Forgiving yourself is often the Hardest

Today I flubbed up. Oh, it could have been anything… saying something mean, something unintentional, or doing something or not doing something. The bottom line is that I felt horrible afterwards. And even now, at the end of the day, when I’d like to be recapping my day in my journal with a nice glass of tea and happy with how the day went, instead I still feel awful.

What has gone on inside my head is the worst! I’m mentally beating myself up over this thing I said and can’t seem to shake it. Luckily, tonight I was completely aware that what I was feeling was NOT logical, and so I didn’t let it interfere with my relationships with my family. On days where I’m NOT “processing” the reason for my being upset, I’d likely snap at my child or my husband. Then, I’d possibly have a glass of wine to help me numb my feelings or I’d flip on the TV so I could mentally drop off the face of the earth and slip into the fantasy world on the “boob tube”.

But, tonight I forced myself to admit my mistake and have now written an apology note to the person that I said this to and will deliver it tomorrow. Just writing this note has allowed me to accept my mistake and it helped to release some of the mental anguish I was feeling.

I believe that all of us must go through these human emotions at times. We have to admit that we’re not all that pretty on the insides all of the time, regardless of how great we may or may not look on the outside. We may fool a lot of the people some of the time, but we’re not going to fool all of the people all of the time.

Mostly, it’s our family who sees us at our worst. They’re the ones who see us not being able to “hold it all together” all of the time. They’re the ones who bear the brunt of our mental or emotional lapses of judgment. And they are the ones who often get treated the worst. I’ve heard it said that “we should treat our friends like family and our family like friends”… meaning, save the best for the people you love the most. This could also include anyone who knows us well, and for some of us, that means the people we work with on a daily basis. I learned that sometimes saying nothing is better than saying anything at all. I knew that already but I learned the lesson again today.

Writing about this incident is also proving to be helpful. I know that often we internalize our negativity about ourselves and then punish ourselves by over eating, over drinking or by self sabotaging in another way. Perhaps if we learn to stop ourselves FIRST before reaching for that glass of wine or that extra piece of candy, and write about what we’re feeling, we may save ourselves even MORE negativity when we step on the scale in the morning!!!! (“I weigh WHAT???? How did THAT happen????”)

I’m glad I took the time to write this. I also requested and RECEIVED a shoulder massage from my husband (who happened to be walking behind my desk) and that certainly relaxed my muscles. If I had the time and energy, I might head to the gym for a work out or a swim to get rid of the tension that built up in my body over this lapse of judgment today. So tonight, I’ve asked God for forgiveness. I’ve asked the person for forgiveness and now, finally, I have forgiven myself. And now, I’m ready to have my cup of tea and to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening!