, the band the Black Eyed Peas, Cal Ripkin the baseball player, Edwin McCain the musician, a woman from the National Institute of Health in DC, a Councilman from Miami Beach, a Marketing manager from Yahoo, several professional women who were considering transitions in their careers, Fr. George McKenna, the Priest from the Midway airport in Chicago, a gentleman in St. Louis waiting for a liver transplant, a couple who are about to open a bed in breakfast in NY state, and loads of TV personalities throughout the nation.
Whether I was in hotels, airports, or TV stations, I found people warm, inviting and helpful. I was curious about them and they shared their stories. For the people who didn’t seem to want to talk, I was bold and enthusiastic about their city and told them I was happy they were able to help me. In every case, I was able to warm them up and they opened up to share.
I’ve found that people in airports are open to talk. It’s a great place to collect information if you’re writing a book like I am. People are all stuck there together, some a little bit nervous so talking with a stranger is always a good distraction. People just seem to spill their guts and share whatever is on their minds. I heard about tough times such as the man waiting for a liver in St. Louis with his daughter; and the insurance executive who was bored stiff with her career but supporting 5 kids as a single mom. I heard about families who were separated such as the cab driver whose wife and kids are back in Africa as he waits for their papers to clear so he can reunite their families. I talked to a young woman who was an illegal alien, and she seemed as American as you or me and was dating a Marine. I spoke with an African American woman who is getting her second doctorate degree and is probably one of the most educated people in America who shared her excitement about her new younger boyfriend. I swapped stories with the hospitality coordinator at a hotel who had to bring me a receipt and she ended up talking with me in my hotel room for an hour. She told me all about how she wants to start a catering business for kid’s parties. I was honored to meet and hear about a man who lost the use of his legs four years ago in an accident that later helped his wife become a judge and he ran against an incumbent for a city council seat and won. Oh, they also have 4 kids! What a story!
Truly, I found that if a person is open and willing to meet the person standing next to them in line, or to speak to the person who is serving them or who is working with them, I found in every case, people willing to be friendly, helpful and open. People are hungry to connect with those around them and all it takes is ONE person to go out on a limb and say Hello and ask the words, “how are you?” By looking in their eyes, and giving them an approving smile, you’re letting them know that you’re a caring person and that you’re safe. When you look into another person’s eyes, you understand that we’re all the same in many ways, no matter their age, their race or their sex. It broadens our horizons to meet others to hear about their triumphs and their tragedies. Each person I met changed me a little for the better, because I learned something new.
Traveling can be a wonderful time to connect with others. And as we all travel through the road of life, lighten up, and talk with your neighbors. You just might find a new friend, a new opportunity or a new you!
Every city I went to had the most amazing people. In most cities, I was taken by cab from the airport to the hotel. Most of the cabbies in the US are foreign born and most speak English relatively well. Many of them were highly educated in their country and are here to get reeducated and are here to provide a better life for their children. They are hard working Americans and serving the people they meet as best as they can.
In the airports, I met loads of people who are working hard and experiencing life with friends and family. Along the way I met a Presidential secret service man, the band the Black Eyed Peas, Cal Ripkin the baseball player, Edwin McCain the musician, a woman from the National Institute of Health in DC, a Councilman from Miami Beach, a Marketing manager from Yahoo, several professional women who were considering transitions in their careers, Fr. George McKenna, the Priest from the Midway airport in Chicago, a gentleman in St. Louis waiting for a liver transplant, a couple who are about to open a bed in breakfast in NY state, and loads of TV personalities throughout the nation.
Whether I was in hotels, airports, or TV stations, I found people warm, inviting and helpful. I was curious about them and they shared their stories. For the people who didn’t seem to want to talk, I was bold and enthusiastic about their city and told them I was happy they were able to help me. In every case, I was able to warm them up and they opened up to share.
I’ve found that people in airports are open to talk. It’s a great place to collect information if you’re writing a book like I am. People are all stuck there together, some a little bit nervous so talking with a stranger is always a good distraction. People just seem to spill their guts and share whatever is on their minds. I heard about tough times such as the man waiting for a liver in St. Louis with his daughter; and the insurance executive who was bored stiff with her career but supporting 5 kids as a single mom. I heard about families who were separated such as the cab driver whose wife and kids are back in Africa as he waits for their papers to clear so he can reunite their families. I talked to a young woman who was an illegal alien, and she seemed as American as you or me and was dating a Marine. I spoke with an African American woman who is getting her second doctorate degree and is probably one of the most educated people in America who shared her excitement about her new younger boyfriend. I swapped stories with the hospitality coordinator at a hotel who had to bring me a receipt and she ended up talking with me in my hotel room for an hour. She told me all about how she wants to start a catering business for kid’s parties. I was honored to meet and hear about a man who lost the use of his legs four years ago in an accident that later helped his wife become a judge and he ran against an incumbent for a city council seat and won. Oh, they also have 4 kids! What a story!
Truly, I found that if a person is open and willing to meet the person standing next to them in line, or to speak to the person who is serving them or who is working with them, I found in every case, people willing to be friendly, helpful and open. People are hungry to connect with those around them and all it takes is ONE person to go out on a limb and say Hello and ask the words, “how are you?” By looking in their eyes, and giving them an approving smile, you’re letting them know that you’re a caring person and that you’re safe. When you look into another person’s eyes, you understand that we’re all the same in many ways, no matter their age, their race or their sex. It broadens our horizons to meet others to hear about their triumphs and their tragedies. Each person I met changed me a little for the better, because I learned something new.
Traveling can be a wonderful time to connect with others. And as we all travel through the road of life, lighten up, and talk with your neighbors. You just might find a new friend, a new opportunity or a new you!
Friday, March 24, 2006
Jealous of Strangers?
The other night I went out with a few female friends to a restaurant for dinner. The bar was lively with music and energy so we opted to stay there. The four of us huddled in a corner and talked the night away, barely coming up for air. Three of the women were single and would be interested in meeting men but we were having so much fun together that no one noticed.
At one point I started speaking with one of the ladies to my right. She and her “boyfriend” were regulars at the restaurant. The woman was drop dead gorgeous. By appearance, she was a work out feign and because of her fit body, could fit into cute jeans with no problem. She looked as if she had just come back from the islands because she sported a gorgeous tan. I may add that she probably had some “enhancements” if you know what I mean.
One of the ladies in our group looked at the lady and curled up her nose in jealousy. She acted like “who does she think she is, looking so cute”. I turned to my gorgeous friend and said to her, “the other women in the bar are thinking and saying the SAME thing to you RIGHT NOW.” My friend dismissed it as if it weren’t true and went on being jealous of the other woman who was no more beautiful than she was.
About 5 minutes later I started talking with the other woman and she told me her tragic story of losing her husband a few years back. She told me that she had 4 kids who were her life and life will never be the same. Then I shared with her that two of the ladies in our group were also widows and with that she ran over to gave my friends hugs. When she got to my “jealous” friend and told her the tragedy that they both shared, there was a genuine moment of understanding. Nothing got in the way such as “she’s prettier than me or has better arms than me”. It was a truthful moment of “I’ve had so much pain in my life that no one can understand but you.” They were strangers one moment picking on each other, and intimate friends the next.
The stranger next to you can be the person who GETS you more than anyone else in the world. That person sitting next to you on a bus or in traffic is more like you than you know. They’ve had their ups and their downs. They worry about the same things. They’ve laughed and they’ve cried. They’ve loved and they’ve hurt. They’re human, and INSIDE…they’re just like YOU.
Hi Mary,
I just read your Blog and it was soooo relevant to me tonight!!! I am wondering how many people your blog touches that don't articulate that to you or more to the point how many people could use your blog and don't have access to it or just don't know it exists! Mary, it is truly that good!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so empowered by what I read in your last two entries!
It is too much for me to write about what happened specifically tonight that your blog addressed. But how incredible that your blog was that relevant to me and I am one out of millions!!!!!!!!!
At one point I started speaking with one of the ladies to my right. She and her “boyfriend” were regulars at the restaurant. The woman was drop dead gorgeous. By appearance, she was a work out feign and because of her fit body, could fit into cute jeans with no problem. She looked as if she had just come back from the islands because she sported a gorgeous tan. I may add that she probably had some “enhancements” if you know what I mean.
One of the ladies in our group looked at the lady and curled up her nose in jealousy. She acted like “who does she think she is, looking so cute”. I turned to my gorgeous friend and said to her, “the other women in the bar are thinking and saying the SAME thing to you RIGHT NOW.” My friend dismissed it as if it weren’t true and went on being jealous of the other woman who was no more beautiful than she was.
About 5 minutes later I started talking with the other woman and she told me her tragic story of losing her husband a few years back. She told me that she had 4 kids who were her life and life will never be the same. Then I shared with her that two of the ladies in our group were also widows and with that she ran over to gave my friends hugs. When she got to my “jealous” friend and told her the tragedy that they both shared, there was a genuine moment of understanding. Nothing got in the way such as “she’s prettier than me or has better arms than me”. It was a truthful moment of “I’ve had so much pain in my life that no one can understand but you.” They were strangers one moment picking on each other, and intimate friends the next.
The stranger next to you can be the person who GETS you more than anyone else in the world. That person sitting next to you on a bus or in traffic is more like you than you know. They’ve had their ups and their downs. They worry about the same things. They’ve laughed and they’ve cried. They’ve loved and they’ve hurt. They’re human, and INSIDE…they’re just like YOU.
Hi Mary,
I just read your Blog and it was soooo relevant to me tonight!!! I am wondering how many people your blog touches that don't articulate that to you or more to the point how many people could use your blog and don't have access to it or just don't know it exists! Mary, it is truly that good!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so empowered by what I read in your last two entries!
It is too much for me to write about what happened specifically tonight that your blog addressed. But how incredible that your blog was that relevant to me and I am one out of millions!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Does Fear Keep you from Talking?
This past week I spoke with two separate individuals who are afraid to talk with strangers. I wondered if their mom’s told them not to ever speak with people who they didn’t know. But these weren’t kids at all! They were completely competent, successful adults. One was a 40 something supper savvy single mom and the other is a great looking 20 something single young guy. They look completely different from one another yet they share a fear of socializing that plagues millions and millions of people.
In the communication classes that I teach, I often ask for a show of hands of people who don’t enjoy small talk. Nearly everyone raises their hands. It’s a great opportunity for the people in the class to see just how many other people share this feeling. Then they explain that they often feel lonely in groups because they stand there and just don’t quite know what to say. When I ask people how many people feel like that, nearly everyone says that they do too.
Allowing the people to understand that they are not alone in this feeling is a very comforting feeling for many of the people. Many of them haven’t discussed this openly with others so it’s quite freeing for them in the classes.
This past week, these two new clients shared their stories. The young guy rides the subway every day and sees a beautiful woman that he’d like to meet. His fear is that the other riders would hear him trying to pick her up and he’d make a fool of himself. I sent him back out into the world this week to start conversations with other people on the subway who were less threatening to him. I encouraged him to speak to whoever is standing next to him, whether it’s an older woman, a child or a guy his own age. I explained to him that practicing in low stress situations is one way to build his communication and small talk muscle. The more he practices it the easier it will get.
The 40ish woman I coached is a beautiful woman on the outside. She dresses snazzy and up to date. She’s got a good job and is a pleasant and fun conversationalist. Yet, she’s got intense fear around strangers. She is so petite that she sometimes feels slighted in conversations. I asked if she felt that was a “deficit” and she said absolutely YES.
Both of these people would appear to have it all on the outside, but in their heads, they’re running around like scared children, barely keeping it together.
I encouraged them both to start looking for small opportunities to talk with the people who come across their paths. They can talk about the weather or anything practical and the best thing to do is to ask questions and then be interested in the answers. If they act genuinely interested in other people, people will start to enjoy their company more. The more they are interested in OTHERS, then the less they’ll be in their own head worrying about themselves. I challenged my petite client to joke with others about talking over her head and because she is small, would they please speak up? Using humor can definitely disarm others and encourage them to engage with those who feel they have a deficit.
Learning to communicate well is a skill that can be used for an entire lifetime. Words and conversation can fill a persons’ heart, time and bring out the best in others. Learning to make others the focal point is the best thing we can do to encourage others to chat. Conversation isn’t something to fear and getting good at it is something worth pursuing. It may be one of the only things we are able to do our whole life. Why not “do” it well?
In the communication classes that I teach, I often ask for a show of hands of people who don’t enjoy small talk. Nearly everyone raises their hands. It’s a great opportunity for the people in the class to see just how many other people share this feeling. Then they explain that they often feel lonely in groups because they stand there and just don’t quite know what to say. When I ask people how many people feel like that, nearly everyone says that they do too.
Allowing the people to understand that they are not alone in this feeling is a very comforting feeling for many of the people. Many of them haven’t discussed this openly with others so it’s quite freeing for them in the classes.
This past week, these two new clients shared their stories. The young guy rides the subway every day and sees a beautiful woman that he’d like to meet. His fear is that the other riders would hear him trying to pick her up and he’d make a fool of himself. I sent him back out into the world this week to start conversations with other people on the subway who were less threatening to him. I encouraged him to speak to whoever is standing next to him, whether it’s an older woman, a child or a guy his own age. I explained to him that practicing in low stress situations is one way to build his communication and small talk muscle. The more he practices it the easier it will get.
The 40ish woman I coached is a beautiful woman on the outside. She dresses snazzy and up to date. She’s got a good job and is a pleasant and fun conversationalist. Yet, she’s got intense fear around strangers. She is so petite that she sometimes feels slighted in conversations. I asked if she felt that was a “deficit” and she said absolutely YES.
Both of these people would appear to have it all on the outside, but in their heads, they’re running around like scared children, barely keeping it together.
I encouraged them both to start looking for small opportunities to talk with the people who come across their paths. They can talk about the weather or anything practical and the best thing to do is to ask questions and then be interested in the answers. If they act genuinely interested in other people, people will start to enjoy their company more. The more they are interested in OTHERS, then the less they’ll be in their own head worrying about themselves. I challenged my petite client to joke with others about talking over her head and because she is small, would they please speak up? Using humor can definitely disarm others and encourage them to engage with those who feel they have a deficit.
Learning to communicate well is a skill that can be used for an entire lifetime. Words and conversation can fill a persons’ heart, time and bring out the best in others. Learning to make others the focal point is the best thing we can do to encourage others to chat. Conversation isn’t something to fear and getting good at it is something worth pursuing. It may be one of the only things we are able to do our whole life. Why not “do” it well?
Monday, March 13, 2006
Which Idol’s Have the X Factor?
My house is just like the millions of households across America who are glued to the set every night that American Idol is on. Since I coach people on their “showmanship” or “presence” on a regular basis, I’m often in agreement with Simon about how the singer appears. I seem to agree most with Simon and then Paula. She’s a generous spirit and such a lovely person who genuinely wants the contestants to succeed. Randy is probably the best in terms of the vocals and that’s not my specialty.
My specialty is getting people to have the “X” Factor.
I know it when I see it; and I know how to let the others get it.
This past week a few contestants were let go. In my opinion this is the reason:
Ayla is gorgeous and perfect. She comes from a perfect home. She gets good grades, is a star at everything she does. Both of her parents are well known in their high level professions and well thought of in their careers. The problem? Ayla was TOO perfect and people didn’t pull for her. People don’t WANT the perfect people to win. They want the ones with the flaws.
What she could have done and can do going forward: Since she is naturally gorgeous and is completely breathtaking even in her sweatiest place, Ayla needed to be seen with her helping someone less fortunate and show that her heart wasn’t just to strive to be better, but that there was a certain child who had challenges that she sang for. (Remember Clay Aiken?)
Gedeon was the guy that Simon told that he didn’t like his smile. The interesting thing was that it was doubtful that anyone had said that to Gedeon before; they had probably always complimented it since it’s so big… so you in your FACE. But, there is a certain truth to what Simon said though and I think subconsciously it was annoying to others. No one can be happy all the time and it comes off as insincere. His voice was the most soulful beautiful voice, yet Gedeon needed to tone down the attitude, the smile and the blessing everyone after they spoke with him. He had the goods, he just oversold it. Had he been understated, lost the hair and maintained a since of humble, he’d still be in the competition.
Kinnik Sky should have a good career as an actor/ singer anyway. She proved herself to be a class act and probably didn’t need to try to be country when she’s really a lovely woman who has a classy side. Her song choices needed to show WHO she is, not who she wants to be. Kinnik: Stick to classic, classy songs, jazz, something like that. After you’ve had a few hits, expand to fit in the others but you LOOK like a Jazz artist and that is what is going to sell YOU.
