Florida: Before the Storm

Central Florida is preparing for a hurricane. The stores have stocked up on water and the newscasts are updating their weather reports every hour. It’s a nerve wracking time for a newbie so I thought I’d jot down a few observations.

I moved back to Central Florida last year after being away for 20 years. We haven’t had any hurricanes as of yet but it seems that we are facing the possibility of one now.

Preparing for a hurricane is like getting ready for a crazy aunt that is going to visit. You have to get special food, and set your house up just right so she doesn’t inconvenience anyone. You have to get the yard fixed, extra food and do all of the laundry just in case you’re busy entertaining and can’t do any when she comes.

The attitude of our neighbors greatly differs depending upon who you speak with at that moment. When I was in a local news station the other day, there was buzz of the impending storm and with any “news” that might hit at any moment, the whole newsroom is thrown into an unusual amount of chaotic activity. Let me just say, if you aren’t an adrenaline junkie, then you shouldn’t work in a newsroom. They thrive on intense situations and all seem to be cool under pressure. That’s when they’re at their best.

As for me, the new gal in town, when I heard about the storm, I dropped everything and headed to the store. I stopped to ask my neighbor if she needed anything and she nonchalantly mentioned that they had plenty of everything and didn’t need anything. When I’ve talked about hurricane’s before, I’ve heard that our neighborhood gets together for hurricane parties and has a ball. The neighbors across the street own an electrical company so they provide anyone in the neighborhood with power if they have an extension cord that is long enough. It relieves the stress about having no air conditioned during the tropical heat that the fall season brings.

When I got to Walmart, I didn’t feel the electricity that you sometimes feel before some tragedy, or massive event. I did see lots of people possibly getting ready for the storm and lots of them were buying water and paper products and canned goods, but there was plenty of regular shopping going on too. One gentleman casually asked if I was preparing for the hurricane. It didn’t seem to be a surprise to know that I was “new” in town. I guess I had more of that look of, “I’m going to fight this thing come hell or high water.” Generally, most of the others who have probably lived here longer than me, weren’t as worked up about it.

My own mother admitted that she’s praying that no one gets hit this year. She’s painfully aware of what hardships they went through a few years ago during the summer of 2004 when they were hit back to back to back. They went without electricity for over a week and she doesn’t want a repeat of that.

I spoke with my good friend Debbie Benton who left Central Florida recently to go back home to New Orleans after they lost their home last year and she said that they’re all feeling that one hurricane could just send them all over the edge mentally. I’m sure many of them are praying like crazy too. Come to think of it, if all of us pray that we all get a break this year, perhaps that extra focus on keeping us all out of harms’ way will encourage the Good Lord to spare us all this year.

Hurricane season isn’t the most fun but our life here is pretty glam outside of the pending weather. Florida is destined to become the third most populated state in the next 10 years and I certainly see the attraction. It’s got great weather 11 months out of the year, beautiful beaches, a laid back attitude and even decent shopping.

So this week, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Even though the natives are used to these alerts, I think they’d rather not have the visitor this year. Three crazy aunts that visited a few years ago are about three too many!

Performers Regret

Tonight I watched a documentary on Jerry Sienfeld by Jerry Sienfeld. It was an inside look at the inner turmoil of a comedian. It documented the struggles of the comedians to write new material, keep it fresh, try it on audiences and then to perform in a one hour + show. It was cool to see Jerry forget his line or his joke and freeze on stage. It was insightful to see the other comedians give him advice or commiserate with him over his feeling that he didn’t quite have it any more. He wasn’t in the flow of the material much of the time and it was such a relief to hear them admit that to one another. He was admitting how long it took to get the gig right, and to make it look easy.

In the TV news field, people rarely have a bad day. They’re always perfect and say everything correctly. They have perfect make up and have memorized their lines and after they’re through, go on to their perfect lives. Okay, I’m just joking! I know it’s not true, but it’s rare to hear a talent admit to anyone that they were off or not exactly “on” that particular day so my own doubts about my performance don’t find a voice.

This week I appeared on one of the local TV stations commenting on the recent story of whether working women make lousy wives. I was excited about the topic because of course I have lots to say about it. I could extemporaneously speak about this topic for an hour and still be excited to express my wealth of wisdom on this topic I know so well. (YES.. sometimes we DO make lousy wives… but not all the time, and most of the time, we’re working hard to please everyone!)

During the newscast, I was squashed in between a plane crash, some local crime buzz, and some other hard news stories. I’m used to getting about 3-4 minutes on a news segment and forgot to ask before I went on the air. So without me knowing what hit me, my segment was over in about a minute thirty, and I was DONE. OFF the air. Finished. Caput. Gone. Adios. You get the picture. The anchor ran back to the news desk, with my jaw hanging down to the ground.

Okay, I’m being a bit over dramatic. I was fine…. for a minute. But after I regained my bearings, I realized that I had just bombed the segment! I was ticked at myself and angry that I didn’t say more brilliant tips on how to survive a current marriage. I was horrified that I didn’t give the advice about making the time people have with their kids’ quality instead of quantity. I was upset I didn’t dazzle the anchor, and have her tell me that she’d love to get together with me to chat sometime, like they often do. Not today. As soon as we closed the segment she was gone in a flash, and I left thinking that I bombed.

A bit paranoid you say? Perhaps I am, but at this point, I’ve done enough TV segments to know when I hit a home run and know when I’m average and know when I stink. I didn’t stink today, but I just floated above average today. My hair and makeup checked out fine (according to my mother who loves me no matter what I do and who called 19 of her friends and told them to watch), and the segment did manage to look like we were having a friendly chat, but I didn’t pull off the goal of the segment, which was to offer solid tips for the viewers. The anchor who was the consummate professional, was lively on the air and acted like I offered some great wisdom.

Needless to say, this inner turmoil that I now feel will feed me to better prepare and practice for my next time on the air. I’ll get the call inviting me to be on the air. Then I’ll write an article on the topic that they request, probably a few hours before show time. Rush to get dressed, but this time, show up with my 3 main points drilled into my head, ready to spew out of my mouth regardless of what she asks me. I probably won’t have much time to prepare, just like today, so I’ll know if I get the 3 points out, I was successful.

Jerry Sienfeld gave me confidence today. He gave me the confidence to admit when it’s not in the flow and when it doesn’t quite work. He gave me the strength to keep working hard until the segments are all hit out of the park. He also gave me the motivation that even if a performer regrets the segment they just did, there is always another show tomorrow and the day after. The key is to never give up, always keep trying, and go easy on yourself when you feel you bombed. Even the best performers have off days.

So I learned? No more regrets! Thanks Jerry!

Tell People You Love Them

Have you ever met a person who knows exactly what to say at the right time? He or she is the type that always makes you feel good, respected and loved. It’s the rare individual who has learned that this simple quality is one of the most important ones to develop good relationships with others.

Today at church my husband was speaking to a guy we know and like from Boy scouts. This guy has a few kids and is one of those easy going and funny individuals that always makes you feel good to be around. The first thing he said to me was that he loved my new hair cut and that I looked “beautiful”.

And then he told me that he was just telling my husband how lucky our community was to have him around and that he really loved us.

Imagine how we felt? Oh my gosh, we were just in awe that this guy who we really enjoy but don’t know all that well, took the time to make us feel good ourselves, needed and loved. And of course since this is the type of guy who always strives to make everyone feel good, he’s a very popular guy and people want to be around him.

So why don’t we all do that to one another? Certainly there are people that we see in our every day lives that we admire and respect. There are individuals who have that sunny outlook on life and are always upbeat and fun to be around. Are we telling them? Could we do better at that? What could it hurt after all? And if we have the opportunity to make someone feel good, should do it?

I learned a valuable lesson today. It’s that each one of us want to feel connected and important for who we are, not just for what we do or what we look like or for the money we make. We want our lives to count and to matter, to others and to the community at whole.

I was given a gift today by a valued member of our community and now it’s my responsibility to pass that gift along to someone else. Perhaps at the store today I’ll tell the cashier that she’s doing a good job. Or I’ll wave to a neighbor or compliment them on their nice yard. Or, I’ll tell a child that he is talented at the scooter or the hula hoop!

We can all have immediate impact on those around us. We can make or break their days, just based on whether we are looking for the good in others, or just looking at the obvious and complaining about that. We have a choice. That choice can and does effect others in a positive or negative way.

So when we start our day, ask yourself, “How can I make others feel good about who they are today?” If we keep that message in the forefront of our thoughts, good relationships will be developed with others. In return, people will always want to have you around.

If you tell them you love them.

Do Working Women Make Lousy Wives?

The recent controversy that was recently posted on Forbes.com between Michael Nor, the editor and his associate Elizabeth Corcoran about whether or not working women make lousy wives is the same controversy that working women versus stay at home mom’s have been fighting over for the past 30 years. People dramatically defend their positions based on their own personal point of view, regardless of the statistics that support theirs or their opponent’s side.

Let’s take a look at the so called facts according to the article by Michael Nor:

If you marry a working woman:

Working women are more likely to get divorced, and less likely to have children
If they do have children, statistics show that they’re more likely to be unhappy about it

But, let’s also look at the facts:
They still carry the majority child rearing duties
The average woman does 7-9 loads of laundry a week and are carrying the majority of the housework and still are working the same average of working dads at 7 hours and 50 minutes.
These numbers change when the couple has small kids.


On the flip side:
Non working women aren’t as happy according to the polls
Don’t have as much in common with their husbands as the young ladies at the office do
Working women aren’t controlled by their husbands because they have more freedom if they earn their own money.


Let’s face it! We’ve heard it all before and we all have an opinion about it based upon our own experience. What I’ve learned by coaching and speaking with men and women about this subject is that we are all painfully aware that we’re basically living in a different day and time from the time any of us grew up. In the good ol’ days, most of us came home to a mom after school who gave us snacks and then we kissed her goodbye until dinnertime when she served us a home cooked meal. If and when we did homework, it wasn’t until middle school that we really had to study at home, and we might turn on the Brady Bunch or Gomer Pile to unwind after an afternoon at the neighborhood pool or playing Simon Says. We worried about whether we were going to get picked on a team for kick ball, and whether or not the neighborhood boy would sit next to us on the bus.

Fast forward 30 years and our teenagers are dodging bullets in our schools. Kids are learning to make explosives off the internet and as parents we’re scared stiff for our child to wander out of our site for 5 minutes so our child isn’t molested or kidnapped. Mom’s are working just as many crazy hours as their husbands or ex husbands and the kids have to fend for themselves spending hours upon hours with their best friends, the TV’s, and Video games. Conversely, they’re also getting to travel more, have more luxuries and have more conveniences than we did as children.

What is the answer to this question of working or not working outside the home? We want our kids to excel in school so we work to provide them an excellent education. We want them to be able to explore the world and travel so we work to give them opportunities that we never had. The pressure is on both moms and dads to compete for promotions at the office or to build their personal incomes or empires. Our world is globally competitive and we’re no longer competing with just the people in our own community, but now, we’re competing with everyone else around the world.

As a result, we have added tremendous pressure and stress to our lives. We’re burning out more often and our families are suffering. The divorces are up because stress is up, and if we don’t personally take control of our own lives, we can all end up being a statistic.

The bottom line is this: YOU GET TO CHOSE FOR YOURSELF! We all make personal choices depending on what is important or what we value at that point in our lives. If the kids are small and we feel that they’re better served by us saving for their future by working for their college tuition, that’s a personal choice a couple has to make. If the kids are in high school and need someone to monitor them more closely, the couple may choose to have one of the parents at home during that season of their lives.

What I’ve learned is this: We’re all doing the best we can given the resources we have at the time. Are we all making the best choices? No, not necessarily, so here are a few tips that can help aid the process along.

Put the marriage first. Couples will only stay strong as a unit if they’re able to connect frequently to discuss their ups and downs. If the couple sets aside 10 minutes a day to “dialogue” with each other about their feelings and events, the marriage has a better chance of staying a priority. Just like a car, if you don’t do regular maintenance, the car will die. A marriage is the same, without the regular focused time given to the relationship, the marriage will die and the couples will individually turn to outside sources for their support. Do things like write emails to each other during the day, have a regular coffee time where you call each other on the phone, or meet nightly in a special setting that you set up to do a dialog with each other. Practice only using encouraging words to each other and stop yourself before you use words like “you always, or you never”. These destructive words damage and don’t heal or support. Focus on supporting your mate first and foremost before everyone else.


Focus next on the family. When you married and had kids, you chose a life, and a lifestyle. Your family is going through seasons all the time. Having little children is the most demanding time of all. Discuss the needs of the children and what is going to work best for them, then plan accordingly. Kids need to feel secure so setting family time every week such as Friday night is movie night, or Saturday is chore or play time. Make things a game and decide together how the family will spend family fun time each week. We’re lucky in Orlando that there are so many things to do for families such as the theme parks, beaches and resorts are close by. Make events such as the first lost tooth memorable by doing something special. Create special holidays and traditions that are unique to your family. And try to eat together at least once a day for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

3. Realize that all of our choices bring positive benefits but also have a down side. You will have to make sacrifices along the way. Discuss these fully by making a pro and con list before you make major decisions in your lives such as should we hire a nanny or use day care? Should I go part time and receive no benefits at work in order to have more time at home? What is more important at this point in our lives, having a beautiful wardrobe or going on a nice vacation? These should all be joint decisions. And always have something to look forward to so you don’t feel like you’re never coming up for air.


For husbands:

Thank and acknowledge your wife for what she’s doing right! Tell her that you appreciate her making the meal even if she threw it together at the last minute.
Realize you’re NOT married to June Cleaver and that a messy house is the sacrifice that you might have to make if you are both working. Realize that you are now a modern man, and modern men change messy diapers, clean the toilets and occasionally do laundry.
Only have eyes for your wife and tell her how beautiful she is and that you’re blessed to have found her!
Take time out for yourself and do self care by working out and meeting with your buddies for lunch every so often. Your career isn’t going away and statistics show you’ll be more productive if you take time off every week to refuel.
Be a good partner by loving and respecting your family and their differences.

For wives:
Thank and acknowledge your husband for him working hard to support your family. Even if you do it too, understand the toll he’s taking at work and appreciate the time he spends taking care of the family.
Praise him for every thing he does in the house to help you. Yes if you are a typical family, you probably do more, but you can encourage him more by being sweet than by arguing and by nagging.
Treat him to a special dinner now and then, and make sure you have fun date nights where you dress all up and look great for him! Call it old fashioned, but guys love to have their wives look nice, so put on that make up, put on some heels now and again, and take care of your man!
Get support if you need it from friends, co-workers, counselors or experts in the areas where you need help.
Take good care of yourself by doing lots of personal self care to nurture your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional sides.


We’re all in this world at a crazy time. We’ve got stresses with money, war or children. Realize you’re just in a SEASON of life and it will get better eventually. Hang in there, and know, that the weekend is coming, and you can kick back for a few hours on the weekend to recharge, and do it all again on Monday.

We Don’t have Friends, We have Mirrors

Tonight I was in a coaching class and the instructor made the statement: “we don’t have friends, we have mirrors”. I thought that was so interesting because it is describing the law of attraction, that what we are, we attract. What we reap, we sow, etc. We develop friendships with people who have similar interests, backgrounds, or other commonalities such as location, career choice or even mental outlook.

The friends as mirrors concept is really great. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have lots of different friends that reflect different sides of your personalities, or your different moods. I admire my friends for different reasons and have different types of conversations with them when I’m with them.

I have my old friends from high school. With a couple of my friends, we can’t go 10 minutes without reverting back to talking about people from high school or talking about the “old days”. My husband just LOVES to hang out and listen to us rant and rave about all of these people who he doesn’t know! But even though I know how bored he is, I cant’ help but laugh and whoop it up with these friends even when the stories we’ve told have grown so old that my husband could recite them from memory. Then, I have friends that I talk “kids” with on a regular basis. We share our secrets for motivating our kids or swap stories back and forth of how the kids are doing at school. Several of these friends I see at school so we also have that in common. I find it comforting to connect with these friends a few times a week for short minutes at a time. I know they’re living their personal or work life in between the hours of 8-3:00PM like I am and many of us are doing kid stuff in the afternoons like Taekwando.

I have my “beautiful friends” who I talk to about staying in shape and working out. I want to spend even more time with these friends as this is an important part of my life right now. But truth be known, I sometimes avoid these friends if I’m feeling particularly sluggish, fat, or the feeling I’m having a bad hair day. And if I’m going to see any of them, I usually work out hard for several days in a row to drop a few lbs before I have to go out with them. It’s always great motivation having friends like these. I know they’re not judging me, but they genuinely know my desire to be in shape so they come armed with lots of ideas and motivation.

I have my “TV” or “PR” friends who have creative minds and are constantly in the “Know”. I find them intriguing and exciting and when I’m around them, I want to appear brilliant, creative and witty. Of course this doesn’t always happen and so I sometimes have to get back with them about something I’ve found out that they might like. I always want to feel like I’m bringing them as much value as they bring me. These folks are similar to my work associates or friends. These are people I’ve worked with or for through the years, and we catch up a few times a year. I enjoy hearing about their lives and their triumphs as well as their struggles. I knew them for a “season” in my life when we were close and although we’ll never be that close again, we’ll still remain friends, just at a distance.