Will- The darling, gentleman who sang “How Sweet it is” sang it 10x better the second night when he really was loose and had fun with it. I think that the secret to him not getting to the next stage was his age or lack of showmanship. He just didn’t have the confidence to do anything unique or different. If I would have been coaching him, I probably would have selected a more modern song and gone for that 11-15 year old vote and gotten him to show a bit more edge which would have gotten the 20 something women interested. As it was he just came across as sweet. Not memorable.
By Edge, I mean what Kelly Pickler did! As she sang she shimmied to the floor and back up again without as much as a struggle shown anywhere on her lovely face. It was sweet and sexy and unique and risky. It appears that someone worked with Kelly to perfect those moves because she did it without even looking nervous until afterwards when Simon embarrassingly called her a “minx”. After he said it, Simon picked up a huge cup and drank from it, thus covering his face. I have the feeling he was a tad embarrassed that he blubbered out those words to the world. He was attracted to what she did and his blood was boiling. Paula and Randy were just as shocked and in awe over what Kelly did. She won a huge fan base that night, especially by being so enthusiastic that anyone would find her appealing. Her attitude is fresh and genuine. She’ll go far in this competition.
I just have to say a few words about Brenna. Brenna has probably had to struggle since childhood to get anyone’s attention. Unfortunately she has developed into a person who craves it and tries to pull the attention to her, not naturally attract it. She needs to go to her home town and start helping other people IMMEDIATELY and remake her attitude. She’ll never sell 1 album with her current attitude. She needs to look at Tonia Harding as her guide and be willing to BECOME classy… not stay in the same place. She isn’t appealing whatsoever but she can recover if she puts herself in some humbling situations to help those less fortunate. She’ll start to be grateful and not arrogant.
Ace! Let me just say that the ONLY thing that is going against this guy is that he moved to Hollywood to seek fame and fortune. That might go against him in the last show or two when other contestants are genuinely untapped talent. He already KNOWS he has talent. He’s going for the tops. But, he DOES have the goods. He has the “look” that will send women into outer space. He’s 1000x more genuine than Constintine from last year who tried to send women into space. All he did for women who are a bit older is make them roll their eyes. Anyone who TRIES to be sexy comes off as ridiculous.
Some tips for the Top 12:
Paris – stop saying you have “favor”. That’s going to start sounding arrogant and no one knows what you’re talking about (except those people who listen to preachers talk about it). Go and have fun in your songs but please start being a bit more gracious and surprised when they compliment you.
Melissa- you’re bordering on being too raw. You’re going to have to show a different side: Smart, athletic, or classy. You’re just looking a bit too sexy and that’s going to be a turn off. Your voice is fantastic, and if you can command the stage by working on using the WHOLE stage and showing vulnerability on stage, then you’re going to show that new side and gain new fans.
Taylor – You’re awesome! Keep it up!
Katherine – Let them doll you up big time. It’s going to be fun and win you votes.
BUCKY – Get some ATTITUDE man. I’d LOVE to work with Bucky! He’s got an awesome voice but doesn’t believe it or know it. He needs to jam on it and take no prisoners. He has room to grow in this competition! Simon predicts he’s going to be gone next week I bet. But if Bucky could work on his showmanship, he’d beat Kevin and keep going. He has raw talent, good looks and can sing a tune!
Mandissa, Chris and Elliot – You’re all stars!
Lisa- You’re borderline too perfect. You better start screaming and playing it up a bit that you’re not perfect all the time. If you’re TOO poised, it’s a turn off. Get a bit rowdy on your play time and let the cameras see that. It wouldn’t hurt to show that during a song either. People need to know you can let your hair down and not be afraid to get dirty.
Kevin – Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re getting noticed as the cute boy and the “nerd” who has a voice. You’re perfect. You’re just too young to try to be act older, so you’re perfect and you’re going to get noticed. You’re not going to win, but your life has now changed. Congratulations!
So there you have it. Some have the X Factor, and some don’t. But with a few tweaks here and there, they could all have it and become memorable long after this competition is over.
Good luck to the top 12!
My specialty is getting people to have the “X” Factor.
I know it when I see it; and I know how to let the others get it.
This past week a few contestants were let go. In my opinion this is the reason:
Ayla is gorgeous and perfect. She comes from a perfect home. She gets good grades, is a star at everything she does. Both of her parents are well known in their high level professions and well thought of in their careers. The problem? Ayla was TOO perfect and people didn’t pull for her. People don’t WANT the perfect people to win. They want the ones with the flaws.
What she could have done and can do going forward: Since she is naturally gorgeous and is completely breathtaking even in her sweatiest place, Ayla needed to be seen with her helping someone less fortunate and show that her heart wasn’t just to strive to be better, but that there was a certain child who had challenges that she sang for. (Remember Clay Aiken?)
Gedeon was the guy that Simon told that he didn’t like his smile. The interesting thing was that it was doubtful that anyone had said that to Gedeon before; they had probably always complimented it since it’s so big… so you in your FACE. But, there is a certain truth to what Simon said though and I think subconsciously it was annoying to others. No one can be happy all the time and it comes off as insincere. His voice was the most soulful beautiful voice, yet Gedeon needed to tone down the attitude, the smile and the blessing everyone after they spoke with him. He had the goods, he just oversold it. Had he been understated, lost the hair and maintained a since of humble, he’d still be in the competition.
Kinnik Sky should have a good career as an actor/ singer anyway. She proved herself to be a class act and probably didn’t need to try to be country when she’s really a lovely woman who has a classy side. Her song choices needed to show WHO she is, not who she wants to be. Kinnik: Stick to classic, classy songs, jazz, something like that. After you’ve had a few hits, expand to fit in the others but you LOOK like a Jazz artist and that is what is going to sell YOU.
Will- The darling, gentleman who sang “How Sweet it is” sang it 10x better the second night when he really was loose and had fun with it. I think that the secret to him not getting to the next stage was his age or lack of showmanship. He just didn’t have the confidence to do anything unique or different. If I would have been coaching him, I probably would have selected a more modern song and gone for that 11-15 year old vote and gotten him to show a bit more edge which would have gotten the 20 something women interested. As it was he just came across as sweet. Not memorable.
By Edge, I mean what Kelly Pickler did! As she sang she shimmied to the floor and back up again without as much as a struggle shown anywhere on her lovely face. It was sweet and sexy and unique and risky. It appears that someone worked with Kelly to perfect those moves because she did it without even looking nervous until afterwards when Simon embarrassingly called her a “minx”. After he said it, Simon picked up a huge cup and drank from it, thus covering his face. I have the feeling he was a tad embarrassed that he blubbered out those words to the world. He was attracted to what she did and his blood was boiling. Paula and Randy were just as shocked and in awe over what Kelly did. She won a huge fan base that night, especially by being so enthusiastic that anyone would find her appealing. Her attitude is fresh and genuine. She’ll go far in this competition.
I just have to say a few words about Brenna. Brenna has probably had to struggle since childhood to get anyone’s attention. Unfortunately she has developed into a person who craves it and tries to pull the attention to her, not naturally attract it. She needs to go to her home town and start helping other people IMMEDIATELY and remake her attitude. She’ll never sell 1 album with her current attitude. She needs to look at Tonia Harding as her guide and be willing to BECOME classy… not stay in the same place. She isn’t appealing whatsoever but she can recover if she puts herself in some humbling situations to help those less fortunate. She’ll start to be grateful and not arrogant.
Ace! Let me just say that the ONLY thing that is going against this guy is that he moved to Hollywood to seek fame and fortune. That might go against him in the last show or two when other contestants are genuinely untapped talent. He already KNOWS he has talent. He’s going for the tops. But, he DOES have the goods. He has the “look” that will send women into outer space. He’s 1000x more genuine than Constintine from last year who tried to send women into space. All he did for women who are a bit older is make them roll their eyes. Anyone who TRIES to be sexy comes off as ridiculous.
Some tips for the Top 12:
Paris – stop saying you have “favor”. That’s going to start sounding arrogant and no one knows what you’re talking about (except those people who listen to preachers talk about it). Go and have fun in your songs but please start being a bit more gracious and surprised when they compliment you.
Melissa- you’re bordering on being too raw. You’re going to have to show a different side: Smart, athletic, or classy. You’re just looking a bit too sexy and that’s going to be a turn off. Your voice is fantastic, and if you can command the stage by working on using the WHOLE stage and showing vulnerability on stage, then you’re going to show that new side and gain new fans.
Taylor – You’re awesome! Keep it up!
Katherine – Let them doll you up big time. It’s going to be fun and win you votes.
BUCKY – Get some ATTITUDE man. I’d LOVE to work with Bucky! He’s got an awesome voice but doesn’t believe it or know it. He needs to jam on it and take no prisoners. He has room to grow in this competition! Simon predicts he’s going to be gone next week I bet. But if Bucky could work on his showmanship, he’d beat Kevin and keep going. He has raw talent, good looks and can sing a tune!
Mandissa, Chris and Elliot – You’re all stars!
Lisa- You’re borderline too perfect. You better start screaming and playing it up a bit that you’re not perfect all the time. If you’re TOO poised, it’s a turn off. Get a bit rowdy on your play time and let the cameras see that. It wouldn’t hurt to show that during a song either. People need to know you can let your hair down and not be afraid to get dirty.
Kevin – Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re getting noticed as the cute boy and the “nerd” who has a voice. You’re perfect. You’re just too young to try to be act older, so you’re perfect and you’re going to get noticed. You’re not going to win, but your life has now changed. Congratulations!
So there you have it. Some have the X Factor, and some don’t. But with a few tweaks here and there, they could all have it and become memorable long after this competition is over.
Good luck to the top 12!
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Minimize the Daily Struggles by Focusing on the Bigger Picture
Today was a great day. Today I saw a young woman take a giant step in her life and move toward her purpose in life. It brought tears to her eyes and she GOT it. She clearly grasps her purpose for her life. It was the huge “Ahh-HA” that she needed to get unstuck in her life and now it’s going to take action on her part to move towards that purpose.
This beautiful young woman is 28, is single, has two boys 8 & 10 and works full time. Her ex isn’t in her life and one of her boys has developmental delays. Since she had babies so young she never finished school but has worked ever since she had the kids. She’s smart, kind and a devoted mom. She’s respected at work and has a great support network of friends.
Lindsay is the type of women that men really like. She’s gorgeous, intelligent, warm and witty and very kind hearted. But Lindsay confided to me today that she often breaks off relationships when the men disappoint her in some way. She’s aware that her own insecurities and jealousies have made her push great guys away from her and she’s conscious that she might be close to doing that to her current boyfriend. He’s loving and devoted and she admitted that she is falling in love with him.
Our coaching session started out with her wanting to know how to handle her boyfriend and what to do about their future. I explained to her that if it’s been a pattern in her life then it’s more important to look at her and to build her own foundation than to focus on the externals with relationships that may or may not work. I explained to her that if she continues on the same path without changing anything, then she’ll get the same results.
I cut right to the core. I asked her “what about YOU?” What is it that YOU want? What is it that YOU have the desire to do? I explained to her that as she built her relationship with God, with herself, built her intelligence, got credentials, (physical, spiritual, and mental and emotional), then her standards would automatically rise. I explained to her that the more she grew herself, more appealing she’d become to herself that she would tolerate less bad behavior from others.
When she answered that she wanted to become a child psychologist and a behavioral specialist, her eyes welled up with tears. She said that ever since she was a child, she loved knowing kids that had challenges and intuitively understood the psychology and behavior of kids. In her job, she soaks up any information she can get her hands on that have to do with the kids she serves. She had told me that before but was continuing worrying about the day to day activities, bills and circumstances in her life which got in the way. I stated that lets not look at the obstacles yet, but let’s look at the goal and work backwards.
Her goal is to get a PHD in Psychology.
Her first step, then, is to finish her undergraduate work.
She’ll have to call the admissions directors to nearby schools and explain her situation.
She may need to get a referral to get into the school.
She’s going to need financial assistance and might need to cut back on her hours at work.
She’ll then pursue a Masters and a Doctorate.
In 10 years time or less, she’ll have a Doctorate degree and two kids who have learned more from a mommy that was dedicated to bettering herself than worrying about which man to date.
Lindsay left our session so excited. She did want to discuss the “relationship” issue again about should she or shouldn’t she tolerate some of the things she is tolerating and at that point, and because I know her so well, I quirkily responded, “blah, blah, blah, those are the types of distractions that are going to get in your way to getting what you want in life.” I encouraged her to focus again on HER, on what SHE needed to get in her life so she could be proud of the hard work she put in to accomplish a goal.
She ended with a huge smile on her face. She promised to get on the phone tomorrow to the admissions counselors and to get an appointment. She shared with me that she knew that it was her “purpose” to help others with their kids’ problems and challenges. We also discussed that she was going to “spend the time anyway, so you might as well spend it doing something useful instead of wasting it.”
Coaching Lindsay this morning was another reminder to me that there are MILLIONS of distractions in life and we have the ability to choose which ones to give time and energy to on a daily basis. We all have relationships that suck our energy, bills to pay, work to do, dishes to do, trips to take, friends to see and illnesses that slow us down, but when we identify our purpose, our mission and our vision for our life, it can act as a force within us, to open the doors to the path of our future. The hard work that we put in every day towards our goal adds up overtime to accomplishing our goal. When we accomplish our goal, our self esteem rises and opportunities find us.
The road to finding our mission in life is sometimes a rocky road but its well worth it. It is by taking responsibility for our OWN life that we grow up emotionally and can be used in the world to serve others. By keeping our big goal in mind, and our purpose in our heart, we can give less importance to the daily struggles that find us. When we’re able to find and use our gift, we grow. It is by serving others with our gift that we build our self esteem. And when we are serving others at full throttle and fulfilling our destiny, our lives matter deeply.
The challenge is to find that passion, joy and connection in the world. Our challenge is to find the reason why God created us with the certain talents, joys, concerns, beliefs and dreams. When we discover that, we have discovered a meaningful life!
This beautiful young woman is 28, is single, has two boys 8 & 10 and works full time. Her ex isn’t in her life and one of her boys has developmental delays. Since she had babies so young she never finished school but has worked ever since she had the kids. She’s smart, kind and a devoted mom. She’s respected at work and has a great support network of friends.
Lindsay is the type of women that men really like. She’s gorgeous, intelligent, warm and witty and very kind hearted. But Lindsay confided to me today that she often breaks off relationships when the men disappoint her in some way. She’s aware that her own insecurities and jealousies have made her push great guys away from her and she’s conscious that she might be close to doing that to her current boyfriend. He’s loving and devoted and she admitted that she is falling in love with him.
Our coaching session started out with her wanting to know how to handle her boyfriend and what to do about their future. I explained to her that if it’s been a pattern in her life then it’s more important to look at her and to build her own foundation than to focus on the externals with relationships that may or may not work. I explained to her that if she continues on the same path without changing anything, then she’ll get the same results.
I cut right to the core. I asked her “what about YOU?” What is it that YOU want? What is it that YOU have the desire to do? I explained to her that as she built her relationship with God, with herself, built her intelligence, got credentials, (physical, spiritual, and mental and emotional), then her standards would automatically rise. I explained to her that the more she grew herself, more appealing she’d become to herself that she would tolerate less bad behavior from others.
When she answered that she wanted to become a child psychologist and a behavioral specialist, her eyes welled up with tears. She said that ever since she was a child, she loved knowing kids that had challenges and intuitively understood the psychology and behavior of kids. In her job, she soaks up any information she can get her hands on that have to do with the kids she serves. She had told me that before but was continuing worrying about the day to day activities, bills and circumstances in her life which got in the way. I stated that lets not look at the obstacles yet, but let’s look at the goal and work backwards.
Her goal is to get a PHD in Psychology.
Her first step, then, is to finish her undergraduate work.
She’ll have to call the admissions directors to nearby schools and explain her situation.
She may need to get a referral to get into the school.
She’s going to need financial assistance and might need to cut back on her hours at work.
She’ll then pursue a Masters and a Doctorate.
In 10 years time or less, she’ll have a Doctorate degree and two kids who have learned more from a mommy that was dedicated to bettering herself than worrying about which man to date.
Lindsay left our session so excited. She did want to discuss the “relationship” issue again about should she or shouldn’t she tolerate some of the things she is tolerating and at that point, and because I know her so well, I quirkily responded, “blah, blah, blah, those are the types of distractions that are going to get in your way to getting what you want in life.” I encouraged her to focus again on HER, on what SHE needed to get in her life so she could be proud of the hard work she put in to accomplish a goal.
She ended with a huge smile on her face. She promised to get on the phone tomorrow to the admissions counselors and to get an appointment. She shared with me that she knew that it was her “purpose” to help others with their kids’ problems and challenges. We also discussed that she was going to “spend the time anyway, so you might as well spend it doing something useful instead of wasting it.”
Coaching Lindsay this morning was another reminder to me that there are MILLIONS of distractions in life and we have the ability to choose which ones to give time and energy to on a daily basis. We all have relationships that suck our energy, bills to pay, work to do, dishes to do, trips to take, friends to see and illnesses that slow us down, but when we identify our purpose, our mission and our vision for our life, it can act as a force within us, to open the doors to the path of our future. The hard work that we put in every day towards our goal adds up overtime to accomplishing our goal. When we accomplish our goal, our self esteem rises and opportunities find us.
The road to finding our mission in life is sometimes a rocky road but its well worth it. It is by taking responsibility for our OWN life that we grow up emotionally and can be used in the world to serve others. By keeping our big goal in mind, and our purpose in our heart, we can give less importance to the daily struggles that find us. When we’re able to find and use our gift, we grow. It is by serving others with our gift that we build our self esteem. And when we are serving others at full throttle and fulfilling our destiny, our lives matter deeply.
The challenge is to find that passion, joy and connection in the world. Our challenge is to find the reason why God created us with the certain talents, joys, concerns, beliefs and dreams. When we discover that, we have discovered a meaningful life!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
If your kids are watching commercials they may be learning bad manners!
I recently saw a national commercial with a family passing the (very well known) butter to each other at the dinner table. I was shocked to see the ad feature a family who each wanted to spread the butter on their bread and they asked to have someone else pass the butter by saying just that: “Pass the butter”. It happened more than once during the commercial and it sounded just as grotesque to me the second time as it did the first!
What I want to know is which advertiser is responsible for putting something so coarse and so rude on the air! Didn’t your mother teach you always to say please? At least when you pass the “Grey Poupon” you’re saying it with style!
Manners in our society have been dwindling for the past several years. People live in a constant state of rush so the little things like manners get tossed out the window. It’s such a shame too, because if you ask any executive what is the number one thing that makes a person successful, I guarantee that they won’t say, his or her intelligence. They’ll talk about team work, and the ability of getting along with others. They’ll talk about how nice the person is, and how likable.
So moms, when your kids are running out the door now in a hurry, one of the greatest gifts that you can give them is to demand that they be polite. Make them say their “pleases and thank you’s”. They may get annoyed at you now, but they’ll be thanking you 5-10 years from now when they have to be in the work force and they feel like a fish out of water. Even if they have no clue what to do, if they are nice, and polite, others will take them under their wing and help them out.
So people, let’s practice our manners at home, so when we’re out interacting with each other, we don’t end up sounding like we’re on a bad butter commercial!
What I want to know is which advertiser is responsible for putting something so coarse and so rude on the air! Didn’t your mother teach you always to say please? At least when you pass the “Grey Poupon” you’re saying it with style!
Manners in our society have been dwindling for the past several years. People live in a constant state of rush so the little things like manners get tossed out the window. It’s such a shame too, because if you ask any executive what is the number one thing that makes a person successful, I guarantee that they won’t say, his or her intelligence. They’ll talk about team work, and the ability of getting along with others. They’ll talk about how nice the person is, and how likable.
So moms, when your kids are running out the door now in a hurry, one of the greatest gifts that you can give them is to demand that they be polite. Make them say their “pleases and thank you’s”. They may get annoyed at you now, but they’ll be thanking you 5-10 years from now when they have to be in the work force and they feel like a fish out of water. Even if they have no clue what to do, if they are nice, and polite, others will take them under their wing and help them out.
So people, let’s practice our manners at home, so when we’re out interacting with each other, we don’t end up sounding like we’re on a bad butter commercial!
The Miracle Cure for Wearing Clothes & Shoes for a Finicky Kid
My son Jeremy will almost be six years old next week. For the first 5 ¾ years of his life, putting his shoes and socks and clothes on was a struggle. It isn’t anymore. We’ve come across a miracle cure!!!
Jeremy was diagnosed this past year with Sensory Integration Disorder. He started having problems in school and so we were referred to a place called Lifeskills, in Winter Park, FL. They work with many kids with challenges and specialize in Sensory issues.
The problems we encountered at home were on a daily basis. Getting him out of bed was a struggle, finding the right breakfast and ultimately, we dreaded getting him dressed every day. Socks and shoes were constantly being pulled off and tossed. Clothes were never soft enough and the tags all had to go. I spent hundreds of dollars finding clothes and shoes that he’d keep on his body. Once, Jeremy struggled so hard with pulling off his coat, he slipped and fell, and bumped his head on a chair. That little incident cost him 15 stitches in his head.
When we entered therapy we outlined the laundry list of issues Jeremy had. The big one for us was getting him dressed. Once the therapist gave us the occupational therapy brush and showed us how to brush his arms and legs up and down and his feet, and then to do joint compressions. This brushing is actually a deep pressure massage with a surgical brush and is followed by joint compressions. An occupational therapist can train you once and you’ll use it at home. (You can find an OT by going through the school counselor or through your family doctor). It was only 2 -3 of days of brushing Jeremy a few times a day before Jeremy was able to adjust quickly to his shoes when we put them on in the morning.
It’s been like a miracle! Jeremy can now wear clothes and will put on socks and keep them there! He still prefers silky clothes like football jersey’s but he will put on socks now and not scream and cry. Before we learned of this type of massage it must have felt like he was putting a wool sweater on during the middle of August.
Learning this technique and others at occupational therapy has been a God send in our lives. We used to dread every morning getting Jeremy up and ready for school. We were late nearly every day depending upon what clothes I could find that would feel comfortable.
Now, Jeremy dresses himself on most days and our greatest concern is what to make him for breakfast. We still struggle occasionally getting him out of bed, but from what I understand, THAT could be a struggle well into his teen years. And as long as we don’t to dress him then, I think we’ll be fine with that!
Jeremy was diagnosed this past year with Sensory Integration Disorder. He started having problems in school and so we were referred to a place called Lifeskills, in Winter Park, FL. They work with many kids with challenges and specialize in Sensory issues.
The problems we encountered at home were on a daily basis. Getting him out of bed was a struggle, finding the right breakfast and ultimately, we dreaded getting him dressed every day. Socks and shoes were constantly being pulled off and tossed. Clothes were never soft enough and the tags all had to go. I spent hundreds of dollars finding clothes and shoes that he’d keep on his body. Once, Jeremy struggled so hard with pulling off his coat, he slipped and fell, and bumped his head on a chair. That little incident cost him 15 stitches in his head.
When we entered therapy we outlined the laundry list of issues Jeremy had. The big one for us was getting him dressed. Once the therapist gave us the occupational therapy brush and showed us how to brush his arms and legs up and down and his feet, and then to do joint compressions. This brushing is actually a deep pressure massage with a surgical brush and is followed by joint compressions. An occupational therapist can train you once and you’ll use it at home. (You can find an OT by going through the school counselor or through your family doctor). It was only 2 -3 of days of brushing Jeremy a few times a day before Jeremy was able to adjust quickly to his shoes when we put them on in the morning.
It’s been like a miracle! Jeremy can now wear clothes and will put on socks and keep them there! He still prefers silky clothes like football jersey’s but he will put on socks now and not scream and cry. Before we learned of this type of massage it must have felt like he was putting a wool sweater on during the middle of August.
Learning this technique and others at occupational therapy has been a God send in our lives. We used to dread every morning getting Jeremy up and ready for school. We were late nearly every day depending upon what clothes I could find that would feel comfortable.
Now, Jeremy dresses himself on most days and our greatest concern is what to make him for breakfast. We still struggle occasionally getting him out of bed, but from what I understand, THAT could be a struggle well into his teen years. And as long as we don’t to dress him then, I think we’ll be fine with that!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
How To Be a Popular Teenager
1. You are GREAT how you are!
Look around. Everyone has different skills and levels of success in school, athletics, creativity, charm, looks, grades, hobbies, etc. Make a list of all of the skills and talents that YOU have. Post it on your wall and on your mirror so you can see it and read it every day. Doing this reminds you of your self worth.. and everyone needs to do that as much as possible!
2. Life is a continual learning process
Believe it or not, whether you are in school, or working full time, the most productive people are constantly learning. Sometimes you focus on music, sometimes on languages, sometimes on your social skills, and sometimes knowing all of the music groups on MTV. Do your best to be open to things other than just what you HAVE to know or what’s COOL to know. For instance, if you are usually a sports fan, pick up a book on something cultural to do with plays or movies. If you are a music-aholic, then take some time to go white water rafting or canoeing. You’ll be more well balanced and get along with a greater amount of people.
3. Focus on looking at what is GREAT in others
When you are a teen, your life sometimes revolves around what others think! Some people can make it hard on us, and some people could care less. People like those people who show an interest in them. Start asking questions of the other kids in your class and in your school. Talk about what interests THEM. Even if you aren’t in their group, show an interest in what they are interested in or like to do. NEVER criticize, but acknowledge them for having talent and for having special interests. Even if you don’t “GET” it, you can say, “hey, that’s great”. It’ll make them feel good about THEMSELVES.
4. Learn to LAUGH and help others have fun!
Getting a kick out of others is a great way to be well received by others. If you find others humorous or funny, LAUGH. Look for things to compliment about others.. and have fun with people as much as possible. The teenage years aren’t easy and if you can focus on helping OTHERS to have fun, then you’ll be a step ahead. Be creative in your approach but don’t poke fun AT a person. There is a difference of laughing WITH the person and not AT them. Rule of thumb – if you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all. People always like to talk about themselves.. so get people talking and laughing!
5. Become an expert in something!
What are you interested in? Do you have a passion for writing or for sewing? Do you get a charge out of designing clothes or by the latest makeup? Do you have an interest in the martial arts? How about motorcycles or horseback riding? Wherever YOUR interest lies, become an expert in it! If you don’t have any hobbies besides watching TV or movies, you are missing the boat. If those ARE your hobbies, then you might want to PLAY an instrument! If you are a competitive athlete or totally dedicated to one activity, try to integrate another hobby or interest into your life. It’s bound to open up new conversation and friends.
6. Hang with groups!
The stress of teenage relationships is a lot to bear. Do yourself and your parents a favor by spending time in groups and not alone with the person who is the object of your affection! Getting a group of friends together is not only a great time, but it assures that you have many friends to be close to. Finding a group is the difficult part but activities like church retreats, school clubs, athletic teams or a teen sponsored event can bring teens together. Be willing to make new friends in addition to the old. Go to places where students from other schools will attend and where you can meet them. Everyone feels uncomfortable at first so just understand that everyone is in the same place. Many fun times can come from finding a good group of friends.
7. Find some positive role models
Decide what type of person you want to be and write it down. There are many positive role models and it makes it easier if you have someone to look up to. If your role model lets you down in some way, which they probably will at some point, realize that everyone is human and no one is perfect. You can have different role models for different things. Find the qualities you like in them and work on developing them in yourself.
8. Know your boundaries
Teens can be absolutely terrific and some can be absolutely horrible. One day you have dozens of friends and the next day you are the social outcast. It happens to everyone at some point and what is important to know that it is a phase. Be willing to know what you will and will not put up with and let your friends know what is and is not OKAY behavior. If someone isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve, ask why. If they continue, tell them to stop. DON”T let bad behavior go on without saying something. If someone is bullying you, take a stand. If you don’t want your parents involved, go to a guidance counselor or to a teacher. If you see someone being bullied, have the guts to stand up for the person.
9. Be a joiner!
So many people just float from class to class without having a purpose. Joining clubs, athletic teams or going to events is a great way to see and be seen. The more you get out there, the more people you are going to meet. Then, when the inevitable happens, that your best friend moves, gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a new best friend, you’ll already have other friends you can hang with.
10. Your parents are not the enemy!
If you have parents who are strict, don’t let you do everything you want, make you have a curfew, are cautioning you about certain people you are hanging with, or are all around pain in the necks, BE GLAD. Believe it or not, they aren’t as dumb as you might expect, and they were once in your shoes. They probably want to raise you to have respect for yourself and for others, and they are probably working hard to provide a good living for you. Your parents aren’t perfect, NO ONE is, but they are doing the best job they know how. Don’t forget to ask THEM how THEY are, and sympathize with them when they have a bad day, or congratulate them for successes in their lives and careers. And, I can tell you that their friends are people too! You’ll find that adults can be great friends the older you get so don’t be intimidated by their age. You can be popular and well liked with the adults too!
Look around. Everyone has different skills and levels of success in school, athletics, creativity, charm, looks, grades, hobbies, etc. Make a list of all of the skills and talents that YOU have. Post it on your wall and on your mirror so you can see it and read it every day. Doing this reminds you of your self worth.. and everyone needs to do that as much as possible!
2. Life is a continual learning process
Believe it or not, whether you are in school, or working full time, the most productive people are constantly learning. Sometimes you focus on music, sometimes on languages, sometimes on your social skills, and sometimes knowing all of the music groups on MTV. Do your best to be open to things other than just what you HAVE to know or what’s COOL to know. For instance, if you are usually a sports fan, pick up a book on something cultural to do with plays or movies. If you are a music-aholic, then take some time to go white water rafting or canoeing. You’ll be more well balanced and get along with a greater amount of people.
3. Focus on looking at what is GREAT in others
When you are a teen, your life sometimes revolves around what others think! Some people can make it hard on us, and some people could care less. People like those people who show an interest in them. Start asking questions of the other kids in your class and in your school. Talk about what interests THEM. Even if you aren’t in their group, show an interest in what they are interested in or like to do. NEVER criticize, but acknowledge them for having talent and for having special interests. Even if you don’t “GET” it, you can say, “hey, that’s great”. It’ll make them feel good about THEMSELVES.
4. Learn to LAUGH and help others have fun!
Getting a kick out of others is a great way to be well received by others. If you find others humorous or funny, LAUGH. Look for things to compliment about others.. and have fun with people as much as possible. The teenage years aren’t easy and if you can focus on helping OTHERS to have fun, then you’ll be a step ahead. Be creative in your approach but don’t poke fun AT a person. There is a difference of laughing WITH the person and not AT them. Rule of thumb – if you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all. People always like to talk about themselves.. so get people talking and laughing!
5. Become an expert in something!
What are you interested in? Do you have a passion for writing or for sewing? Do you get a charge out of designing clothes or by the latest makeup? Do you have an interest in the martial arts? How about motorcycles or horseback riding? Wherever YOUR interest lies, become an expert in it! If you don’t have any hobbies besides watching TV or movies, you are missing the boat. If those ARE your hobbies, then you might want to PLAY an instrument! If you are a competitive athlete or totally dedicated to one activity, try to integrate another hobby or interest into your life. It’s bound to open up new conversation and friends.
6. Hang with groups!
The stress of teenage relationships is a lot to bear. Do yourself and your parents a favor by spending time in groups and not alone with the person who is the object of your affection! Getting a group of friends together is not only a great time, but it assures that you have many friends to be close to. Finding a group is the difficult part but activities like church retreats, school clubs, athletic teams or a teen sponsored event can bring teens together. Be willing to make new friends in addition to the old. Go to places where students from other schools will attend and where you can meet them. Everyone feels uncomfortable at first so just understand that everyone is in the same place. Many fun times can come from finding a good group of friends.
7. Find some positive role models
Decide what type of person you want to be and write it down. There are many positive role models and it makes it easier if you have someone to look up to. If your role model lets you down in some way, which they probably will at some point, realize that everyone is human and no one is perfect. You can have different role models for different things. Find the qualities you like in them and work on developing them in yourself.
8. Know your boundaries
Teens can be absolutely terrific and some can be absolutely horrible. One day you have dozens of friends and the next day you are the social outcast. It happens to everyone at some point and what is important to know that it is a phase. Be willing to know what you will and will not put up with and let your friends know what is and is not OKAY behavior. If someone isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve, ask why. If they continue, tell them to stop. DON”T let bad behavior go on without saying something. If someone is bullying you, take a stand. If you don’t want your parents involved, go to a guidance counselor or to a teacher. If you see someone being bullied, have the guts to stand up for the person.
9. Be a joiner!
So many people just float from class to class without having a purpose. Joining clubs, athletic teams or going to events is a great way to see and be seen. The more you get out there, the more people you are going to meet. Then, when the inevitable happens, that your best friend moves, gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a new best friend, you’ll already have other friends you can hang with.