Then I have a few of those, “just come as you are” type of friends. We have no masks, no games, and no agenda. We can pour out our hearts to one another without the risk of rejection and no fear of losing the friendship. These are the friends whose calls I’ll take any time of the day or night, and will return their call promptly as soon as I see it on the screen. These friends include my mom and my sister, and a few others who will always be some of my best friends. We can go months without talking, or talk every day, but the intimacy and realness is always there.

I’ve had to let a few friends go here and there. The ones who had unreal expectations of the amount of time I was able to offer in friendship, were told the truth. Others had other agendas in their lives that made it hard to relate. Still others, didn’t understand my role as a mom and the choices I made separated us by our own individual beliefs. Some new friends have had to be told that I’m just not able to get together now due to some additional responsibilities, and that in a few months, my personal situation will probably be a bit different. I’ve found that honesty is the best policy, because even new friends can tend to get their feelings hurt when you don’t respond to their invitations.

Some friends I’m surprised are still with me. I’ve been through so many personal ups and downs that I can’t believe they’re still around to cheer me on. Other friends, I wish I could connect with more, but for one reason or another their lives have taken them on a completely different journey. Many of them I miss, and will always think of them often.

If our friends are our mirrors, I’m feeling pretty good right about now. Even though my life isn’t full of socializing, I still feel the closeness of a few very dear friends and blessed to enjoy the personalities of many interesting individuals who I enjoy wholeheartedly. Lives become rich because of the friends we keep and the relationships we nurture.

We don’t have friends, we have mirrors. Who is in your mirror today?

What Parents Can do when their Child is Bullied

I have a friend Roxanne who complained to me all year that her child was ridiculed by a few boys at his school. Her boy was highly academic and on the small side and didn’t care much for sports. The kids at their school constantly made fun of her child’s physique and called him “skinny” and “dorky”.

Her son, a very sensitive boy in the 6th grade, never complained that much and didn’t want his mom interfering. He feared that the older kids might retaliate even worse and call him a “mama’s boy” if she stepped in and met with the teachers and principals. Finally, at the end of the year, my friend got up the nerve to call several of the parents and ask them if THEIR child had been the object of anyone’s aggression. She asked them if anyone had called them names and she did it from the point of view that she was just trying to get to the bottom of the issue and didn’t accuse anyone. She acted like she had no idea who any of the culprits were and told them that her son hadn’t told her any names. The parents were all surprised that anyone had been negatively singled out at the school and promised to ask their sons about it.

The next day, several of the boys came to school and apologized to my friends’ son.

I have another friend, Linda, whose daughter is in the 4th grade. She’s a beautiful girl and gifted in music. She also does gymnastics and has a very pleasant personality. She’s on the shy and quiet side and comes from a very good and moral family. She’s been taught to respect everyone and to help out the less fortunate. Unfortunately, some of her classmates hadn’t been taught to do the same.

Her classmates have young moms who are still trying to look like teenagers themselves. They drop off their kids wearing short shorts and halter tops, hoping to score a few looks with the married dads. They allow their kids to dress sexy and go to PG 13 movies. They live a bit differently from my friend who is trying her best to protect her daughter from getting exposed to the world at too young of an age. Because my friend’s daughter is on the young side for her class, and a bit shy, she is constantly made fun of for not being able to go to PG 13 movies and for the clothes she wears. The other girls have often started rumors about this young girl and have threatened the other girls that have attempted to be friends with her.

Both of my friends have kids who were bullied. This year, neither of my friends will take it any more. They are going to take action this year!

According to research, bullying can be physical, verbal or relational/psychological. Teasing or spreading rumors is just as damaging psychologically as kicking, biting or hitting. Bullying has long term consequences on kids’ self esteem. Nipping it in the bud early can allow kids the opportunity to blossom and to concentrate on school and their extracurricular activities and not have to worry about their social standing.

Parents need to know that they can and should take action. First, talk to your kids to determine what is happening at the school and casually ask if there are any bullies at the school. It’s possible that your child is being bullied or is a bully without your knowledge. It’s best to take on a supportive tone when dealing with this subject and never take action without your child knowing about it. Getting kids to open up and discuss it by listening to their feelings about it can help you gain trust with your child.

Next, if there is no anti-bullying policy at the school, it’s time to start one! Enrolling help from the teachers, PTA and other parents is the first step. You might need to have a phone campaign to find other interested parties to help. Then, the awareness campaign must begin! Meet with teachers, the principles and students start peer mediation groups will help others take over the role of educating the school. Encourage everyone to speak about it, to discuss it and to brainstorm of ways within the school to deal with bullying. Meet other schools locally to understand how they’ve been able to deal with bullying and research the internet for speakers and organizations who help parents and kids.

The bottom line is this: if your school doesn’t have an anti-bullying program in place, more than likely bullying IS happening at your kid’s school. And whether or not your kid is being bullied or is the bully, its going to take parents who are willing to step up to the plate and teach the kids that it is not acceptable behavior.

Becoming an advocate is one of the best things that you can do for your kids. They’ll learn to take care of things from a leadership point of view by taking action instead of just complaining. And complaining to others creates more frustration. But frustration coupled with strong action plan equal positive results!

Working together, we can stop the bullies! Parents and kids UNITE and stop the bullies!

Schmooze Your Way to Social Success!

If you are like 99% of the population, you probably get a bit nervous before going to a gathering of people who you don’t know. Why are we humans like that? Aren’t parties and social functions intended to be fun? Aren’t we supposed to relax, enjoy the moment, and feel energized by connecting with new people? Perhaps.
But then why is drinking alcohol so popular at parties or at bars?
Believe it or not, just knowing that everyone in the room is feeling more or less the same can help you realize that you are not alone in your apprehension. Surely, many people debated whether or not to even show up at the party. Others called around and asked what their friends were wearing, what time they might arrive, or even tried to back out at the last moment. Some of them downed a quick beer or glass of wine or perhaps took a prescribed medication to calm their nerves before scooting out the door.
Why all of this trepidation for something as common as a social party? The simple answer is that we all desire to fit in and be liked. We want to feel at ease and comfortable in any environment. We worry if what we are saying is going to be appropriate and we worry if we’ll be able to THINK of something to say. Our fear is that we will stand there with a blank look on our face and appear stupid. Luckily, there are ways you can prepare……..
There are a few easy steps that are guaranteed to help the individual who really wants to get out and develop new friends or network to improve their business or social life. While the steps are simple, they take practice and so it may be a few parties before all of the steps feel natural to you. My suggestion is that you give them a try one by one.
First, realize that everyone is in the same position. Several are probably MORE terrified than you. Knowing this will help you understand that part of your job at the party is to help OTHERS feel less threatened. Take the lead! People will be so relieved that you started a conversation, any conversation, that they will immediately think you are dynamic and interesting.
Secondly, before you arrive at the party, take a few minutes to visualize yourself enjoying yourself at the party. Imagine yourself relaxed and having a good time with others and enjoying their company. This type of preparation can be crucial to your success because once you have a mental picture of yourself in a given situation, when you are actually placed in the situation you feel as though you’ve already been there.
Third, make sure that you are in a great place emotionally. Take a minute to assess things in your life that you are grateful for, things that you love, and people that you admire. Think of how you feel about a person when the only thing they have to say is negative or complaint-based.
So keep your complaining to yourself and be ready to be optimistic, hopeful and fun. If you’re really having trouble finding something to talk about compliment your surroundings or the wonderful job the host did by bringing everyone together. Enter the party in a relaxed state.
Deep breathing is a great way to calm the nerves.
When you arrive, take a look around the room and try to connect eyes with as many people as you can, and give a slight smile. Smiling and strong eye contact says to others, "Hey, I’m nice, friendly and optimistic and I’d love to get to know others who are the same". Wander over to the punch bowl or buffet table; people naturally congregate around the food and drinks.
Another great idea is to scan the newspaper or the internet and take a minute to review what is going on in the world so you’ll be able to comment on any current events that come up. It isn’t necessary you know ALL of the details, just a few simple ones. Remember this when getting briefed on news events: who, what, when, where, why and how.
Never worry about someone else knowing more about a topic than you do- chances are they will! And they will LOVE you for giving them a chance to talk about something they are knowledgeable about and be thrilled to have someone willing to listen.
And lastly, as QUESTIONS. Let others do the talking. For instance, "This seems like a GREAT party. Do you know many people here?" And then ask to be introduced to the people they know. If you don’t want to talk about the weather, then ask if the person comes to the area or neighborhood frequently. People love to tell others about their favorite haunts in a given area. Or if you’re from the same area, ask if they’ve been to your favorite haunts. Be willing to ask questions of others, and then share of yourself. The conversation should be equally split between the two or three people who are standing in clusters. Make sure you include everyone who is near you and draw each into the conversation.
Parties are a great place to network, develop new business, or just learn about what others are exploring in their lives. It is a great opportunity to increase your own knowledge about topics you know nothing about. People will LOVE you if you become naturally curious about them and their interests and are able to talk about things other than yourself. Once you implement these steps on a regular basis, your personality will become magnetic and people will be looking for YOU, instead of the punch bowl!

Formal Versus Informal Behavior

I met and coached a CEO recently and he confided in me that it can be lonely at the top. He is recognized throughout his organization as a wise and competent person. He is there to bounce ideas off of, is running the company, having regular management meetings and retreats and is managing the hiring and firing of the company.

The big distinction that came out of the coaching when to be formal versus informal. It’s a great lesson to learn.

Being folksy and informal is part of the American way. It’s down home, “Bill Clintonesque” and fun and lively. I teach charisma which shows a person how to have the ability to switch on the personality when it’s needed. This particular CEO felt a bit taken advantage of by one of his managers. They became good friends and golf buddies and slowly the friendship was mirrored in the boardroom. Slightly, ever so slightly, the formality wore off around the other managers and the CEO became more like one of the guys and not like the leader he once was.

We discussed that every human has basic needs and one is the need to be loved and admired. Those needs need to be filled, but the question is, by whom? Does a leader need to be loved by those he leads? Does he need to be strict or a lovable teddy bear type to be effective? What about you? Can you ask yourself: When should I act formal, if ever, and when should I act informal, if ever?

Certainly, each person has the right to answer those questions by themselves but the truth is that in most circles, being completely folksy won’t garner the type of respect that a person needs in order to maintain respect for ones work. Structures, protocols and guidelines can help a person who has the tendency to be down to earth in their personality, seem more formal in work. Without those structures, the “feel” is a bit loosey-goosey and not all that credible.

I’ve gone through my own formal versus informal game recently. I’m new in a community and am building a PR, coaching and communication business. I’ve got one of those gregarious, fun and lively personalities so that’s fun when I’m socializing. I’ve realized though that in business, that personality is best left on the shelf until I’ve proven my effectiveness in business. I have found that it’s best to be effective first, and have fun later. I’ve even decided that because I’m in the community with friends AND potential clients, to save my gregariousness for close friends and family. It’s a choice that I’m making for the good of my business. And business is my priority and responsibility right now, not just having fun all of the time.

Try it on yourself. Imagine yourself with your mate’s work associates. How do you want to be seen? What about with the President of the US? How would you act with him or someone else you greatly respect? Now, imagine yourself with your best friends and your potential best clients? How is it that you want to appear and act then?

Monitoring our own behavior sometimes is a difficult thing to do. As humans we want to tend to make ourselves right all of the time and any critical look at our actions are somewhat hard to take. However, this is the best way to grow, and to improve relationships, our image and our business, by looking at ourselves.

The old saying goes, if you want to grow your business, grow yourself. What have you done to grow yourself lately?

Workshop Savvy

I’m giving a creativity workshop tomorrow for a group of people at a hospital. This is the first time that I’ve given a workshop to this group and I’ve tried to come up with several things that might make it fun. That was my only requirement: FUN.

The workshop is on creativity so I will be giving them strategies that they can use at home and in the workplace. We’ll also do several exercises that will open them up to being more creative. These will be fun of course.

But knowing what I know about it’s really more about how the participants FEEL about me, then I know that I’m going to do some exercises that will be geared towards improving their sense of self while in that room. I want them to feel GOOD about being different, unique and even a bit wacky if that’s what they do. I’ll laugh with them and not at them, and I’ll do exercises where the participants are endorsed for bringing up their special strengths.
I’m excited to give a creativity workshop to a bunch of left brained people. I know it’ll be a stretch to them but my goal is to get them to loosen up and then show them their own brilliance!

I’m hoping that’ll be the key tomorrow and I’ll let you know!

Helping Your Child Deal with Bullies

I’ve been contacted on several occasions by moms of girls who have been bullied. Most of the times, these daughters are beautiful girls who are sweet and don’t stand up to the other kids when they get teased or criticized. There are things that you can do to help your child without overstepping your boundaries. I know because I was one of those good girls who got teased and bullied in high school by some girls. They saw my “good girl” mentality as weakness and they didn’t hesitate to pounce on it. I did suffer some awful days as any young girl does, but I came out of it just fine. I also learned that there are ways to move beyond this stage of life.

Junior high and high school are the times when children are stretching their independence and learning who they are in the world. They’re falling in and out of love and dealing with the emotional turmoil of maturing physically and nature isn’t always so kind during that phase of life. I remember sweating so profusely often times that my mom had to bring me new clothes to school and that none of the female deodorants worked for me. I was an athlete and didn’t just “glisten” from the sweat. I sweat like a pig when I went out to PE and it was quite embarrassing! That’s awfully hard to try to look cute after you’ve been drenched with sweat. Luckily for the girls of today, athletes are more common and accepted. They’re also more open about things like breaking out, and getting their monthly. Still, there is a tremendous pressure these days to be thin and to look good.

I went through a phase where my best friend who I had grown up with all of a sudden developed other friends and completely turned on me with a vengeance. She started poking fun at me and telling the boy on the bus that I had a crush on him. I was completely mortified! Every day she and her friends would make fun of what I was wearing, my hair or just call me names. Just the shock of her turning on me was enough to hurt me deeply, but the fact that she pulled other girls in on it made it worse. I remember going home and laying on my bed crying because I had to face the girls every morning and every afternoon on the bus.

Since she had been my closest friend up until that point, my mom took it upon herself to pray for me that I’d get a new best friend. I was in the middle of 8th grade then and somehow, I ended up in class with an old friend of mine from 2nd grade. Alison and I started hanging around in school and then I joined in with her friends to go to the football games and shopping after school. Before I knew it, I had a whole new set of friends and the bullying pretty much stopped. I now had a pack of friends at school that were strong and so now I wasn’t alone and weak.

Later in high school when the majority of my friends graduated from the swim team, I again became the target of a pack of girls who saw me as a weakling. I was one of the “good girls” again who didn’t drink, smoke or sleep around. The girls who picked on me were on the swim team and got really good at thinking of mean things to say to me. I took it silently and put up with it for a while. My come backs were “shut up” or “grow up” but they’d all start giggling and walk on together. I was left with the other nice girls who didn’t’ have the guts to stand up to the girl bullies.

The sad thing was that I ended up losing my passion for swimming and ended up quitting the swim team that year. But my mom pulled out all of the stops again and prayed that I’d meet some new friends again. She then strongly suggested, or forced me to go on a Catholic retreat through the church. When I got there, the only person I knew was one of the most popular football players at our school. Things were looking up for me then! That weekend changed my life. I met a whole bunch of kids from the Catholic private school in town who knew my fun cousins and accepted me into their group. For the next year and a half, I had my new friends from the private school merge with some friends from our school and we all started dating each other and hanging out. It made my high school experience absolutely incredible and I’m proud to say that one of the couples is now married with 3 kids and I’m still in touch with several of those kids who are now successful adults.

I’ve since seen and forgiven my former tormentors and we’ve never spoken of it. I prefer to live in the present and not the past. But because I was bullied, I understand the hurt and the pain of a close friend turning into the enemy. The key for the parent is to switch gears, pray for guidance and for help with the teen, and then find other activities to delve into. Forcing the kid may be the only option because of the fear of the unknown but not doing anything is the alternative and that’s worse!

Parents can be the strength during a time of torment for kids. It’s a time to teach that having faith in God can turn around all things and that He can help us find the right friends. It’s a time to learn that life isn’t easy all of the time and sometimes we have to do something different in order to break us out of our shell. Walking through these tough times together can ease the pain and bring new growth. And certainly when you allow God to chose the friends, expect good days ahead!

The Wonderful People of the US

I just had the pleasure of visiting 10 cities across the United States within the past 2 weeks. (Pheonix, Sacramento, Denver, Dallas, Baltimore, St. Louis, Atlanta, Chicago, DC, and Cleveland) I was on one of my whirlwind TV tours and showing baby shower gifts to TV news audiences across the country. I’ve been coaching new moms and moms to be for quite a while so showing gifts that they’d love was my goal.

Every city I went to had the most amazing people. In most cities, I was taken by cab from the airport to the hotel. Most of the cabbies in the US are foreign born and most speak English relatively well. Many of them were highly educated in their country and are here to get reeducated and are here to provide a better life for their children. They are hard working Americans and serving the people they meet as best as they can.

In the airports, I met loads of people who are working hard and experiencing life with friends and family. Along the way I met a Presidential secret service man, the band the Black Eyed Peas, Cal Ripkin the baseball player, Edwin McCain the musician, a woman from the National Institute of Health in DC, a Councilman from Miami Beach, a Marketing manager from Yahoo, several professional women who were considering transitions in their careers, Fr. George McKenna, the Priest from the Midway airport in Chicago, a gentleman in St. Louis waiting for a liver transplant, a couple who are about to open a bed in breakfast in NY state, and loads of TV personalities throughout the nation.