10. Your parents are not the enemy!
If you have parents who are strict, don’t let you do everything you want, make you have a curfew, are cautioning you about certain people you are hanging with, or are all around pain in the necks, BE GLAD. Believe it or not, they aren’t as dumb as you might expect, and they were once in your shoes. They probably want to raise you to have respect for yourself and for others, and they are probably working hard to provide a good living for you. Your parents aren’t perfect, NO ONE is, but they are doing the best job they know how. Don’t forget to ask THEM how THEY are, and sympathize with them when they have a bad day, or congratulate them for successes in their lives and careers. And, I can tell you that their friends are people too! You’ll find that adults can be great friends the older you get so don’t be intimidated by their age. You can be popular and well liked with the adults too!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Educating your Child’s teachers when he has Sensory Integration Disorder
My 5 year old child Jeremy was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder this year. Learning to deal with a child with SID has been a challenge. Even more challenging has been teaching his teachers how to work with Jeremy and getting us both to the point where we were bound and determined to help this child who was clearly different. It has been somewhat of a struggle at times, but over the months we’ve developed into a team. One who works with Jeremy during the day, and me, the mom who parents him in the afternoons, evenings and on the weekends. Now, we share our discoveries with each other. But it wasn’t always that way.
We discovered that he might have this disorder one night last summer while going out with some friends to dinner. The lady we dined with is a children’s occupational therapist and listened to me and my husband discuss our child and how challenging he is.
She listened intently and didn’t make a diagnosis but encouraged us to buy the book “The Out of Sync Child”. Even though my husband was clearly skeptical, he went home that night and bought the book on line.
Our lives have been different ever since.
We started reading about SID and realized that we weren’t alone. There are literally thousands of other parents who were also suffering without the knowledge or the support like we were. We knew we had a child who was challenging. We just didn’t know that it wasn’t a personality problem. What we learned, was that it was a difference in the way his brain operated.
There was about a 6 week gap in between the time where we self diagnosed Jeremy because of the book and getting the real evaluation. I would have had him diagnosed the next day but there are so few resources and we had to wait until an opening occurred and we could get into see the Occupational Therapists. During that time, Jeremy was getting in trouble at school every day and I was receiving bad notes home regarding Jeremy.
The notes mostly were about his lack of attention, focus and his constant talking. He was punished daily because he couldn’t finish his work on time and was forced to sit out for 10 minutes during the 15-20 minute recess. Many days he was taken out of recess for the whole time and forced to sit on the sidelines while the other kids played or had to sit at a table to finish his work.
Other punishments have been that they took away his crayons for months on end because he broke 2 crayons. He’s been sent to the principal’s office several times for acting up and many days Jeremy was physically restrained when he had complete melt downs when either Mommy or Daddy left him behind.
Over the past several months we’ve gotten the diagnosis and have entered occupational therapy once a week. We’ve noticed remarkable changes in our son, but still know we have a long way to go. One of the hardest things is to know whether the problems are because of discipline, or SID. After reading, speaking with other parents and trying different therapies, I’ve gotten better at solving the problems.
When dealing with the teachers, I have never taken a “me versus you” approach. I have written notes to the teacher several times a week explaining what I do at home to correct a problem. I threw a complete and nasty fit I must admit when I discovered quite by accident that Jeremy was taken out of recess every day for bad behavior. Activity, running and jumping is the ONE thing that should NEVER be taken away from a kid with SIDS. It’s a complete set up for failure. I marched right to the principals office and got a meeting.
Since then, we’ve scheduled regular meetings to discuss Jeremy and his progress. Our principal saw how completely frustrated, fried and upset I was over the whole thing. She had great wisdom when she told me, “Mary, don’t do anything rash. It’s going to take some time but lets keep working on it.”. Somehow, I got off my personal high horse and listened to her encouraging words. I also opened up and started telling everyone who would listen that my kid had SID. The mothers were sympathetic and started introducing me to OTHER moms who had kids with the same problem.
The frustrating thing is that the other mom’s kids didn’t have the exact same issues as my kid, yet they were all diagnosed with the same problem. That is when educating yourself is so important. There are so many different characteristics of SID and it’s helpful to know that your child’s brain is different. And it’s helpful for you to help remind the teacher of that as well.
Because I’ve been open about our struggles, our teacher has been so willing to learn about it too. She is now working with the counselor to arrange some different things in the classroom that will help all of the kids, not just Jeremy. Our counselor has grabbed the bull by the horns and is pushing the teachers to embrace these differences and she’s becoming a resource for other counselors at other schools. She’s recommending on line resources to parents and has just been a God send to so many of the parents who suffer daily with this issue.
I’d love to say that our issues with the teachers are completely resolved. But, as issues arise, we have to look patiently for a solution to the problem. As recently as 2 weeks ago I went to the principal and showed her Jeremy’s journal that they work on every day. He used to be clearly one of the most gifted artists in the class and now is only allowed to work with pencils and is scribbling in frustration. One look at those journals by the counselor and she had him using crayons the next week. I had mentioned this to the teacher in writing a few times via my notes and still she didn’t change her mind. It did take me going to the counselor to get a change. Yet, we maintained our solidly good relationship. I know she understands that I’m trying to do the best for my child.
The relationship between the teacher and the parent can absolutely make it or break it for the child. If the teacher hates the parent, then how effective will he really be in dealing with the kid if the child is a complete challenge to everyone? I wish there was a program in every school to help the parents know how to deal with the counselors. It does take patience and wisdom and the knowledge that it’s going to be bad for a while, until everyone gets educated and finds a way to work together.
Supporting each other is the first step. I’m now hearing from other mom’s who are out there struggling all alone. I encourage them to speak up in their communities and support the other moms, to get educated, to educate their families and to educate their teachers.
One day, Sensory Integration Disorder won’t be such a mystery. Every class will have the ability to integrate these challenging children and will be set up with quiet corners, have balls for the kids to sit on, bean bags to lay on during reading time, heavy weights to sit on their laps, gum will be allowed to be chewed for the kids who need something to help them keep quiet, and the other children will understand and accept the differences. Once we educate our own kids how to manage their brains, their bodies and teach them all how they can learn best, then we’ll be at a much better place in education.
We have to dream before it can happen. Then, we can get to work together to make it happen!
We discovered that he might have this disorder one night last summer while going out with some friends to dinner. The lady we dined with is a children’s occupational therapist and listened to me and my husband discuss our child and how challenging he is.
She listened intently and didn’t make a diagnosis but encouraged us to buy the book “The Out of Sync Child”. Even though my husband was clearly skeptical, he went home that night and bought the book on line.
Our lives have been different ever since.
We started reading about SID and realized that we weren’t alone. There are literally thousands of other parents who were also suffering without the knowledge or the support like we were. We knew we had a child who was challenging. We just didn’t know that it wasn’t a personality problem. What we learned, was that it was a difference in the way his brain operated.
There was about a 6 week gap in between the time where we self diagnosed Jeremy because of the book and getting the real evaluation. I would have had him diagnosed the next day but there are so few resources and we had to wait until an opening occurred and we could get into see the Occupational Therapists. During that time, Jeremy was getting in trouble at school every day and I was receiving bad notes home regarding Jeremy.
The notes mostly were about his lack of attention, focus and his constant talking. He was punished daily because he couldn’t finish his work on time and was forced to sit out for 10 minutes during the 15-20 minute recess. Many days he was taken out of recess for the whole time and forced to sit on the sidelines while the other kids played or had to sit at a table to finish his work.
Other punishments have been that they took away his crayons for months on end because he broke 2 crayons. He’s been sent to the principal’s office several times for acting up and many days Jeremy was physically restrained when he had complete melt downs when either Mommy or Daddy left him behind.
Over the past several months we’ve gotten the diagnosis and have entered occupational therapy once a week. We’ve noticed remarkable changes in our son, but still know we have a long way to go. One of the hardest things is to know whether the problems are because of discipline, or SID. After reading, speaking with other parents and trying different therapies, I’ve gotten better at solving the problems.
When dealing with the teachers, I have never taken a “me versus you” approach. I have written notes to the teacher several times a week explaining what I do at home to correct a problem. I threw a complete and nasty fit I must admit when I discovered quite by accident that Jeremy was taken out of recess every day for bad behavior. Activity, running and jumping is the ONE thing that should NEVER be taken away from a kid with SIDS. It’s a complete set up for failure. I marched right to the principals office and got a meeting.
Since then, we’ve scheduled regular meetings to discuss Jeremy and his progress. Our principal saw how completely frustrated, fried and upset I was over the whole thing. She had great wisdom when she told me, “Mary, don’t do anything rash. It’s going to take some time but lets keep working on it.”. Somehow, I got off my personal high horse and listened to her encouraging words. I also opened up and started telling everyone who would listen that my kid had SID. The mothers were sympathetic and started introducing me to OTHER moms who had kids with the same problem.
The frustrating thing is that the other mom’s kids didn’t have the exact same issues as my kid, yet they were all diagnosed with the same problem. That is when educating yourself is so important. There are so many different characteristics of SID and it’s helpful to know that your child’s brain is different. And it’s helpful for you to help remind the teacher of that as well.
Because I’ve been open about our struggles, our teacher has been so willing to learn about it too. She is now working with the counselor to arrange some different things in the classroom that will help all of the kids, not just Jeremy. Our counselor has grabbed the bull by the horns and is pushing the teachers to embrace these differences and she’s becoming a resource for other counselors at other schools. She’s recommending on line resources to parents and has just been a God send to so many of the parents who suffer daily with this issue.
I’d love to say that our issues with the teachers are completely resolved. But, as issues arise, we have to look patiently for a solution to the problem. As recently as 2 weeks ago I went to the principal and showed her Jeremy’s journal that they work on every day. He used to be clearly one of the most gifted artists in the class and now is only allowed to work with pencils and is scribbling in frustration. One look at those journals by the counselor and she had him using crayons the next week. I had mentioned this to the teacher in writing a few times via my notes and still she didn’t change her mind. It did take me going to the counselor to get a change. Yet, we maintained our solidly good relationship. I know she understands that I’m trying to do the best for my child.
The relationship between the teacher and the parent can absolutely make it or break it for the child. If the teacher hates the parent, then how effective will he really be in dealing with the kid if the child is a complete challenge to everyone? I wish there was a program in every school to help the parents know how to deal with the counselors. It does take patience and wisdom and the knowledge that it’s going to be bad for a while, until everyone gets educated and finds a way to work together.
Supporting each other is the first step. I’m now hearing from other mom’s who are out there struggling all alone. I encourage them to speak up in their communities and support the other moms, to get educated, to educate their families and to educate their teachers.
One day, Sensory Integration Disorder won’t be such a mystery. Every class will have the ability to integrate these challenging children and will be set up with quiet corners, have balls for the kids to sit on, bean bags to lay on during reading time, heavy weights to sit on their laps, gum will be allowed to be chewed for the kids who need something to help them keep quiet, and the other children will understand and accept the differences. Once we educate our own kids how to manage their brains, their bodies and teach them all how they can learn best, then we’ll be at a much better place in education.
We have to dream before it can happen. Then, we can get to work together to make it happen!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Speaker
1. Be Prepared! The number one reason why people get nervous is that they don’t feel prepared. It is important to practice your speech over and over and over in the mirror and on tape so you can feel comfortable that your message will be strong. Fear is minimized by visiting the location of your speech in advance, meeting some of the people in advance if possible and dress for success! If all else fails, use deep breathing exercises before you go on stage to remain calm.
2. Know your subject well and have facts to support your opinion.You will have left brained and right brained people in your audience. Some people respond best to facts and figures and some of them will respond best to stories. But your story will be unique and it is important that you pay attention to getting the facts straight and list your resources. People will remember how they FELT in your presence.. and not all of the facts and figures you’ll toss out. But, it’s important to show your expertise along with being a great story teller.
3. Be a great storyteller!Not only must you have great facts to back up your speech or training, but make it personal by adding stories that are fun, interesting and have a point. Make the stories short enough to keep peoples attention and if you can be dramatic during your presentation.. even BETTER! Be willing to BE YOURSELF and incorporate aspects of your life that are unique.. if you ride a motorcycle, or have a child, add it! These are ways to make people feel closer to you as a person.
4. Have top notch marketing tools!Speakers traditionally have a one sheet that is a glossy printed sheet of a short bio, references, their picture or pictures, and the topics they can discuss. Speakers also must have a well written bio, topic sheets, any press that you have had on you, articles that you’ve written or have been written about you, and as many references as you can get on letterhead if possible. If you have out of date reference letters, white out the date and copy the letter and send it. If you have a book, you can include it but it’s not necessary. The video is perhaps the most important and should be between 5-10 min. of you speaking in front of a live audience.
5. Have a marketing & PR plan in place.Most people are using their website as a marketing tool and on the website should be downloadable pages for meeting planners to bring to their committee. Many people even have color printers so if you send a mailing out announcing your Website, they’ll be able to download everything. Send regular updates via email and even in mail form if you can afford it. It might get tossed, but it’s the consistency that people are looking for. If they see you pop up year after year, they are bound to give you a shot at some point. Many speakers have freebies on their website, give workshops to spread the word, and network with other speakers to mutually support one another. Spending time getting your name out to the media is a very worthwhile thing to do and ALWAYS mention that you are available to speak and your website by referring to it during your interview. You can offer some sort of free list or information if people go to your website. People always like to get stuff for free!
6. Be willing to be flexible and tailor presentations.Many organizations are going to want a tailored presentation. They might have a need for a keynote and a seminar and if you can offer both, you might get the business over someone who can’t. Also, if you offer a 3 day workshop, the corporation might only have 1 day available for you to work, so if you can also offer a shortened version, you’ll be seen as flexible. Many speakers work with the meeting planners or agents in advance to get as much information as possible about the group or industry. This shows you’ve done your homework and aren’t just showing up.
7. Assess your audience in advance.Organizations are made up of many different skills and skill level. Education backgrounds vary according to industry or job title. Be aware of the group that you are talking to so you won’t speak over their head, or quite frankly, below it. Audiences are smart and you really can’t ‘wing it’ much any more. While they might be polite to your face, they WILL tell your agent or spread the word and not have you back. Stay away from sexual jokes, political talk, religious references and knocking an industry or company if they are down on their luck. It is best to only speak positive about others because you are ON STAGE and people ARE WATCHING.
8. Speak for free!When you are first starting your speaking business, do whatever you can including speaking for free, workshops, training, keynotes, coaching and consulting. You never know when opportunities will arise and most speakers do a combination of all of the above in their business until they are well known and profitable.
9. Meet as many agents and bureaus as possible.If you are working with several agents, you are more than likely to get more bookings. Agents are people and like working with individuals who are professional, trained, and successful. It makes them look good. Agents usually get 20-30% commission on top of your fee, and they earn every penny. They are on the phone and marketing full time and developing the relationships that you need in order to be booked at associations, corporations and colleges. You can meet them either by visiting them in your city, by finding them on line, by going to national conferences such as the National Speaker Association conferences (www.nsaspeaker.org) or by purchasing a list of bureaus from Sharing Ideas Magazine at www.walters-intl.com.
10. Show me the Money!Back of the room sales can more than pay for your honorarium if you can arrange it. Speakers sell books, tapes, video tapes, workbooks and collaborate with other speakers on projects to sell them jointly. The most common advice is “do tapes before you think you are ready”. You can always upgrade and you should continue to upgrade!
2. Know your subject well and have facts to support your opinion.You will have left brained and right brained people in your audience. Some people respond best to facts and figures and some of them will respond best to stories. But your story will be unique and it is important that you pay attention to getting the facts straight and list your resources. People will remember how they FELT in your presence.. and not all of the facts and figures you’ll toss out. But, it’s important to show your expertise along with being a great story teller.
3. Be a great storyteller!Not only must you have great facts to back up your speech or training, but make it personal by adding stories that are fun, interesting and have a point. Make the stories short enough to keep peoples attention and if you can be dramatic during your presentation.. even BETTER! Be willing to BE YOURSELF and incorporate aspects of your life that are unique.. if you ride a motorcycle, or have a child, add it! These are ways to make people feel closer to you as a person.
4. Have top notch marketing tools!Speakers traditionally have a one sheet that is a glossy printed sheet of a short bio, references, their picture or pictures, and the topics they can discuss. Speakers also must have a well written bio, topic sheets, any press that you have had on you, articles that you’ve written or have been written about you, and as many references as you can get on letterhead if possible. If you have out of date reference letters, white out the date and copy the letter and send it. If you have a book, you can include it but it’s not necessary. The video is perhaps the most important and should be between 5-10 min. of you speaking in front of a live audience.
5. Have a marketing & PR plan in place.Most people are using their website as a marketing tool and on the website should be downloadable pages for meeting planners to bring to their committee. Many people even have color printers so if you send a mailing out announcing your Website, they’ll be able to download everything. Send regular updates via email and even in mail form if you can afford it. It might get tossed, but it’s the consistency that people are looking for. If they see you pop up year after year, they are bound to give you a shot at some point. Many speakers have freebies on their website, give workshops to spread the word, and network with other speakers to mutually support one another. Spending time getting your name out to the media is a very worthwhile thing to do and ALWAYS mention that you are available to speak and your website by referring to it during your interview. You can offer some sort of free list or information if people go to your website. People always like to get stuff for free!
6. Be willing to be flexible and tailor presentations.Many organizations are going to want a tailored presentation. They might have a need for a keynote and a seminar and if you can offer both, you might get the business over someone who can’t. Also, if you offer a 3 day workshop, the corporation might only have 1 day available for you to work, so if you can also offer a shortened version, you’ll be seen as flexible. Many speakers work with the meeting planners or agents in advance to get as much information as possible about the group or industry. This shows you’ve done your homework and aren’t just showing up.
7. Assess your audience in advance.Organizations are made up of many different skills and skill level. Education backgrounds vary according to industry or job title. Be aware of the group that you are talking to so you won’t speak over their head, or quite frankly, below it. Audiences are smart and you really can’t ‘wing it’ much any more. While they might be polite to your face, they WILL tell your agent or spread the word and not have you back. Stay away from sexual jokes, political talk, religious references and knocking an industry or company if they are down on their luck. It is best to only speak positive about others because you are ON STAGE and people ARE WATCHING.
8. Speak for free!When you are first starting your speaking business, do whatever you can including speaking for free, workshops, training, keynotes, coaching and consulting. You never know when opportunities will arise and most speakers do a combination of all of the above in their business until they are well known and profitable.
9. Meet as many agents and bureaus as possible.If you are working with several agents, you are more than likely to get more bookings. Agents are people and like working with individuals who are professional, trained, and successful. It makes them look good. Agents usually get 20-30% commission on top of your fee, and they earn every penny. They are on the phone and marketing full time and developing the relationships that you need in order to be booked at associations, corporations and colleges. You can meet them either by visiting them in your city, by finding them on line, by going to national conferences such as the National Speaker Association conferences (www.nsaspeaker.org) or by purchasing a list of bureaus from Sharing Ideas Magazine at www.walters-intl.com.
10. Show me the Money!Back of the room sales can more than pay for your honorarium if you can arrange it. Speakers sell books, tapes, video tapes, workbooks and collaborate with other speakers on projects to sell them jointly. The most common advice is “do tapes before you think you are ready”. You can always upgrade and you should continue to upgrade!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
The Magic of Charisma!
It’s that IT factor! It’s that special something that really makes people shine. It’s a combination of confidence, energy and warmth, and an extra sparkle in the eye. It’s easy to spot, but not so easy to attain. The question is.. do you have it? And can you get it?
The answer is YES!
If you take one look at all of the American Idol contestants, there is one thing in common with the people who HAVE it. They don’t need to promote it. It shines within them and they get more respect from the judges even if they don’t have a great voice. The judges usually say, “it was nice to meet you and good luck” as opposed to “Get me OUTTA here”. Watching American Idol is a wonderful way to study the quality of “charisma” over, and over and over again.
Charismatic people come in all shapes and sizes. There are some absolutely beautiful people with no inner spark whatsoever. There are tons of incredibly overweight or not so attractive in the traditional sense, that have been gifted with tons of Charisma.
The secret? It takes WORK.. but we all have it. Here are some quick tips:
Know who you are. Then SHUT up and BE it. People who have to talk about it all the time are BORES. When you know who you are, you can focus on OTHERS and get to know them.
Be an expert at something. Be smart. Be beautiful. Be a pianist. Be a martial artist. Be a teacher. Be an expert on ants.. it really doesn’t matter… just work and work and work and WORK, until you are an EXPERT at something.
Don’t be your own judge. Compete against others. Be judged in your sport or compete somehow or get noticed by OTHERS so you KNOW that you’ve accomplished something and are an expert at it. This can take years…. so suck it up and work on your craft!
Teach others and share with others your passion. When you’ve had some successes and some failures, you’ll appreciate yourself a lot more for the work you’ve put in. Then you can tell others about it… or better yet.. just show them! And when they compliment you.. say “thank you.” Don’t gloat and don’t apologize. Just say “thank you.. and I enjoy what I do.”
Work on your personal presence. Look at people in the eyes when you talk… eyeball to eyeball. Watch yourself in the mirror to see if you can PRACTICE that “inner spark” if you don’t have it naturally. Here is a test: Say to yourself: “You just won 1 million dollars” Then look at yourself! Are you lit up like a Christmas tree? This will give you a sense of what you can be like at your best. It’s a bright eyed, sincere, and genuinely happy look. It’s NOT boring.. that’s for sure!
Certainly there are so many other things to work on like a firm handshake, small talk skills, how to get comfortable meeting new people and things like that. But when you have a starting point and realize WHO you want to be, then you will have a visual of WHAT you want to be.
I’ll leave you with an exercise: Close your eyes. Now see yourself where you want to be in 5 years. What are you wearing? What do you look like? How successful are you? What are you doing?
Carry this visual with you always. Return to it when you go to sleep at night. Wake up with it close to your heart. In time, you will become it.
Dreams take work. And you know the saying!
If it’s going to BE, it’s up to ME!
The answer is YES!
If you take one look at all of the American Idol contestants, there is one thing in common with the people who HAVE it. They don’t need to promote it. It shines within them and they get more respect from the judges even if they don’t have a great voice. The judges usually say, “it was nice to meet you and good luck” as opposed to “Get me OUTTA here”. Watching American Idol is a wonderful way to study the quality of “charisma” over, and over and over again.
Charismatic people come in all shapes and sizes. There are some absolutely beautiful people with no inner spark whatsoever. There are tons of incredibly overweight or not so attractive in the traditional sense, that have been gifted with tons of Charisma.
The secret? It takes WORK.. but we all have it. Here are some quick tips:
Know who you are. Then SHUT up and BE it. People who have to talk about it all the time are BORES. When you know who you are, you can focus on OTHERS and get to know them.
Be an expert at something. Be smart. Be beautiful. Be a pianist. Be a martial artist. Be a teacher. Be an expert on ants.. it really doesn’t matter… just work and work and work and WORK, until you are an EXPERT at something.
Don’t be your own judge. Compete against others. Be judged in your sport or compete somehow or get noticed by OTHERS so you KNOW that you’ve accomplished something and are an expert at it. This can take years…. so suck it up and work on your craft!
Teach others and share with others your passion. When you’ve had some successes and some failures, you’ll appreciate yourself a lot more for the work you’ve put in. Then you can tell others about it… or better yet.. just show them! And when they compliment you.. say “thank you.” Don’t gloat and don’t apologize. Just say “thank you.. and I enjoy what I do.”
Work on your personal presence. Look at people in the eyes when you talk… eyeball to eyeball. Watch yourself in the mirror to see if you can PRACTICE that “inner spark” if you don’t have it naturally. Here is a test: Say to yourself: “You just won 1 million dollars” Then look at yourself! Are you lit up like a Christmas tree? This will give you a sense of what you can be like at your best. It’s a bright eyed, sincere, and genuinely happy look. It’s NOT boring.. that’s for sure!
Certainly there are so many other things to work on like a firm handshake, small talk skills, how to get comfortable meeting new people and things like that. But when you have a starting point and realize WHO you want to be, then you will have a visual of WHAT you want to be.
I’ll leave you with an exercise: Close your eyes. Now see yourself where you want to be in 5 years. What are you wearing? What do you look like? How successful are you? What are you doing?
Carry this visual with you always. Return to it when you go to sleep at night. Wake up with it close to your heart. In time, you will become it.
Dreams take work. And you know the saying!
If it’s going to BE, it’s up to ME!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Do Your Dooty- Curb Your Dog!
What a joy it is to be walking through a park or open field these days. The trees! The blue sky! The scenery! THE POOP? Oh yah! You know what I mean!
While urban sprawl continues to expand, the actual space we have to roam freely in the woods gets smaller and smaller. Many of us still love to enjoy the outdoors and feel a certain kinship with the outdoors. We love to bring along our dogs for a romp in the park or a game of Frisbee. And then it happens! We step in an unsightly mess of.. DOG POOPY!!
Nothing stops a person in their tracks quicker than that!
I especially love it when my little boy has been in the park and tracks home this wonderful scent right into my living room floor. I can only imagine the bacteria which is being spread across American homes when they drag in the crap with them. Leave it to the mommies of America to clean up their carpets, the crusted and caked shoes, and wherever else the trail leads.
I am ANGRY about the selfish dog owners who don’t “Curb their dog”, as we say in New York! I’m a dog owner, and my dog poops between 2-4 times a day, and we have a plastic bag ready to go at all times! The grocery store provides FREE ones when you buy groceries! There is no excuse!
Yes, it’s disgusting! Yes, it’s warm and mushy and stinky! (I always make sure there are no holes in the bag first of course! If there are leaves around, I also pick those up first to protect me from any leakage!) But…SO WHAT! IT’s YOUR DOG. And if you don’t pick it up, someone else is going to experience your dog’s CRAP and it ain’t going to be pretty then either! Think about it… people have toilets, but dogs only have.. YOU!
My husband and I live in Baldwin Park in Orlando Florida. It’s a beautiful community with million dollar homes, beautiful town homes, a down town area, and unfortunately, a few selfish dog owners. We’ve spotted one young woman with two large dogs including a German Shephard, who lets the dog off the leash to play every day. We’ve approached her a few times about picking up the CRAP after her dog and her excuse is really great… “I only had one bag”. Then my husband said: “but you have TWO DOGS”. We later watched her dog walker who also didn’t pay any attention after the dogs left two enormous piles behind.
We’ve complained to the home owners association and we’ve complained to the rental offices. We are requesting that a fine be enforced for any dog owner who doesn’t clean up after their dog. We also want to have signs put up and plastic bags available so there is no excuse for “only having one bag”.
I suggest to those of us who are angry enough to do something about it to REVOLT! If the traditional way of politely asking people to clean up doesn’t work, or getting the community to add signs and bags doesn’t work, then I suggest we follow the unsuspecting dog owners home and later deliver a package that they WON”T forget!!
After all, it is theirs… and as good citizens we don’t want people to forget packages that they left behind! Once that starts happening, the people who left the packages behind will either complain to management, try to retaliate but will never find out who did it, and ultimately, know that people are watching and start cleaning up after their pets.
So watch out people! A revolt is coming and if you’re one of the few guilty people out there, we’re going to retaliate so you learn to clean up after your pet!
Just be sure and watch your step when you come out your front door!
While urban sprawl continues to expand, the actual space we have to roam freely in the woods gets smaller and smaller. Many of us still love to enjoy the outdoors and feel a certain kinship with the outdoors. We love to bring along our dogs for a romp in the park or a game of Frisbee. And then it happens! We step in an unsightly mess of.. DOG POOPY!!
Nothing stops a person in their tracks quicker than that!
I especially love it when my little boy has been in the park and tracks home this wonderful scent right into my living room floor. I can only imagine the bacteria which is being spread across American homes when they drag in the crap with them. Leave it to the mommies of America to clean up their carpets, the crusted and caked shoes, and wherever else the trail leads.
I am ANGRY about the selfish dog owners who don’t “Curb their dog”, as we say in New York! I’m a dog owner, and my dog poops between 2-4 times a day, and we have a plastic bag ready to go at all times! The grocery store provides FREE ones when you buy groceries! There is no excuse!
Yes, it’s disgusting! Yes, it’s warm and mushy and stinky! (I always make sure there are no holes in the bag first of course! If there are leaves around, I also pick those up first to protect me from any leakage!) But…SO WHAT! IT’s YOUR DOG. And if you don’t pick it up, someone else is going to experience your dog’s CRAP and it ain’t going to be pretty then either! Think about it… people have toilets, but dogs only have.. YOU!
My husband and I live in Baldwin Park in Orlando Florida. It’s a beautiful community with million dollar homes, beautiful town homes, a down town area, and unfortunately, a few selfish dog owners. We’ve spotted one young woman with two large dogs including a German Shephard, who lets the dog off the leash to play every day. We’ve approached her a few times about picking up the CRAP after her dog and her excuse is really great… “I only had one bag”. Then my husband said: “but you have TWO DOGS”. We later watched her dog walker who also didn’t pay any attention after the dogs left two enormous piles behind.
We’ve complained to the home owners association and we’ve complained to the rental offices. We are requesting that a fine be enforced for any dog owner who doesn’t clean up after their dog. We also want to have signs put up and plastic bags available so there is no excuse for “only having one bag”.
I suggest to those of us who are angry enough to do something about it to REVOLT! If the traditional way of politely asking people to clean up doesn’t work, or getting the community to add signs and bags doesn’t work, then I suggest we follow the unsuspecting dog owners home and later deliver a package that they WON”T forget!!
After all, it is theirs… and as good citizens we don’t want people to forget packages that they left behind! Once that starts happening, the people who left the packages behind will either complain to management, try to retaliate but will never find out who did it, and ultimately, know that people are watching and start cleaning up after their pets.
So watch out people! A revolt is coming and if you’re one of the few guilty people out there, we’re going to retaliate so you learn to clean up after your pet!
Just be sure and watch your step when you come out your front door!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Saying the Wrong thing at the Wrong Time
Tonight in the shower it hit me!!! Earlier in the day, I complained about the drunken college students who woke me up at 3am to my friend’s mom who is taking care of her daughter.. who just had a double mastectomy! When it hit me that I had said such a selfish thing when she is sitting in front of her daughter that now has no breasts, I thought to myself, “oh no.. she must think I’m so selfish and how could I have DONE a thing like that? Oh my gosh, how DID that happen? I’m usually so sensitive!”
I’m mortified. I feel sick that I could be so insensitive. I feel like I should do something special for her because SHE is the hero. And to top it off? She got on the phone with me to help ME!!! My mom told her today about my son’s issues and that we’re now deciding about where to put him in school next year due to the Sensory Integration Issues, and she offered to help! And again, she is taking care of her daughter who just got out of the hospital!
I reviewed how the conversation started, and how it got to that point, where I was being selfish and not asking about her and about my friend and whether there was anything I could do to help. I realized that my mom called me in an excited tone and was thrilled that my friend’s mom had some inside contacts at some of the area schools because of her lifelong career as a substitute teacher. She got on the phone with me and discussed some of the options that the county may offer us and offered to look into it for us. I threw out a “hello” to my friend who is lying in bed all bandaged up and said I’d visit soon. When her mom got on the phone, I told her I was coming down with a cold and only had 3 hours of sleep last night due to some drunken kids across the street that find it amusing to have parties at 2 and 3am. She said that she didn’t want anyone over that wasn’t 100% healthy and I agreed. Somehow, I threw in that statement about the drunk kids. Her response was, “well, everyone has something”. I agreed. I often say that to people who are complaining and there is nothing I can do about it. There was basically no point in me even saying it, except it has been on my mind today because I’m convinced I’m coming down with a cold due to the lack of sleep on top of my already stressful week!
She handled me well. We agreed to speak later and I told her that I’d visit her daughter when I got better. I’m sure she is too busy to even give it a second thought but then again, maybe she did think about it!
How many times have we looked at others and thought, “well that wasn’t that appropriate!” or, “couldn’t you have thought of SOMETHING better to say?” There are plenty of times of course! I recently thought that about a relative who recently offended me with her tirade of opinions about my life. She later called and apologized and defended her actions by saying she was on very little sleep and was completely stressed. She did realize that her opinions where not being supportive of me and she apologized. I accepted her apologies and now have experienced the same “open mouth – insert foot” syndrome!
I think I’m going to call my relative who offended me and tell her it was big of her to apologize and that I too, had possibly offended someone with my callousness. I was ALSO on little sleep and just plain didn’t have all of my brains working upstairs.
I decided that I should look at whether the offense is a regular occurrence or an isolated incident. Then, determine whether or not the offender just had an off day, or whether the person had malicious intent. If it was an isolated incident, then the offender should be forgiven and it should be forgotten.
I’m guessing that my friend’s mom has already forgiven or possibly didn’t even notice my indiscretion. And, now, I own a certain someone a call… just to catch up. But this time I’ll make sure that we’ve both had enough sleep before we talk!
I’m mortified. I feel sick that I could be so insensitive. I feel like I should do something special for her because SHE is the hero. And to top it off? She got on the phone with me to help ME!!! My mom told her today about my son’s issues and that we’re now deciding about where to put him in school next year due to the Sensory Integration Issues, and she offered to help! And again, she is taking care of her daughter who just got out of the hospital!