Whether I was in hotels, airports, or TV stations, I found people warm, inviting and helpful. I was curious about them and they shared their stories. For the people who didn’t seem to want to talk, I was bold and enthusiastic about their city and told them I was happy they were able to help me. In every case, I was able to warm them up and they opened up to share.

I’ve found that people in airports are open to talk. It’s a great place to collect information if you’re writing a book like I am. People are all stuck there together, some a little bit nervous so talking with a stranger is always a good distraction. People just seem to spill their guts and share whatever is on their minds. I heard about tough times such as the man waiting for a liver in St. Louis with his daughter; and the insurance executive who was bored stiff with her career but supporting 5 kids as a single mom. I heard about families who were separated such as the cab driver whose wife and kids are back in Africa as he waits for their papers to clear so he can reunite their families. I talked to a young woman who was an illegal alien, and she seemed as American as you or me and was dating a Marine. I spoke with an African American woman who is getting her second doctorate degree and is probably one of the most educated people in America who shared her excitement about her new younger boyfriend. I swapped stories with the hospitality coordinator at a hotel who had to bring me a receipt and she ended up talking with me in my hotel room for an hour. She told me all about how she wants to start a catering business for kid’s parties. I was honored to meet and hear about a man who lost the use of his legs four years ago in an accident that later helped his wife become a judge and he ran against an incumbent for a city council seat and won. Oh, they also have 4 kids! What a story!

Truly, I found that if a person is open and willing to meet the person standing next to them in line, or to speak to the person who is serving them or who is working with them, I found in every case, people willing to be friendly, helpful and open. People are hungry to connect with those around them and all it takes is ONE person to go out on a limb and say Hello and ask the words, “how are you?” By looking in their eyes, and giving them an approving smile, you’re letting them know that you’re a caring person and that you’re safe. When you look into another person’s eyes, you understand that we’re all the same in many ways, no matter their age, their race or their sex. It broadens our horizons to meet others to hear about their triumphs and their tragedies. Each person I met changed me a little for the better, because I learned something new.

Traveling can be a wonderful time to connect with others. And as we all travel through the road of life, lighten up, and talk with your neighbors. You just might find a new friend, a new opportunity or a new you!

Jealous of Strangers?

The other night I went out with a few female friends to a restaurant for dinner. The bar was lively with music and energy so we opted to stay there. The four of us huddled in a corner and talked the night away, barely coming up for air. Three of the women were single and would be interested in meeting men but we were having so much fun together that no one noticed.

At one point I started speaking with one of the ladies to my right. She and her “boyfriend” were regulars at the restaurant. The woman was drop dead gorgeous. By appearance, she was a work out feign and because of her fit body, could fit into cute jeans with no problem. She looked as if she had just come back from the islands because she sported a gorgeous tan. I may add that she probably had some “enhancements” if you know what I mean.

One of the ladies in our group looked at the lady and curled up her nose in jealousy. She acted like “who does she think she is, looking so cute”. I turned to my gorgeous friend and said to her, “the other women in the bar are thinking and saying the SAME thing to you RIGHT NOW.” My friend dismissed it as if it weren’t true and went on being jealous of the other woman who was no more beautiful than she was.

About 5 minutes later I started talking with the other woman and she told me her tragic story of losing her husband a few years back. She told me that she had 4 kids who were her life and life will never be the same. Then I shared with her that two of the ladies in our group were also widows and with that she ran over to gave my friends hugs. When she got to my “jealous” friend and told her the tragedy that they both shared, there was a genuine moment of understanding. Nothing got in the way such as “she’s prettier than me or has better arms than me”. It was a truthful moment of “I’ve had so much pain in my life that no one can understand but you.” They were strangers one moment picking on each other, and intimate friends the next.

The stranger next to you can be the person who GETS you more than anyone else in the world. That person sitting next to you on a bus or in traffic is more like you than you know. They’ve had their ups and their downs. They worry about the same things. They’ve laughed and they’ve cried. They’ve loved and they’ve hurt. They’re human, and INSIDE…they’re just like YOU.


Hi Mary,
I just read your Blog and it was soooo relevant to me tonight!!! I am wondering how many people your blog touches that don't articulate that to you or more to the point how many people could use your blog and don't have access to it or just don't know it exists! Mary, it is truly that good!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so empowered by what I read in your last two entries!

It is too much for me to write about what happened specifically tonight that your blog addressed. But how incredible that your blog was that relevant to me and I am one out of millions!!!!!!!!!

Does Fear Keep you from Talking?

This past week I spoke with two separate individuals who are afraid to talk with strangers. I wondered if their mom’s told them not to ever speak with people who they didn’t know. But these weren’t kids at all! They were completely competent, successful adults. One was a 40 something supper savvy single mom and the other is a great looking 20 something single young guy. They look completely different from one another yet they share a fear of socializing that plagues millions and millions of people.

In the communication classes that I teach, I often ask for a show of hands of people who don’t enjoy small talk. Nearly everyone raises their hands. It’s a great opportunity for the people in the class to see just how many other people share this feeling. Then they explain that they often feel lonely in groups because they stand there and just don’t quite know what to say. When I ask people how many people feel like that, nearly everyone says that they do too.

Allowing the people to understand that they are not alone in this feeling is a very comforting feeling for many of the people. Many of them haven’t discussed this openly with others so it’s quite freeing for them in the classes.

This past week, these two new clients shared their stories. The young guy rides the subway every day and sees a beautiful woman that he’d like to meet. His fear is that the other riders would hear him trying to pick her up and he’d make a fool of himself. I sent him back out into the world this week to start conversations with other people on the subway who were less threatening to him. I encouraged him to speak to whoever is standing next to him, whether it’s an older woman, a child or a guy his own age. I explained to him that practicing in low stress situations is one way to build his communication and small talk muscle. The more he practices it the easier it will get.

The 40ish woman I coached is a beautiful woman on the outside. She dresses snazzy and up to date. She’s got a good job and is a pleasant and fun conversationalist. Yet, she’s got intense fear around strangers. She is so petite that she sometimes feels slighted in conversations. I asked if she felt that was a “deficit” and she said absolutely YES.

Both of these people would appear to have it all on the outside, but in their heads, they’re running around like scared children, barely keeping it together.

I encouraged them both to start looking for small opportunities to talk with the people who come across their paths. They can talk about the weather or anything practical and the best thing to do is to ask questions and then be interested in the answers. If they act genuinely interested in other people, people will start to enjoy their company more. The more they are interested in OTHERS, then the less they’ll be in their own head worrying about themselves. I challenged my petite client to joke with others about talking over her head and because she is small, would they please speak up? Using humor can definitely disarm others and encourage them to engage with those who feel they have a deficit.

Learning to communicate well is a skill that can be used for an entire lifetime. Words and conversation can fill a persons’ heart, time and bring out the best in others. Learning to make others the focal point is the best thing we can do to encourage others to chat. Conversation isn’t something to fear and getting good at it is something worth pursuing. It may be one of the only things we are able to do our whole life. Why not “do” it well?

Which Idol’s Have the X Factor?

My house is just like the millions of households across America who are glued to the set every night that American Idol is on. Since I coach people on their “showmanship” or “presence” on a regular basis, I’m often in agreement with Simon about how the singer appears. I seem to agree most with Simon and then Paula. She’s a generous spirit and such a lovely person who genuinely wants the contestants to succeed. Randy is probably the best in terms of the vocals and that’s not my specialty.

My specialty is getting people to have the “X” Factor.

I know it when I see it; and I know how to let the others get it.

This past week a few contestants were let go. In my opinion this is the reason:

Ayla is gorgeous and perfect. She comes from a perfect home. She gets good grades, is a star at everything she does. Both of her parents are well known in their high level professions and well thought of in their careers. The problem? Ayla was TOO perfect and people didn’t pull for her. People don’t WANT the perfect people to win. They want the ones with the flaws.
What she could have done and can do going forward: Since she is naturally gorgeous and is completely breathtaking even in her sweatiest place, Ayla needed to be seen with her helping someone less fortunate and show that her heart wasn’t just to strive to be better, but that there was a certain child who had challenges that she sang for. (Remember Clay Aiken?)

Gedeon was the guy that Simon told that he didn’t like his smile. The interesting thing was that it was doubtful that anyone had said that to Gedeon before; they had probably always complimented it since it’s so big… so you in your FACE. But, there is a certain truth to what Simon said though and I think subconsciously it was annoying to others. No one can be happy all the time and it comes off as insincere. His voice was the most soulful beautiful voice, yet Gedeon needed to tone down the attitude, the smile and the blessing everyone after they spoke with him. He had the goods, he just oversold it. Had he been understated, lost the hair and maintained a since of humble, he’d still be in the competition.