I reviewed how the conversation started, and how it got to that point, where I was being selfish and not asking about her and about my friend and whether there was anything I could do to help. I realized that my mom called me in an excited tone and was thrilled that my friend’s mom had some inside contacts at some of the area schools because of her lifelong career as a substitute teacher. She got on the phone with me and discussed some of the options that the county may offer us and offered to look into it for us. I threw out a “hello” to my friend who is lying in bed all bandaged up and said I’d visit soon. When her mom got on the phone, I told her I was coming down with a cold and only had 3 hours of sleep last night due to some drunken kids across the street that find it amusing to have parties at 2 and 3am. She said that she didn’t want anyone over that wasn’t 100% healthy and I agreed. Somehow, I threw in that statement about the drunk kids. Her response was, “well, everyone has something”. I agreed. I often say that to people who are complaining and there is nothing I can do about it. There was basically no point in me even saying it, except it has been on my mind today because I’m convinced I’m coming down with a cold due to the lack of sleep on top of my already stressful week!
She handled me well. We agreed to speak later and I told her that I’d visit her daughter when I got better. I’m sure she is too busy to even give it a second thought but then again, maybe she did think about it!
How many times have we looked at others and thought, “well that wasn’t that appropriate!” or, “couldn’t you have thought of SOMETHING better to say?” There are plenty of times of course! I recently thought that about a relative who recently offended me with her tirade of opinions about my life. She later called and apologized and defended her actions by saying she was on very little sleep and was completely stressed. She did realize that her opinions where not being supportive of me and she apologized. I accepted her apologies and now have experienced the same “open mouth – insert foot” syndrome!
I think I’m going to call my relative who offended me and tell her it was big of her to apologize and that I too, had possibly offended someone with my callousness. I was ALSO on little sleep and just plain didn’t have all of my brains working upstairs.
I decided that I should look at whether the offense is a regular occurrence or an isolated incident. Then, determine whether or not the offender just had an off day, or whether the person had malicious intent. If it was an isolated incident, then the offender should be forgiven and it should be forgotten.
I’m guessing that my friend’s mom has already forgiven or possibly didn’t even notice my indiscretion. And, now, I own a certain someone a call… just to catch up. But this time I’ll make sure that we’ve both had enough sleep before we talk!
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Championing the Child That Has Challenges
The world is screaming for our attention! Every single one of us has more information trying to enter our brains on any given day that at some point we have to just tune it out and say: NO! I’m full for now and I can’t take any more! I feel like that a lot, but its hard to ignore it when others show their own ignorance.
Today, I was wishing that someone at my child’s school had taken a few extra minutes before today to learn about Sensory Integration Disorder and the treatment that comes with it. Because when I entered the nurses offices with my 5 year old son, to request a bit of quiet time to “brush” him with the occupational brush; this certain “someone” asked if he had something contagious in his head.”
Oh my gosh! I was hoping against hope that my beautiful, yet challenging, son didn’t hear a word she said. I looked at her dead pan and said, ‘uh, no. This is an occupational therapy brush and it is used to help kids calm themselves.” I stared her down and didn’t smile. I just looked at her, and felt sorry for her ignorance.
I have to admit; I’ve heard of this “brushing” technique many times but hadn’t been introduced to it until this past week in occupational therapy. I’ve heard many times how brushing calms babies and children and helps them not to fidget so much.
The therapist gave me a small white brush about 2x3 in size that is made of soft plastic. She showed me how to brush the arms, legs and back of my child and it’s wild how he actually loves the feel of it. She explained to me that if it tickles him, then I need to apply more pressure. She showed me that 3 long strokes on the bottom of his feet help with the feet and when socks and shoes don’t fit or feel good on him. Then she showed me the joint compression which is pushing the joints of the elbows and wrists together, shoulders to elbows, and also the joints of the legs. My son knows that he needs to get “brushed” a lot during the next few weeks and goes along with it happily.
The clincher is that the occupational therapist told me that in order to get the optimum amount of benefit from these exercises, then I need to do it every 2 hours during waking hours. I’m now trying to get an appointment with the constantly booked counselor of the school. She’s incredibly supportive of the alternative therapies that we have chosen to do and I know this because she isn’t only dealing with us. She’s dealing with several of my friends who have challenges with their own kids.
When I meet with the counselor, I’m going to ask her to help me educate some of the staff so we’re not looked at like we’re weird or something. I think someone tried to make me feel like I was intruding on their day in the office by slipping into the nurse’s office for 3 minutes of “brushing” the skin of my son. However, I refused to succumb to her ignorance and her intolerance of me and my son. I refused to feel bad for doing something positive for my son and I refused to tip toe around her and her obvious disgust with me taking my son out of class to do something non traditional in her mind. I politely said, “thank you!” and we went and did our thing! I think I even waited for her “polite” reply when I told her to “have a great day!”
If I’m being honest, it is an incredible challenge to keep a great mental outlook when I’m being challenged as a parent like this. It’s difficult to be at the school every 2 hours for the next 3 weeks to do this therapy. I’m going to be there more than anywhere else and going to have to forego meetings and work opportunities so I can help my son. I have no way of knowing whether or not this really will help, but I’m bound and determined to find a way to help him if possible. I’m dealing with this by asking for support from my friends and family during this time and meanwhile, putting on a brave face when I face the people who find me and the whole situation odd. It’s down right difficult to champion my child when I find the whole process incredibly challenging. I’m defending his behavior and my actions instead of making excuses and apologizing. But I refuse to do that, because I don’t want to ever apologize for him being different. That is what makes him unique and special, no matter how frustrating it is. And as frustrating as he can be for me and for others, I will do whatever it takes so he can one day learn to control his own behavior. I do make him apologize to others if he acts out of turn or does or says something wrong, but I will NOT apologize when we are in the process of trying to correct the situation. Alternative therapies should be the norm in school and I’m going to keep pushing the envelope and bring every suggestion to the school and ask them to accept it. Even if they’re rolling their eyes behind my back, I’m going to educate them on what we’re attempting to do. Hopefully, I’ll pave the way for others who will also face the challenge of a child with Sensory Integration Disorder.
In the mean time, I have to find the great things he does and share them with his teachers. I have to let them know that I’m working hard with the therapists and at home to help my son deal with the issues he faces. I have to educate his teachers, the counselors and other bystanders about an issue that we deal with on a daily basis. And I have to champion my son even when I don’t feel like it.
It’s a day by day process and I’m thankful that today was better than yesterday and that tomorrow will even be better. I have to keep that faith because after all, he’s my son, and I love him; and as any mother knows, THAT fact will NEVER change.
Today, I was wishing that someone at my child’s school had taken a few extra minutes before today to learn about Sensory Integration Disorder and the treatment that comes with it. Because when I entered the nurses offices with my 5 year old son, to request a bit of quiet time to “brush” him with the occupational brush; this certain “someone” asked if he had something contagious in his head.”
Oh my gosh! I was hoping against hope that my beautiful, yet challenging, son didn’t hear a word she said. I looked at her dead pan and said, ‘uh, no. This is an occupational therapy brush and it is used to help kids calm themselves.” I stared her down and didn’t smile. I just looked at her, and felt sorry for her ignorance.
I have to admit; I’ve heard of this “brushing” technique many times but hadn’t been introduced to it until this past week in occupational therapy. I’ve heard many times how brushing calms babies and children and helps them not to fidget so much.
The therapist gave me a small white brush about 2x3 in size that is made of soft plastic. She showed me how to brush the arms, legs and back of my child and it’s wild how he actually loves the feel of it. She explained to me that if it tickles him, then I need to apply more pressure. She showed me that 3 long strokes on the bottom of his feet help with the feet and when socks and shoes don’t fit or feel good on him. Then she showed me the joint compression which is pushing the joints of the elbows and wrists together, shoulders to elbows, and also the joints of the legs. My son knows that he needs to get “brushed” a lot during the next few weeks and goes along with it happily.
The clincher is that the occupational therapist told me that in order to get the optimum amount of benefit from these exercises, then I need to do it every 2 hours during waking hours. I’m now trying to get an appointment with the constantly booked counselor of the school. She’s incredibly supportive of the alternative therapies that we have chosen to do and I know this because she isn’t only dealing with us. She’s dealing with several of my friends who have challenges with their own kids.
When I meet with the counselor, I’m going to ask her to help me educate some of the staff so we’re not looked at like we’re weird or something. I think someone tried to make me feel like I was intruding on their day in the office by slipping into the nurse’s office for 3 minutes of “brushing” the skin of my son. However, I refused to succumb to her ignorance and her intolerance of me and my son. I refused to feel bad for doing something positive for my son and I refused to tip toe around her and her obvious disgust with me taking my son out of class to do something non traditional in her mind. I politely said, “thank you!” and we went and did our thing! I think I even waited for her “polite” reply when I told her to “have a great day!”
If I’m being honest, it is an incredible challenge to keep a great mental outlook when I’m being challenged as a parent like this. It’s difficult to be at the school every 2 hours for the next 3 weeks to do this therapy. I’m going to be there more than anywhere else and going to have to forego meetings and work opportunities so I can help my son. I have no way of knowing whether or not this really will help, but I’m bound and determined to find a way to help him if possible. I’m dealing with this by asking for support from my friends and family during this time and meanwhile, putting on a brave face when I face the people who find me and the whole situation odd. It’s down right difficult to champion my child when I find the whole process incredibly challenging. I’m defending his behavior and my actions instead of making excuses and apologizing. But I refuse to do that, because I don’t want to ever apologize for him being different. That is what makes him unique and special, no matter how frustrating it is. And as frustrating as he can be for me and for others, I will do whatever it takes so he can one day learn to control his own behavior. I do make him apologize to others if he acts out of turn or does or says something wrong, but I will NOT apologize when we are in the process of trying to correct the situation. Alternative therapies should be the norm in school and I’m going to keep pushing the envelope and bring every suggestion to the school and ask them to accept it. Even if they’re rolling their eyes behind my back, I’m going to educate them on what we’re attempting to do. Hopefully, I’ll pave the way for others who will also face the challenge of a child with Sensory Integration Disorder.
In the mean time, I have to find the great things he does and share them with his teachers. I have to let them know that I’m working hard with the therapists and at home to help my son deal with the issues he faces. I have to educate his teachers, the counselors and other bystanders about an issue that we deal with on a daily basis. And I have to champion my son even when I don’t feel like it.
It’s a day by day process and I’m thankful that today was better than yesterday and that tomorrow will even be better. I have to keep that faith because after all, he’s my son, and I love him; and as any mother knows, THAT fact will NEVER change.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Parenting a Child with Sensory Integration
After suffering another incredibly stressful morning trying to get my 5 ½ year old son dressed, I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be other families who go through the same frustration every morning. Most just wouldn’t believe that we have it different than anyone else who has young kids. When I’m talking to someone about Jeremy, my stress shows but the explanation is too long so I don’t usually elaborate. Their usual answer is “sounds like a typical 5 year old”. I guess I’ve grown used to that. What is harder is to hear from other people who are trying to be helpful that we have a “discipline problem.” They offer their typical advice of how to reign a child in and get them to behave.
The fact of the matter is, is that he is NOT a typical 5 year old! Oh, Jeremy loves to play instead of work, throw rocks and finds an empty box utterly fascinating, but the day to day events of our lives, the usually mundane things, are stressful and incredibly different.
This morning was supposed to be a lot of fun. We all woke up early to take a trip to Miami to see my husband’s family. It’s a 3 day weekend so we wanted to get an early start on Saturday morning so we could enjoy the afternoon in Miami. My husband got up and made coffee, I wrapped about 6 gifts that we’re bringing and Jeremy started pulling out clothes and toys he wanted to bring.
I encouraged him to bring the clothes and toys into his room but instead more and more toys got dragged into our living room. When it was time to sit down and eat his breakfast, his favorite of ‘waffles and cream’, the battle started. Normally, a good tactic is to put a clock in front of him so he can see how much time he has. Today we didn’t do that because we were not thinking about the exact moment we had to leave like we do every day for school. That was a BAD CHOICE on my part. I should have showed him the exact time he needed to have eaten and gotten dressed by. Then we should have marched out the door. Unfortunately, we had to pack our suitcases and pack the car.
When Jeremy got to the table ate a few strawberries and milk and got up. My insistence of him sitting and eating finally got ugly after about 15 minutes. While I was running around trying to get everyone ready to go out of town; I continued to put him back in his seat and demand that he eat. I sat with him for about 5 minutes and he didn’t eat. I told him he could get a star for his chart if he ate, and got dressed. He started whining and crying so I took a star away from his chart that we’ve created. On one trip to the bedroom he started playing with a tractor. When I found him again ( I was now taking a shower) he wanted to bring the tractor to the table. I told him NO and to get back to eat. He was screaming and crying because now he wanted the tractor and then he said that “you are the only mommy in the world who is mean to me every day”. That is when I told him that if he said that one more time he would get his mouth washed out with soap. (This works wonders for those awful things that kids tend to say sometimes!) (If I could live without ever doing anything drastic like this, I would!!!)
That stopped the complaining about how “mean” I am but the whining continued. I had to finish feeding him myself in between his tears. He finally finished eating after about 45 minutes.
Next, getting him dressed was no easy feat. The first shirt I put on didn’t feel comfortable. This was a brand new pre washed long sleeve t-shirt from Osh Kosh. It’s darling, but unfortunately, new clothes rarely stay on my son. He prefers old and soft. Many of his very favorite clothes and shoes have spots and tears, but they are the only ones that I can get him to stay in. This morning was no different. I put on Gap underwear, Osh Kosh Jeans and the Osh Kosh t-shirt. After he was completely dressed, he started screaming and wailing about the shirt being too small and the pants being too big. So, off the clothes came! And it wasn’t just a calm, “mommy I’m taking off these clothes”, it was a screaming crying whining fit accompanied by throwing his clothes across the room which landed on my husband’s face as he was walking across the room. At least today he didn’t RUN when it was time to get him dressed. That is the typical scenario. He races across the room when it’s time to take off his pajamas or time to get changed any time. I can’t figure out why! I don’t know if that is his body having an automatic reaction to change, or if it’s a behavior issue. But it’s something that we want to work on in occupational therapy.
Because I already know the drill, that nothing I can say or do will make him keep clothes on when he doesn’t want to wear something, I went to the drawer and brought out the old favorites. The yellow long sleeve t-shirt with the #63 and the army looking pants that are soft and comfy. If you see Jeremy out of his school uniform, this is more than likely the outfit he’ll be in.
I think of all of the hundreds of dollars that I’ve wasted by buying clothes that don’t quite feel right. I think of the dozens of pairs of shoes that he has kicked and screamed about. I have thrown out piles of socks that just didn’t have the seam in the right place. Getting Jeremy dressed to go anywhere, is a struggle nearly every single day.
Recently, the school had a second hand sale on uniforms. I felt like I struck gold by finding the oldest shirts in the school. To me, that means, the SOFTEST and that is perfect for my kid! He is 5 years old, and he wants to wear size 12 shirts. They are big and don’t cling to him. Also, discovering the GAP undershirts has been a miracle in our lives. My friend Diane has a red head boy (I believe red heads are more sensitive) and they recommended the GAP undershirts.
I remember trying to get Jeremy dressed at age 2 was no different than now. He went to the Montessori school and because it was pre-school, they weren’t particular on the time we arrived. Many, many mornings Jeremy would fight and scream when I had to get him dressed. He would have been perfectly happy staying at home watching TV all day. He would be completely happy just doing that every day of his life. But, fortunately for him, he has two incredibly active parents who rarely ever sit around and watch TV. We have our traditional “Friday night movie night” but we don’t watch TV much during the week.
Jeremy does get to go to After Care at school if he’s had good behavior the day before. There, they run around the fields, play ball, climb on the jungle gym, have snacks and play with their friends. He loves it! I find that it’s the best place for him since he races the kids and exerts more energy there than anywhere else. The hardest part is when it’s time to go. What else? He runs away! My mom has found it completely embarrassing because he doesn’t pay attention when it’s time to come. He just continues playing and then runs to the other side of the field where he can’t even hear us yell for him.
By reading books like “The Out of Sync Child” and talking with other mom’s I’ve found a few things that work in this situation. First of all, when you get there, allow the child 5 minutes or 10 minutes to play. Tell him/her that he has 5 minutes and then it’s time to go. For Jeremy, he then gets time to transition to the next activity. And the expectation is set. Our new rule is that he is able to achieve a star for his chart at this point. If he comes immediately after the 5 minutes is up, he can get a star for that which when added up every day can determine whether or not he gets to go to after care the next day. He needs to get 5 stars a day – for getting out of bed quickly, for eating and taking his plate to the sink, for making his bed, for getting dressed (almost) by himself, brushing his teeth and hair, etc. He has the chance to earn 3 stars in the morning. Several of the above list is combined into one section for instance: putting dishes in sink and making bed = one star.
The chart system is working for us pretty well. He gets stars taken away for negative attitudes or whining. One day he ripped all of the bad and the good extra stars down. He didn’t realize he also ripped the good ones down. Jeremy can earn EXTRA stars for having excellent behavior like the day he had such a great attitude one morning. I was so pleased and so proud of him that he got to go to After Care that day even though he didn’t have enough stars the day before. The extra stars can accumulate to 20 and then he gets to go to Toys R Us to buy a toy. So far, he has only a couple of extra stars for good behavior.. and believe me.. I’m looking!
It’s hard for Jeremy’s self esteem to have these problems. He’s gotten in trouble nearly every single day at school. He’s come home many times saying, “I’m a bad kid, I’m a bad kid”, which really rips out my heart! The system of putting their “apple or acorn” in the yellow, or red basket brings a reputation of “bad behavior”. Jeremy has also had his apple on the teachers’ desk many times. If he gets bad behavior like this, they take him out of recess. They’ll take him out for 5-10 minutes or even the whole time! When I learned this, I freaked out! Jeremy NEEDS activity in order for his brain to FUNCTION correctly. By taking him out of free time outside, they’re just hurting the situation. I caused a stink about that at the school and I think they’ve made some adjustments. The school counselor is now involved and helping to guide the teachers in working with Jeremy. It’s truly been a collaborative effort.
Jeremy has also been slow to finish his work. We had him professionally evaluated and it was also discovered that he has auditory processing disorder. This doesn’t allow him to process more than one thing at a time. He can hear well, but he can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. It doesn’t allow him to hear people calling his name if he is immersed in another activity. Next summer, he’ll be doing a 10 day intensive program for auditory processing which includes 2 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. He’ll be listening to headphones which somehow reprogram his brain to hear more than one thing at a time. I am really looking forward to this time to see if we can correct some of the behavior that he has.
We’ve found a few things that can work for Jeremy in regards to his behavior at school. First of all, Jeremy is OFF of all sugar. He used to have waffles with syrup every morning and all of the sugar gave him too much energy and he was bouncing off the walls! We finally realized that sugar has adverse effects so he now gets little if any sugar in the morning. We even prefer milk over orange juice since fruit has sugar in it.
Next, Jeremy has to take time to exercise in the morning. We put a mini trampoline in our living room and he bounces a few hundred times in the morning before school. If we have time, my husband will take him out to ride his bike before school or run around the field and play Frisbee. On mornings that he doesn’t get to exercise, we do see a difference.
I’ve explained to Jeremy that sugar is “poison” to his brain. It makes him react in such a negative way where he throws fits and disobeys. I seem to automatically know when he’s had sugar! When he acts like this and I know he’s not overtired, I automatically ask if he’s had sugar!? Usually, the answer is yes and so then I require him to start bouncing on the trampoline to get the energy out.
Jeremy might also have ADHD, which is a possibility since he was a preemie and upwards of 40% of preemies have ADHD. I went to one doctor and within about 1 minute he was telling me that Jeremy had ADHD and would require medicine! That appalled my husband and I was quite put off myself. Even if Jeremy does have ADHD, we’re not going to put him on medication without trying to find every other way to manage it first. Besides occupational therapy, we’ve heard of other therapies that families have used and have had great success. Besides monitoring diet, they’ve used biofeedback and also some sort of testing of the electrodes in the body to eliminate toxins. I may have those details wrong, but we haven’t gone down that road yet. Right now, Jeremy is in Tae Kwan Do 2 times a week. There, they teach self discipline, self esteem, leadership and focus. These are all qualities that I want for Jeremy.
If anyone could have told us where we’d end up even 6 months after we started down this path, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it all at once. When we first discovered it, people came out of the woodwork to tell us their discoveries and what they went through. A friend from high school confided in me about her family situation and how they dealt with it. It was hard on her husband to imagine that their kid, coming from two “over achiever " parents, would have developmental problems. I could relate to that of course, but when she started telling me that her child couldn’t stand loud noises and would cover his ears and cry and scream, I couldn’t relate to THAT. She also told me that it’d be best for Jeremy to repeat kindergarten and at the time, it was a thought that I couldn’t bear. We’ve since determined that Jeremy will repeat kindergarten next year. Coming to that conclusion took a lot of time and was a result of visiting numerous pre schools, talking with our own principal, vice principal, other parents, his teacher and the counselor. It was our principal who encouraged us not to do anything rash. I trusted her and I kept him in school and made the decision early on to repeat next year.
Other parents of kids of SID children had other stories. One parent’s child had low motor skills and didn’t want to swing or play with other kids. That was completely OPPOSITE of Jeremy. I did meet one mom at a workshop for parents with kids of SID who is very similar to Jeremy. He’s a “crasher” and needs just as much physical stimulation as Jeremy. We laugh over the fact that we TELL our kids to jump on the couch… instead of getting off of them. So, little by little, with more reading and more talking, I found we all had one thing in common: MAJOR FRUSTRATION!
My friend from high school also had some of the same issues I was facing at home. My husband, who is a complete overachiever, couldn’t deal with the fact that it was recommended that Jeremy go on medication. He absolutely REFUSED to even consider the possibility and so this would create lots of tension. My resolve was to find a solution, whatever that was. I was dealing with the teachers and with Jeremy every day, not just in the morning or at bed time. When I took Jeremy to school, the stress stopped for my husband, but not for me or his teachers. After speaking with numerous wives, I’ve discovered that the husbands don’t believe it, or WANT to believe it. It appears that because men feel that they must be strong in every situation and must handle many obstacles in life, and that having a son that is facing problems is just too much to bear. Most of the dads of the boys with SID are in denial at first. The wives tend to have to deal with finding out what the issues are all by themselves by researching, talking and finding solutions. Many of the husbands fight the wives to the end until the wife finally convinces her mate to “just speak with an expert”. In one case I know, the father uses the excuse, “he’s just like I was” so he assumes it is okay. Meanwhile, everyone including his wife is going crazy having to deal with his child. My friend is of the mindset that if there IS help available, then she’s going to get it! In reality, many of these men are right, because the kid IS just like them… and if there would have been help for their own mothers way back when, then the moms more than likely would have taken it instead of suffering through it and of course it would have made everything easier on the child. They could have learned tactics that would have helped them manage their actions, their bodies and their behavior.
My husband finally came around when he was able to speak with the Occupational Therapist where we got Jeremy evaluated. They promised to do whatever possible to work with Jeremy to correct many of these issues. The whole topic of using medication to help Jeremy hasn’t come around for a while, but I know that my husband will be open to it if we have to do it. He’s had to deal with Jeremy while I’ve been out of town and it nearly put him over the edge.
A few times at school, Jeremy had major tantrums where he completely lost control. Even at 5 he is a very strong kid and it’s taken 2 adults to hold him back so he doesn’t run out into the street after me. He’s had to sit in the principal’s office a few times when he had these tantrums and he doesn’t like that at all. Recently, when I had to pick up Jeremy right after school and he thought he was going to aftercare it completely shook him to his core. Keeping in mind that transitions are hard for him, I knew that it would be a shock that he didn’t get to go to aftercare. He ran away crying from me and from the car. No amount of coaxing could get Jeremy in or around the car. Judy, the counselor tried to get him to come with no luck. Taylor, the 8th grader who rides to school with us in the morning couldn’t get him in the car either. Judy was concerned for his safety of course because cars were still coming in and out of the parking lot. Finally, she just came to me and told me to ignore him. Eventually, Jeremy got close to us and Judy wanted to talk with him. Jeremy refused and tried to dodge her and ran inside the car. We were both holding him down and he was kicking and screaming. She looked at me with amazement and asked, “what do you do at a moment like this?” and I said: “ I have to use physical force.” And she said: “then go for it”.
I usually warn Jeremy before I’m going to use “THE SHOULDER” as I call it. It’s a technique I got out of the book by Dr. James Dobson who wrote the best seller “Growing up Boys”. The technique works well in the store or anywhere where people are watching and spanking them would not be appropriate. It’s a quick and hard squeeze in the muscle of the shoulder. It is painful and there is no fighting back but it’s not dangerous in the least. So, I used “the shoulder” technique on him and he crumbled to the ground. At that point we could talk with him and then he got in the car. The ride home he screamed the whole time “I don’t want to take Taylor home with us”. Taylor and I did our best to ignore Jeremy and we chatted the whole way home. Later that night, Jeremy went to Taylor’s house without putting up a fight and apologized to Taylor and gave him a hug. Taylor forgave him and gave him a hug back. It was a good ending to a perfectly difficult day.
We’re really just starting on this journey to getting the help we need. I’ve discovered many successes through trial and error. I’ve found that having a chart that rewards Jeremy for his chores and responsibilities for the day motivates him better than punishment. Tae Kwan Do has been fantastic to improve his self esteem. Talking with the teacher on an almost daily basis alerting her with new research I’ve found or discoveries that have happened has really helped. Daily massages on his feet, legs, back and hands are helping the stimulation of his skin so he doesn’t freak out quite as bad when putting on socks and shoes. Teaching him to breathe himself through frustrations is an ongoing process and educating him about what to feed his body to it works correctly has helped me just as much!
Had I known what it would take to parent a child with Sensory Integration Disorder, then I would have said that I didn’t have what it took. And I probably would have been right. My stress level has been through the roof ever since I had Jeremy but in reality finding out that he had something that was actually diagnosed gave me the power back! I knew that if I educated myself, our situation would improve and indeed it has.
I’m now able to understand that I need to implement complete structure in order for him to function at his best. That structure does include plenty of free or down time, but when it’s time to do something or go some where, I put on my “drill sergeant” hat to get him to perform. It goes against my nature to be that firm, but I’ve learned that in order for our family to function, then I have to do what I have to do.
Please feel free to share your stories with me or to reach out for support. Perhaps if several of us can reach out to others to help, then others will be able to educate their spouses, their teachers and their friends.
Letters from other mom(s) -names have been changed
Hi my name is Lynn and I have a very beautiful little boy named Jason.(He looks like the little blonde boy from Jerry Maguire). My son has had developmental, speech and language delays. He is in a special day class for pre-school and he has what I feel are severe behavior problems. He will be 5 this April. I can understand his speech only 50% of the time and that is an improvement. I think he may have SID but, the O.T. I took him to said he does not have that but has mild sensory problems. He doesn't like his hair washed or combed. Doesn't like to wear shoes and socks. I cant take him anywhere out in public alone because I have a baby and 7 yr. old to watch over. Jared is like a land mine and the whole family has to walk on egg shells or the land mine explodes. When he is angry I have to restrain him no matter where I am. He spits, hits, and bites. I have several bruises on my body and 2 bite marks. He bangs his head into the wall repeatedly and has put holes in our walls with his head. He pulls at his eyelashes, scrapes the inside of his mouth and draws blood and bites his own hands. He is very strong but yet he falls a lot and doesn't stop himself. His tantrums last for an hour and they are awful. Like you, I too have ignored people when they say,"that's typical for his age, my kids throw tantrums too". Every little thing is a huge ordeal and it makes life difficult. Do you have any suggestions? We had a behavior analyst work with him to no avail. I just don't know what to do. We have been trying to get him diagnosed and help since he was 2.
Sincerley,
Lisa
Dear Lisa!
Thank you so much for writing!!! My heart goes out to you and I completely understand what a frustration it is to live with a child like this.
First of all.. you’re on the right track. Forever I’d talk with doctors and they’d say.. oh.. he’s normal. He looks fine to me.. but they didn’t have to live with my boy!!!
Where do you live? It sounds like your boy has similar issues to my boy. I’d do a few things.. I’d buy the Book, The Out of Sync Child. I’d get the work book that goes with it too. Then.. I’d get him evaluated professionally… we payed a few hundred $ for that.. but you can do it thru the school system. I went to a separate place that worked with kids with SID. Even tho one person “evalutated” him.. that’s not good enough. They asked ME what his behavior was like.. FIRST.. and we worked from that. It sounds like you need a different OT specialist. Your kid is NOT normal.. but the thing is.. is that he’s MISERABLE.. and HE CAN”T help it!!!
The brushing has worked WONDERS for us.. AMAZING difference!!! It’s a small light brush and you stoke up and down the legs arms and back and the feet. Every day.. morning and night.. it feels like a massage.. also a massage with lotion was really good too.. Jeremy loved that.
We also pray.. a lot!!! I’m sure you do too..b/c you can get so desperate!!! I sure did.
The occupational therapist has been giving me suggestions every week.. the biting thing.. she gave me the suggestion of sugar free gum.. THIS WORKS.. and also something to chew on .. he needs to bite.. so give him something to bite on. He needs a trampoline to jump on .. and to jump on the couches .. all the time. Take him off of all sugar and use sugar free bubble gum as a reward for doing things.. like good behavior.. then start a chart system that names everything like making bed, getting shoes, socks on by self, brushing teeth.. if he gets 5 stars a day.. give him a reward.
Exercise your kid AS much as possible!! WE got Jeremy in Tae kwan do and that is helping a ton. I told him he will be a life long athlete.. and days that he won’t get dressed.. I drag him in an hour late.. I don’t care.. HE IS GOING TO HIS SPORT. I push him now.. b/c I know he NEEDS it. He’s learning NOT to eat red dye, chemicals in his food.. and loves spinach b/c of Popeye..
It’s a slow progression.. but you’ll start seeing the changes if you do some of these things. I had my husband leave the house for a few days while I implemented these changes b/c there were holy wars going on and it was stressful for all of us but that was what made the difference. Complete structure.. I put the clock in front of him so he knows how long he can eat.. etc.. I’m firm.. but not brutal b/c he knows the rules..
I hope this helps Lisa! God bless you and FIND a NEW occupational therapist who can HELP! Warmly, Mary
The fact of the matter is, is that he is NOT a typical 5 year old! Oh, Jeremy loves to play instead of work, throw rocks and finds an empty box utterly fascinating, but the day to day events of our lives, the usually mundane things, are stressful and incredibly different.
This morning was supposed to be a lot of fun. We all woke up early to take a trip to Miami to see my husband’s family. It’s a 3 day weekend so we wanted to get an early start on Saturday morning so we could enjoy the afternoon in Miami. My husband got up and made coffee, I wrapped about 6 gifts that we’re bringing and Jeremy started pulling out clothes and toys he wanted to bring.
I encouraged him to bring the clothes and toys into his room but instead more and more toys got dragged into our living room. When it was time to sit down and eat his breakfast, his favorite of ‘waffles and cream’, the battle started. Normally, a good tactic is to put a clock in front of him so he can see how much time he has. Today we didn’t do that because we were not thinking about the exact moment we had to leave like we do every day for school. That was a BAD CHOICE on my part. I should have showed him the exact time he needed to have eaten and gotten dressed by. Then we should have marched out the door. Unfortunately, we had to pack our suitcases and pack the car.
When Jeremy got to the table ate a few strawberries and milk and got up. My insistence of him sitting and eating finally got ugly after about 15 minutes. While I was running around trying to get everyone ready to go out of town; I continued to put him back in his seat and demand that he eat. I sat with him for about 5 minutes and he didn’t eat. I told him he could get a star for his chart if he ate, and got dressed. He started whining and crying so I took a star away from his chart that we’ve created. On one trip to the bedroom he started playing with a tractor. When I found him again ( I was now taking a shower) he wanted to bring the tractor to the table. I told him NO and to get back to eat. He was screaming and crying because now he wanted the tractor and then he said that “you are the only mommy in the world who is mean to me every day”. That is when I told him that if he said that one more time he would get his mouth washed out with soap. (This works wonders for those awful things that kids tend to say sometimes!) (If I could live without ever doing anything drastic like this, I would!!!)
That stopped the complaining about how “mean” I am but the whining continued. I had to finish feeding him myself in between his tears. He finally finished eating after about 45 minutes.
Next, getting him dressed was no easy feat. The first shirt I put on didn’t feel comfortable. This was a brand new pre washed long sleeve t-shirt from Osh Kosh. It’s darling, but unfortunately, new clothes rarely stay on my son. He prefers old and soft. Many of his very favorite clothes and shoes have spots and tears, but they are the only ones that I can get him to stay in. This morning was no different. I put on Gap underwear, Osh Kosh Jeans and the Osh Kosh t-shirt. After he was completely dressed, he started screaming and wailing about the shirt being too small and the pants being too big. So, off the clothes came! And it wasn’t just a calm, “mommy I’m taking off these clothes”, it was a screaming crying whining fit accompanied by throwing his clothes across the room which landed on my husband’s face as he was walking across the room. At least today he didn’t RUN when it was time to get him dressed. That is the typical scenario. He races across the room when it’s time to take off his pajamas or time to get changed any time. I can’t figure out why! I don’t know if that is his body having an automatic reaction to change, or if it’s a behavior issue. But it’s something that we want to work on in occupational therapy.