Kinnik Sky should have a good career as an actor/ singer anyway. She proved herself to be a class act and probably didn’t need to try to be country when she’s really a lovely woman who has a classy side. Her song choices needed to show WHO she is, not who she wants to be. Kinnik: Stick to classic, classy songs, jazz, something like that. After you’ve had a few hits, expand to fit in the others but you LOOK like a Jazz artist and that is what is going to sell YOU.

Will- The darling, gentleman who sang “How Sweet it is” sang it 10x better the second night when he really was loose and had fun with it. I think that the secret to him not getting to the next stage was his age or lack of showmanship. He just didn’t have the confidence to do anything unique or different. If I would have been coaching him, I probably would have selected a more modern song and gone for that 11-15 year old vote and gotten him to show a bit more edge which would have gotten the 20 something women interested. As it was he just came across as sweet. Not memorable.

By Edge, I mean what Kelly Pickler did! As she sang she shimmied to the floor and back up again without as much as a struggle shown anywhere on her lovely face. It was sweet and sexy and unique and risky. It appears that someone worked with Kelly to perfect those moves because she did it without even looking nervous until afterwards when Simon embarrassingly called her a “minx”. After he said it, Simon picked up a huge cup and drank from it, thus covering his face. I have the feeling he was a tad embarrassed that he blubbered out those words to the world. He was attracted to what she did and his blood was boiling. Paula and Randy were just as shocked and in awe over what Kelly did. She won a huge fan base that night, especially by being so enthusiastic that anyone would find her appealing. Her attitude is fresh and genuine. She’ll go far in this competition.

I just have to say a few words about Brenna. Brenna has probably had to struggle since childhood to get anyone’s attention. Unfortunately she has developed into a person who craves it and tries to pull the attention to her, not naturally attract it. She needs to go to her home town and start helping other people IMMEDIATELY and remake her attitude. She’ll never sell 1 album with her current attitude. She needs to look at Tonia Harding as her guide and be willing to BECOME classy… not stay in the same place. She isn’t appealing whatsoever but she can recover if she puts herself in some humbling situations to help those less fortunate. She’ll start to be grateful and not arrogant.

Ace! Let me just say that the ONLY thing that is going against this guy is that he moved to Hollywood to seek fame and fortune. That might go against him in the last show or two when other contestants are genuinely untapped talent. He already KNOWS he has talent. He’s going for the tops. But, he DOES have the goods. He has the “look” that will send women into outer space. He’s 1000x more genuine than Constintine from last year who tried to send women into space. All he did for women who are a bit older is make them roll their eyes. Anyone who TRIES to be sexy comes off as ridiculous.

Some tips for the Top 12:
Paris – stop saying you have “favor”. That’s going to start sounding arrogant and no one knows what you’re talking about (except those people who listen to preachers talk about it). Go and have fun in your songs but please start being a bit more gracious and surprised when they compliment you.

Melissa- you’re bordering on being too raw. You’re going to have to show a different side: Smart, athletic, or classy. You’re just looking a bit too sexy and that’s going to be a turn off. Your voice is fantastic, and if you can command the stage by working on using the WHOLE stage and showing vulnerability on stage, then you’re going to show that new side and gain new fans.

Taylor – You’re awesome! Keep it up!
Katherine – Let them doll you up big time. It’s going to be fun and win you votes.

BUCKY – Get some ATTITUDE man. I’d LOVE to work with Bucky! He’s got an awesome voice but doesn’t believe it or know it. He needs to jam on it and take no prisoners. He has room to grow in this competition! Simon predicts he’s going to be gone next week I bet. But if Bucky could work on his showmanship, he’d beat Kevin and keep going. He has raw talent, good looks and can sing a tune!

Mandissa, Chris and Elliot – You’re all stars!

Lisa- You’re borderline too perfect. You better start screaming and playing it up a bit that you’re not perfect all the time. If you’re TOO poised, it’s a turn off. Get a bit rowdy on your play time and let the cameras see that. It wouldn’t hurt to show that during a song either. People need to know you can let your hair down and not be afraid to get dirty.

Kevin – Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re getting noticed as the cute boy and the “nerd” who has a voice. You’re perfect. You’re just too young to try to be act older, so you’re perfect and you’re going to get noticed. You’re not going to win, but your life has now changed. Congratulations!

So there you have it. Some have the X Factor, and some don’t. But with a few tweaks here and there, they could all have it and become memorable long after this competition is over.

Good luck to the top 12!

Minimize the Daily Struggles by Focusing on the Bigger Picture

Today was a great day. Today I saw a young woman take a giant step in her life and move toward her purpose in life. It brought tears to her eyes and she GOT it. She clearly grasps her purpose for her life. It was the huge “Ahh-HA” that she needed to get unstuck in her life and now it’s going to take action on her part to move towards that purpose.

This beautiful young woman is 28, is single, has two boys 8 & 10 and works full time. Her ex isn’t in her life and one of her boys has developmental delays. Since she had babies so young she never finished school but has worked ever since she had the kids. She’s smart, kind and a devoted mom. She’s respected at work and has a great support network of friends.

Lindsay is the type of women that men really like. She’s gorgeous, intelligent, warm and witty and very kind hearted. But Lindsay confided to me today that she often breaks off relationships when the men disappoint her in some way. She’s aware that her own insecurities and jealousies have made her push great guys away from her and she’s conscious that she might be close to doing that to her current boyfriend. He’s loving and devoted and she admitted that she is falling in love with him.

Our coaching session started out with her wanting to know how to handle her boyfriend and what to do about their future. I explained to her that if it’s been a pattern in her life then it’s more important to look at her and to build her own foundation than to focus on the externals with relationships that may or may not work. I explained to her that if she continues on the same path without changing anything, then she’ll get the same results.

I cut right to the core. I asked her “what about YOU?” What is it that YOU want? What is it that YOU have the desire to do? I explained to her that as she built her relationship with God, with herself, built her intelligence, got credentials, (physical, spiritual, and mental and emotional), then her standards would automatically rise. I explained to her that the more she grew herself, more appealing she’d become to herself that she would tolerate less bad behavior from others.

When she answered that she wanted to become a child psychologist and a behavioral specialist, her eyes welled up with tears. She said that ever since she was a child, she loved knowing kids that had challenges and intuitively understood the psychology and behavior of kids. In her job, she soaks up any information she can get her hands on that have to do with the kids she serves. She had told me that before but was continuing worrying about the day to day activities, bills and circumstances in her life which got in the way. I stated that lets not look at the obstacles yet, but let’s look at the goal and work backwards.

Her goal is to get a PHD in Psychology.
Her first step, then, is to finish her undergraduate work.
She’ll have to call the admissions directors to nearby schools and explain her situation.
She may need to get a referral to get into the school.
She’s going to need financial assistance and might need to cut back on her hours at work.
She’ll then pursue a Masters and a Doctorate.
In 10 years time or less, she’ll have a Doctorate degree and two kids who have learned more from a mommy that was dedicated to bettering herself than worrying about which man to date.


Lindsay left our session so excited. She did want to discuss the “relationship” issue again about should she or shouldn’t she tolerate some of the things she is tolerating and at that point, and because I know her so well, I quirkily responded, “blah, blah, blah, those are the types of distractions that are going to get in your way to getting what you want in life.” I encouraged her to focus again on HER, on what SHE needed to get in her life so she could be proud of the hard work she put in to accomplish a goal.

She ended with a huge smile on her face. She promised to get on the phone tomorrow to the admissions counselors and to get an appointment. She shared with me that she knew that it was her “purpose” to help others with their kids’ problems and challenges. We also discussed that she was going to “spend the time anyway, so you might as well spend it doing something useful instead of wasting it.”

Coaching Lindsay this morning was another reminder to me that there are MILLIONS of distractions in life and we have the ability to choose which ones to give time and energy to on a daily basis. We all have relationships that suck our energy, bills to pay, work to do, dishes to do, trips to take, friends to see and illnesses that slow us down, but when we identify our purpose, our mission and our vision for our life, it can act as a force within us, to open the doors to the path of our future. The hard work that we put in every day towards our goal adds up overtime to accomplishing our goal. When we accomplish our goal, our self esteem rises and opportunities find us.

The road to finding our mission in life is sometimes a rocky road but its well worth it. It is by taking responsibility for our OWN life that we grow up emotionally and can be used in the world to serve others. By keeping our big goal in mind, and our purpose in our heart, we can give less importance to the daily struggles that find us. When we’re able to find and use our gift, we grow. It is by serving others with our gift that we build our self esteem. And when we are serving others at full throttle and fulfilling our destiny, our lives matter deeply.

The challenge is to find that passion, joy and connection in the world. Our challenge is to find the reason why God created us with the certain talents, joys, concerns, beliefs and dreams. When we discover that, we have discovered a meaningful life!

If your kids are watching commercials they may be learning bad manners!