Because I already know the drill, that nothing I can say or do will make him keep clothes on when he doesn’t want to wear something, I went to the drawer and brought out the old favorites. The yellow long sleeve t-shirt with the #63 and the army looking pants that are soft and comfy. If you see Jeremy out of his school uniform, this is more than likely the outfit he’ll be in.
I think of all of the hundreds of dollars that I’ve wasted by buying clothes that don’t quite feel right. I think of the dozens of pairs of shoes that he has kicked and screamed about. I have thrown out piles of socks that just didn’t have the seam in the right place. Getting Jeremy dressed to go anywhere, is a struggle nearly every single day.
Recently, the school had a second hand sale on uniforms. I felt like I struck gold by finding the oldest shirts in the school. To me, that means, the SOFTEST and that is perfect for my kid! He is 5 years old, and he wants to wear size 12 shirts. They are big and don’t cling to him. Also, discovering the GAP undershirts has been a miracle in our lives. My friend Diane has a red head boy (I believe red heads are more sensitive) and they recommended the GAP undershirts.
I remember trying to get Jeremy dressed at age 2 was no different than now. He went to the Montessori school and because it was pre-school, they weren’t particular on the time we arrived. Many, many mornings Jeremy would fight and scream when I had to get him dressed. He would have been perfectly happy staying at home watching TV all day. He would be completely happy just doing that every day of his life. But, fortunately for him, he has two incredibly active parents who rarely ever sit around and watch TV. We have our traditional “Friday night movie night” but we don’t watch TV much during the week.
Jeremy does get to go to After Care at school if he’s had good behavior the day before. There, they run around the fields, play ball, climb on the jungle gym, have snacks and play with their friends. He loves it! I find that it’s the best place for him since he races the kids and exerts more energy there than anywhere else. The hardest part is when it’s time to go. What else? He runs away! My mom has found it completely embarrassing because he doesn’t pay attention when it’s time to come. He just continues playing and then runs to the other side of the field where he can’t even hear us yell for him.
By reading books like “The Out of Sync Child” and talking with other mom’s I’ve found a few things that work in this situation. First of all, when you get there, allow the child 5 minutes or 10 minutes to play. Tell him/her that he has 5 minutes and then it’s time to go. For Jeremy, he then gets time to transition to the next activity. And the expectation is set. Our new rule is that he is able to achieve a star for his chart at this point. If he comes immediately after the 5 minutes is up, he can get a star for that which when added up every day can determine whether or not he gets to go to after care the next day. He needs to get 5 stars a day – for getting out of bed quickly, for eating and taking his plate to the sink, for making his bed, for getting dressed (almost) by himself, brushing his teeth and hair, etc. He has the chance to earn 3 stars in the morning. Several of the above list is combined into one section for instance: putting dishes in sink and making bed = one star.
The chart system is working for us pretty well. He gets stars taken away for negative attitudes or whining. One day he ripped all of the bad and the good extra stars down. He didn’t realize he also ripped the good ones down. Jeremy can earn EXTRA stars for having excellent behavior like the day he had such a great attitude one morning. I was so pleased and so proud of him that he got to go to After Care that day even though he didn’t have enough stars the day before. The extra stars can accumulate to 20 and then he gets to go to Toys R Us to buy a toy. So far, he has only a couple of extra stars for good behavior.. and believe me.. I’m looking!
It’s hard for Jeremy’s self esteem to have these problems. He’s gotten in trouble nearly every single day at school. He’s come home many times saying, “I’m a bad kid, I’m a bad kid”, which really rips out my heart! The system of putting their “apple or acorn” in the yellow, or red basket brings a reputation of “bad behavior”. Jeremy has also had his apple on the teachers’ desk many times. If he gets bad behavior like this, they take him out of recess. They’ll take him out for 5-10 minutes or even the whole time! When I learned this, I freaked out! Jeremy NEEDS activity in order for his brain to FUNCTION correctly. By taking him out of free time outside, they’re just hurting the situation. I caused a stink about that at the school and I think they’ve made some adjustments. The school counselor is now involved and helping to guide the teachers in working with Jeremy. It’s truly been a collaborative effort.
Jeremy has also been slow to finish his work. We had him professionally evaluated and it was also discovered that he has auditory processing disorder. This doesn’t allow him to process more than one thing at a time. He can hear well, but he can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. It doesn’t allow him to hear people calling his name if he is immersed in another activity. Next summer, he’ll be doing a 10 day intensive program for auditory processing which includes 2 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. He’ll be listening to headphones which somehow reprogram his brain to hear more than one thing at a time. I am really looking forward to this time to see if we can correct some of the behavior that he has.
We’ve found a few things that can work for Jeremy in regards to his behavior at school. First of all, Jeremy is OFF of all sugar. He used to have waffles with syrup every morning and all of the sugar gave him too much energy and he was bouncing off the walls! We finally realized that sugar has adverse effects so he now gets little if any sugar in the morning. We even prefer milk over orange juice since fruit has sugar in it.
Next, Jeremy has to take time to exercise in the morning. We put a mini trampoline in our living room and he bounces a few hundred times in the morning before school. If we have time, my husband will take him out to ride his bike before school or run around the field and play Frisbee. On mornings that he doesn’t get to exercise, we do see a difference.
I’ve explained to Jeremy that sugar is “poison” to his brain. It makes him react in such a negative way where he throws fits and disobeys. I seem to automatically know when he’s had sugar! When he acts like this and I know he’s not overtired, I automatically ask if he’s had sugar!? Usually, the answer is yes and so then I require him to start bouncing on the trampoline to get the energy out.
Jeremy might also have ADHD, which is a possibility since he was a preemie and upwards of 40% of preemies have ADHD. I went to one doctor and within about 1 minute he was telling me that Jeremy had ADHD and would require medicine! That appalled my husband and I was quite put off myself. Even if Jeremy does have ADHD, we’re not going to put him on medication without trying to find every other way to manage it first. Besides occupational therapy, we’ve heard of other therapies that families have used and have had great success. Besides monitoring diet, they’ve used biofeedback and also some sort of testing of the electrodes in the body to eliminate toxins. I may have those details wrong, but we haven’t gone down that road yet. Right now, Jeremy is in Tae Kwan Do 2 times a week. There, they teach self discipline, self esteem, leadership and focus. These are all qualities that I want for Jeremy.
If anyone could have told us where we’d end up even 6 months after we started down this path, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it all at once. When we first discovered it, people came out of the woodwork to tell us their discoveries and what they went through. A friend from high school confided in me about her family situation and how they dealt with it. It was hard on her husband to imagine that their kid, coming from two “over achiever " parents, would have developmental problems. I could relate to that of course, but when she started telling me that her child couldn’t stand loud noises and would cover his ears and cry and scream, I couldn’t relate to THAT. She also told me that it’d be best for Jeremy to repeat kindergarten and at the time, it was a thought that I couldn’t bear. We’ve since determined that Jeremy will repeat kindergarten next year. Coming to that conclusion took a lot of time and was a result of visiting numerous pre schools, talking with our own principal, vice principal, other parents, his teacher and the counselor. It was our principal who encouraged us not to do anything rash. I trusted her and I kept him in school and made the decision early on to repeat next year.
Other parents of kids of SID children had other stories. One parent’s child had low motor skills and didn’t want to swing or play with other kids. That was completely OPPOSITE of Jeremy. I did meet one mom at a workshop for parents with kids of SID who is very similar to Jeremy. He’s a “crasher” and needs just as much physical stimulation as Jeremy. We laugh over the fact that we TELL our kids to jump on the couch… instead of getting off of them. So, little by little, with more reading and more talking, I found we all had one thing in common: MAJOR FRUSTRATION!
My friend from high school also had some of the same issues I was facing at home. My husband, who is a complete overachiever, couldn’t deal with the fact that it was recommended that Jeremy go on medication. He absolutely REFUSED to even consider the possibility and so this would create lots of tension. My resolve was to find a solution, whatever that was. I was dealing with the teachers and with Jeremy every day, not just in the morning or at bed time. When I took Jeremy to school, the stress stopped for my husband, but not for me or his teachers. After speaking with numerous wives, I’ve discovered that the husbands don’t believe it, or WANT to believe it. It appears that because men feel that they must be strong in every situation and must handle many obstacles in life, and that having a son that is facing problems is just too much to bear. Most of the dads of the boys with SID are in denial at first. The wives tend to have to deal with finding out what the issues are all by themselves by researching, talking and finding solutions. Many of the husbands fight the wives to the end until the wife finally convinces her mate to “just speak with an expert”. In one case I know, the father uses the excuse, “he’s just like I was” so he assumes it is okay. Meanwhile, everyone including his wife is going crazy having to deal with his child. My friend is of the mindset that if there IS help available, then she’s going to get it! In reality, many of these men are right, because the kid IS just like them… and if there would have been help for their own mothers way back when, then the moms more than likely would have taken it instead of suffering through it and of course it would have made everything easier on the child. They could have learned tactics that would have helped them manage their actions, their bodies and their behavior.
My husband finally came around when he was able to speak with the Occupational Therapist where we got Jeremy evaluated. They promised to do whatever possible to work with Jeremy to correct many of these issues. The whole topic of using medication to help Jeremy hasn’t come around for a while, but I know that my husband will be open to it if we have to do it. He’s had to deal with Jeremy while I’ve been out of town and it nearly put him over the edge.
A few times at school, Jeremy had major tantrums where he completely lost control. Even at 5 he is a very strong kid and it’s taken 2 adults to hold him back so he doesn’t run out into the street after me. He’s had to sit in the principal’s office a few times when he had these tantrums and he doesn’t like that at all. Recently, when I had to pick up Jeremy right after school and he thought he was going to aftercare it completely shook him to his core. Keeping in mind that transitions are hard for him, I knew that it would be a shock that he didn’t get to go to aftercare. He ran away crying from me and from the car. No amount of coaxing could get Jeremy in or around the car. Judy, the counselor tried to get him to come with no luck. Taylor, the 8th grader who rides to school with us in the morning couldn’t get him in the car either. Judy was concerned for his safety of course because cars were still coming in and out of the parking lot. Finally, she just came to me and told me to ignore him. Eventually, Jeremy got close to us and Judy wanted to talk with him. Jeremy refused and tried to dodge her and ran inside the car. We were both holding him down and he was kicking and screaming. She looked at me with amazement and asked, “what do you do at a moment like this?” and I said: “ I have to use physical force.” And she said: “then go for it”.
I usually warn Jeremy before I’m going to use “THE SHOULDER” as I call it. It’s a technique I got out of the book by Dr. James Dobson who wrote the best seller “Growing up Boys”. The technique works well in the store or anywhere where people are watching and spanking them would not be appropriate. It’s a quick and hard squeeze in the muscle of the shoulder. It is painful and there is no fighting back but it’s not dangerous in the least. So, I used “the shoulder” technique on him and he crumbled to the ground. At that point we could talk with him and then he got in the car. The ride home he screamed the whole time “I don’t want to take Taylor home with us”. Taylor and I did our best to ignore Jeremy and we chatted the whole way home. Later that night, Jeremy went to Taylor’s house without putting up a fight and apologized to Taylor and gave him a hug. Taylor forgave him and gave him a hug back. It was a good ending to a perfectly difficult day.
We’re really just starting on this journey to getting the help we need. I’ve discovered many successes through trial and error. I’ve found that having a chart that rewards Jeremy for his chores and responsibilities for the day motivates him better than punishment. Tae Kwan Do has been fantastic to improve his self esteem. Talking with the teacher on an almost daily basis alerting her with new research I’ve found or discoveries that have happened has really helped. Daily massages on his feet, legs, back and hands are helping the stimulation of his skin so he doesn’t freak out quite as bad when putting on socks and shoes. Teaching him to breathe himself through frustrations is an ongoing process and educating him about what to feed his body to it works correctly has helped me just as much!
Had I known what it would take to parent a child with Sensory Integration Disorder, then I would have said that I didn’t have what it took. And I probably would have been right. My stress level has been through the roof ever since I had Jeremy but in reality finding out that he had something that was actually diagnosed gave me the power back! I knew that if I educated myself, our situation would improve and indeed it has.
I’m now able to understand that I need to implement complete structure in order for him to function at his best. That structure does include plenty of free or down time, but when it’s time to do something or go some where, I put on my “drill sergeant” hat to get him to perform. It goes against my nature to be that firm, but I’ve learned that in order for our family to function, then I have to do what I have to do.
Please feel free to share your stories with me or to reach out for support. Perhaps if several of us can reach out to others to help, then others will be able to educate their spouses, their teachers and their friends.
Letters from other mom(s) -names have been changed
Hi my name is Lynn and I have a very beautiful little boy named Jason.(He looks like the little blonde boy from Jerry Maguire). My son has had developmental, speech and language delays. He is in a special day class for pre-school and he has what I feel are severe behavior problems. He will be 5 this April. I can understand his speech only 50% of the time and that is an improvement. I think he may have SID but, the O.T. I took him to said he does not have that but has mild sensory problems. He doesn't like his hair washed or combed. Doesn't like to wear shoes and socks. I cant take him anywhere out in public alone because I have a baby and 7 yr. old to watch over. Jared is like a land mine and the whole family has to walk on egg shells or the land mine explodes. When he is angry I have to restrain him no matter where I am. He spits, hits, and bites. I have several bruises on my body and 2 bite marks. He bangs his head into the wall repeatedly and has put holes in our walls with his head. He pulls at his eyelashes, scrapes the inside of his mouth and draws blood and bites his own hands. He is very strong but yet he falls a lot and doesn't stop himself. His tantrums last for an hour and they are awful. Like you, I too have ignored people when they say,"that's typical for his age, my kids throw tantrums too". Every little thing is a huge ordeal and it makes life difficult. Do you have any suggestions? We had a behavior analyst work with him to no avail. I just don't know what to do. We have been trying to get him diagnosed and help since he was 2.
Sincerley,
Lisa
Dear Lisa!
Thank you so much for writing!!! My heart goes out to you and I completely understand what a frustration it is to live with a child like this.
First of all.. you’re on the right track. Forever I’d talk with doctors and they’d say.. oh.. he’s normal. He looks fine to me.. but they didn’t have to live with my boy!!!
Where do you live? It sounds like your boy has similar issues to my boy. I’d do a few things.. I’d buy the Book, The Out of Sync Child. I’d get the work book that goes with it too. Then.. I’d get him evaluated professionally… we payed a few hundred $ for that.. but you can do it thru the school system. I went to a separate place that worked with kids with SID. Even tho one person “evalutated” him.. that’s not good enough. They asked ME what his behavior was like.. FIRST.. and we worked from that. It sounds like you need a different OT specialist. Your kid is NOT normal.. but the thing is.. is that he’s MISERABLE.. and HE CAN”T help it!!!
The brushing has worked WONDERS for us.. AMAZING difference!!! It’s a small light brush and you stoke up and down the legs arms and back and the feet. Every day.. morning and night.. it feels like a massage.. also a massage with lotion was really good too.. Jeremy loved that.
We also pray.. a lot!!! I’m sure you do too..b/c you can get so desperate!!! I sure did.
The occupational therapist has been giving me suggestions every week.. the biting thing.. she gave me the suggestion of sugar free gum.. THIS WORKS.. and also something to chew on .. he needs to bite.. so give him something to bite on. He needs a trampoline to jump on .. and to jump on the couches .. all the time. Take him off of all sugar and use sugar free bubble gum as a reward for doing things.. like good behavior.. then start a chart system that names everything like making bed, getting shoes, socks on by self, brushing teeth.. if he gets 5 stars a day.. give him a reward.
Exercise your kid AS much as possible!! WE got Jeremy in Tae kwan do and that is helping a ton. I told him he will be a life long athlete.. and days that he won’t get dressed.. I drag him in an hour late.. I don’t care.. HE IS GOING TO HIS SPORT. I push him now.. b/c I know he NEEDS it. He’s learning NOT to eat red dye, chemicals in his food.. and loves spinach b/c of Popeye..
It’s a slow progression.. but you’ll start seeing the changes if you do some of these things. I had my husband leave the house for a few days while I implemented these changes b/c there were holy wars going on and it was stressful for all of us but that was what made the difference. Complete structure.. I put the clock in front of him so he knows how long he can eat.. etc.. I’m firm.. but not brutal b/c he knows the rules..
I hope this helps Lisa! God bless you and FIND a NEW occupational therapist who can HELP! Warmly, Mary
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