I recently saw a national commercial with a family passing the (very well known) butter to each other at the dinner table. I was shocked to see the ad feature a family who each wanted to spread the butter on their bread and they asked to have someone else pass the butter by saying just that: “Pass the butter”. It happened more than once during the commercial and it sounded just as grotesque to me the second time as it did the first!

What I want to know is which advertiser is responsible for putting something so coarse and so rude on the air! Didn’t your mother teach you always to say please? At least when you pass the “Grey Poupon” you’re saying it with style!

Manners in our society have been dwindling for the past several years. People live in a constant state of rush so the little things like manners get tossed out the window. It’s such a shame too, because if you ask any executive what is the number one thing that makes a person successful, I guarantee that they won’t say, his or her intelligence. They’ll talk about team work, and the ability of getting along with others. They’ll talk about how nice the person is, and how likable.

So moms, when your kids are running out the door now in a hurry, one of the greatest gifts that you can give them is to demand that they be polite. Make them say their “pleases and thank you’s”. They may get annoyed at you now, but they’ll be thanking you 5-10 years from now when they have to be in the work force and they feel like a fish out of water. Even if they have no clue what to do, if they are nice, and polite, others will take them under their wing and help them out.

So people, let’s practice our manners at home, so when we’re out interacting with each other, we don’t end up sounding like we’re on a bad butter commercial!

The Miracle Cure for Wearing Clothes & Shoes for a Finicky Kid

My son Jeremy will almost be six years old next week. For the first 5 ¾ years of his life, putting his shoes and socks and clothes on was a struggle. It isn’t anymore. We’ve come across a miracle cure!!!

Jeremy was diagnosed this past year with Sensory Integration Disorder. He started having problems in school and so we were referred to a place called Lifeskills, in Winter Park, FL. They work with many kids with challenges and specialize in Sensory issues.

The problems we encountered at home were on a daily basis. Getting him out of bed was a struggle, finding the right breakfast and ultimately, we dreaded getting him dressed every day. Socks and shoes were constantly being pulled off and tossed. Clothes were never soft enough and the tags all had to go. I spent hundreds of dollars finding clothes and shoes that he’d keep on his body. Once, Jeremy struggled so hard with pulling off his coat, he slipped and fell, and bumped his head on a chair. That little incident cost him 15 stitches in his head.

When we entered therapy we outlined the laundry list of issues Jeremy had. The big one for us was getting him dressed. Once the therapist gave us the occupational therapy brush and showed us how to brush his arms and legs up and down and his feet, and then to do joint compressions. This brushing is actually a deep pressure massage with a surgical brush and is followed by joint compressions. An occupational therapist can train you once and you’ll use it at home. (You can find an OT by going through the school counselor or through your family doctor). It was only 2 -3 of days of brushing Jeremy a few times a day before Jeremy was able to adjust quickly to his shoes when we put them on in the morning.

It’s been like a miracle! Jeremy can now wear clothes and will put on socks and keep them there! He still prefers silky clothes like football jersey’s but he will put on socks now and not scream and cry. Before we learned of this type of massage it must have felt like he was putting a wool sweater on during the middle of August.

Learning this technique and others at occupational therapy has been a God send in our lives. We used to dread every morning getting Jeremy up and ready for school. We were late nearly every day depending upon what clothes I could find that would feel comfortable.

Now, Jeremy dresses himself on most days and our greatest concern is what to make him for breakfast. We still struggle occasionally getting him out of bed, but from what I understand, THAT could be a struggle well into his teen years. And as long as we don’t to dress him then, I think we’ll be fine with that!

How To Be a Popular Teenager

1. You are GREAT how you are!
Look around. Everyone has different skills and levels of success in school, athletics, creativity, charm, looks, grades, hobbies, etc. Make a list of all of the skills and talents that YOU have. Post it on your wall and on your mirror so you can see it and read it every day. Doing this reminds you of your self worth.. and everyone needs to do that as much as possible!


2. Life is a continual learning process
Believe it or not, whether you are in school, or working full time, the most productive people are constantly learning. Sometimes you focus on music, sometimes on languages, sometimes on your social skills, and sometimes knowing all of the music groups on MTV. Do your best to be open to things other than just what you HAVE to know or what’s COOL to know. For instance, if you are usually a sports fan, pick up a book on something cultural to do with plays or movies. If you are a music-aholic, then take some time to go white water rafting or canoeing. You’ll be more well balanced and get along with a greater amount of people.


3. Focus on looking at what is GREAT in others
When you are a teen, your life sometimes revolves around what others think! Some people can make it hard on us, and some people could care less. People like those people who show an interest in them. Start asking questions of the other kids in your class and in your school. Talk about what interests THEM. Even if you aren’t in their group, show an interest in what they are interested in or like to do. NEVER criticize, but acknowledge them for having talent and for having special interests. Even if you don’t “GET” it, you can say, “hey, that’s great”. It’ll make them feel good about THEMSELVES.


4. Learn to LAUGH and help others have fun!
Getting a kick out of others is a great way to be well received by others. If you find others humorous or funny, LAUGH. Look for things to compliment about others.. and have fun with people as much as possible. The teenage years aren’t easy and if you can focus on helping OTHERS to have fun, then you’ll be a step ahead. Be creative in your approach but don’t poke fun AT a person. There is a difference of laughing WITH the person and not AT them. Rule of thumb – if you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything at all. People always like to talk about themselves.. so get people talking and laughing!

5. Become an expert in something!
What are you interested in? Do you have a passion for writing or for sewing? Do you get a charge out of designing clothes or by the latest makeup? Do you have an interest in the martial arts? How about motorcycles or horseback riding? Wherever YOUR interest lies, become an expert in it! If you don’t have any hobbies besides watching TV or movies, you are missing the boat. If those ARE your hobbies, then you might want to PLAY an instrument! If you are a competitive athlete or totally dedicated to one activity, try to integrate another hobby or interest into your life. It’s bound to open up new conversation and friends.


6. Hang with groups!
The stress of teenage relationships is a lot to bear. Do yourself and your parents a favor by spending time in groups and not alone with the person who is the object of your affection! Getting a group of friends together is not only a great time, but it assures that you have many friends to be close to. Finding a group is the difficult part but activities like church retreats, school clubs, athletic teams or a teen sponsored event can bring teens together. Be willing to make new friends in addition to the old. Go to places where students from other schools will attend and where you can meet them. Everyone feels uncomfortable at first so just understand that everyone is in the same place. Many fun times can come from finding a good group of friends.


7. Find some positive role models
Decide what type of person you want to be and write it down. There are many positive role models and it makes it easier if you have someone to look up to. If your role model lets you down in some way, which they probably will at some point, realize that everyone is human and no one is perfect. You can have different role models for different things. Find the qualities you like in them and work on developing them in yourself.


8. Know your boundaries
Teens can be absolutely terrific and some can be absolutely horrible. One day you have dozens of friends and the next day you are the social outcast. It happens to everyone at some point and what is important to know that it is a phase. Be willing to know what you will and will not put up with and let your friends know what is and is not OKAY behavior. If someone isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve, ask why. If they continue, tell them to stop. DON”T let bad behavior go on without saying something. If someone is bullying you, take a stand. If you don’t want your parents involved, go to a guidance counselor or to a teacher. If you see someone being bullied, have the guts to stand up for the person.





9. Be a joiner!
So many people just float from class to class without having a purpose. Joining clubs, athletic teams or going to events is a great way to see and be seen. The more you get out there, the more people you are going to meet. Then, when the inevitable happens, that your best friend moves, gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a new best friend, you’ll already have other friends you can hang with.


10. Your parents are not the enemy!
If you have parents who are strict, don’t let you do everything you want, make you have a curfew, are cautioning you about certain people you are hanging with, or are all around pain in the necks, BE GLAD. Believe it or not, they aren’t as dumb as you might expect, and they were once in your shoes. They probably want to raise you to have respect for yourself and for others, and they are probably working hard to provide a good living for you. Your parents aren’t perfect, NO ONE is, but they are doing the best job they know how. Don’t forget to ask THEM how THEY are, and sympathize with them when they have a bad day, or congratulate them for successes in their lives and careers. And, I can tell you that their friends are people too! You’ll find that adults can be great friends the older you get so don’t be intimidated by their age. You can be popular and well liked with the adults too!

Educating your Child’s teachers when he has Sensory Integration Disorder

My 5 year old child Jeremy was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder this year. Learning to deal with a child with SID has been a challenge. Even more challenging has been teaching his teachers how to work with Jeremy and getting us both to the point where we were bound and determined to help this child who was clearly different. It has been somewhat of a struggle at times, but over the months we’ve developed into a team. One who works with Jeremy during the day, and me, the mom who parents him in the afternoons, evenings and on the weekends. Now, we share our discoveries with each other. But it wasn’t always that way.

We discovered that he might have this disorder one night last summer while going out with some friends to dinner. The lady we dined with is a children’s occupational therapist and listened to me and my husband discuss our child and how challenging he is.

She listened intently and didn’t make a diagnosis but encouraged us to buy the book “The Out of Sync Child”. Even though my husband was clearly skeptical, he went home that night and bought the book on line.

Our lives have been different ever since.

We started reading about SID and realized that we weren’t alone. There are literally thousands of other parents who were also suffering without the knowledge or the support like we were. We knew we had a child who was challenging. We just didn’t know that it wasn’t a personality problem. What we learned, was that it was a difference in the way his brain operated.

There was about a 6 week gap in between the time where we self diagnosed Jeremy because of the book and getting the real evaluation. I would have had him diagnosed the next day but there are so few resources and we had to wait until an opening occurred and we could get into see the Occupational Therapists. During that time, Jeremy was getting in trouble at school every day and I was receiving bad notes home regarding Jeremy.

The notes mostly were about his lack of attention, focus and his constant talking. He was punished daily because he couldn’t finish his work on time and was forced to sit out for 10 minutes during the 15-20 minute recess. Many days he was taken out of recess for the whole time and forced to sit on the sidelines while the other kids played or had to sit at a table to finish his work.

Other punishments have been that they took away his crayons for months on end because he broke 2 crayons. He’s been sent to the principal’s office several times for acting up and many days Jeremy was physically restrained when he had complete melt downs when either Mommy or Daddy left him behind.



Over the past several months we’ve gotten the diagnosis and have entered occupational therapy once a week. We’ve noticed remarkable changes in our son, but still know we have a long way to go. One of the hardest things is to know whether the problems are because of discipline, or SID. After reading, speaking with other parents and trying different therapies, I’ve gotten better at solving the problems.

When dealing with the teachers, I have never taken a “me versus you” approach. I have written notes to the teacher several times a week explaining what I do at home to correct a problem. I threw a complete and nasty fit I must admit when I discovered quite by accident that Jeremy was taken out of recess every day for bad behavior. Activity, running and jumping is the ONE thing that should NEVER be taken away from a kid with SIDS. It’s a complete set up for failure. I marched right to the principals office and got a meeting.

Since then, we’ve scheduled regular meetings to discuss Jeremy and his progress. Our principal saw how completely frustrated, fried and upset I was over the whole thing. She had great wisdom when she told me, “Mary, don’t do anything rash. It’s going to take some time but lets keep working on it.”. Somehow, I got off my personal high horse and listened to her encouraging words. I also opened up and started telling everyone who would listen that my kid had SID. The mothers were sympathetic and started introducing me to OTHER moms who had kids with the same problem.

The frustrating thing is that the other mom’s kids didn’t have the exact same issues as my kid, yet they were all diagnosed with the same problem. That is when educating yourself is so important. There are so many different characteristics of SID and it’s helpful to know that your child’s brain is different. And it’s helpful for you to help remind the teacher of that as well.

Because I’ve been open about our struggles, our teacher has been so willing to learn about it too. She is now working with the counselor to arrange some different things in the classroom that will help all of the kids, not just Jeremy. Our counselor has grabbed the bull by the horns and is pushing the teachers to embrace these differences and she’s becoming a resource for other counselors at other schools. She’s recommending on line resources to parents and has just been a God send to so many of the parents who suffer daily with this issue.

I’d love to say that our issues with the teachers are completely resolved. But, as issues arise, we have to look patiently for a solution to the problem. As recently as 2 weeks ago I went to the principal and showed her Jeremy’s journal that they work on every day. He used to be clearly one of the most gifted artists in the class and now is only allowed to work with pencils and is scribbling in frustration. One look at those journals by the counselor and she had him using crayons the next week. I had mentioned this to the teacher in writing a few times via my notes and still she didn’t change her mind. It did take me going to the counselor to get a change. Yet, we maintained our solidly good relationship. I know she understands that I’m trying to do the best for my child.

The relationship between the teacher and the parent can absolutely make it or break it for the child. If the teacher hates the parent, then how effective will he really be in dealing with the kid if the child is a complete challenge to everyone? I wish there was a program in every school to help the parents know how to deal with the counselors. It does take patience and wisdom and the knowledge that it’s going to be bad for a while, until everyone gets educated and finds a way to work together.

Supporting each other is the first step. I’m now hearing from other mom’s who are out there struggling all alone. I encourage them to speak up in their communities and support the other moms, to get educated, to educate their families and to educate their teachers.

One day, Sensory Integration Disorder won’t be such a mystery. Every class will have the ability to integrate these challenging children and will be set up with quiet corners, have balls for the kids to sit on, bean bags to lay on during reading time, heavy weights to sit on their laps, gum will be allowed to be chewed for the kids who need something to help them keep quiet, and the other children will understand and accept the differences. Once we educate our own kids how to manage their brains, their bodies and teach them all how they can learn best, then we’ll be at a much better place in education.

We have to dream before it can happen. Then, we can get to work together to make it happen!

Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Speaker

1. Be Prepared! The number one reason why people get nervous is that they don’t feel prepared. It is important to practice your speech over and over and over in the mirror and on tape so you can feel comfortable that your message will be strong. Fear is minimized by visiting the location of your speech in advance, meeting some of the people in advance if possible and dress for success! If all else fails, use deep breathing exercises before you go on stage to remain calm.

2. Know your subject well and have facts to support your opinion.You will have left brained and right brained people in your audience. Some people respond best to facts and figures and some of them will respond best to stories. But your story will be unique and it is important that you pay attention to getting the facts straight and list your resources. People will remember how they FELT in your presence.. and not all of the facts and figures you’ll toss out. But, it’s important to show your expertise along with being a great story teller.

3. Be a great storyteller!Not only must you have great facts to back up your speech or training, but make it personal by adding stories that are fun, interesting and have a point. Make the stories short enough to keep peoples attention and if you can be dramatic during your presentation.. even BETTER! Be willing to BE YOURSELF and incorporate aspects of your life that are unique.. if you ride a motorcycle, or have a child, add it! These are ways to make people feel closer to you as a person.

4. Have top notch marketing tools!Speakers traditionally have a one sheet that is a glossy printed sheet of a short bio, references, their picture or pictures, and the topics they can discuss. Speakers also must have a well written bio, topic sheets, any press that you have had on you, articles that you’ve written or have been written about you, and as many references as you can get on letterhead if possible. If you have out of date reference letters, white out the date and copy the letter and send it. If you have a book, you can include it but it’s not necessary. The video is perhaps the most important and should be between 5-10 min. of you speaking in front of a live audience.

5. Have a marketing & PR plan in place.Most people are using their website as a marketing tool and on the website should be downloadable pages for meeting planners to bring to their committee. Many people even have color printers so if you send a mailing out announcing your Website, they’ll be able to download everything. Send regular updates via email and even in mail form if you can afford it. It might get tossed, but it’s the consistency that people are looking for. If they see you pop up year after year, they are bound to give you a shot at some point. Many speakers have freebies on their website, give workshops to spread the word, and network with other speakers to mutually support one another. Spending time getting your name out to the media is a very worthwhile thing to do and ALWAYS mention that you are available to speak and your website by referring to it during your interview. You can offer some sort of free list or information if people go to your website. People always like to get stuff for free!

6. Be willing to be flexible and tailor presentations.Many organizations are going to want a tailored presentation. They might have a need for a keynote and a seminar and if you can offer both, you might get the business over someone who can’t. Also, if you offer a 3 day workshop, the corporation might only have 1 day available for you to work, so if you can also offer a shortened version, you’ll be seen as flexible. Many speakers work with the meeting planners or agents in advance to get as much information as possible about the group or industry. This shows you’ve done your homework and aren’t just showing up.

7. Assess your audience in advance.Organizations are made up of many different skills and skill level. Education backgrounds vary according to industry or job title. Be aware of the group that you are talking to so you won’t speak over their head, or quite frankly, below it. Audiences are smart and you really can’t ‘wing it’ much any more. While they might be polite to your face, they WILL tell your agent or spread the word and not have you back. Stay away from sexual jokes, political talk, religious references and knocking an industry or company if they are down on their luck. It is best to only speak positive about others because you are ON STAGE and people ARE WATCHING.

8. Speak for free!When you are first starting your speaking business, do whatever you can including speaking for free, workshops, training, keynotes, coaching and consulting. You never know when opportunities will arise and most speakers do a combination of all of the above in their business until they are well known and profitable.

9. Meet as many agents and bureaus as possible.If you are working with several agents, you are more than likely to get more bookings. Agents are people and like working with individuals who are professional, trained, and successful. It makes them look good. Agents usually get 20-30% commission on top of your fee, and they earn every penny. They are on the phone and marketing full time and developing the relationships that you need in order to be booked at associations, corporations and colleges. You can meet them either by visiting them in your city, by finding them on line, by going to national conferences such as the National Speaker Association conferences (www.nsaspeaker.org) or by purchasing a list of bureaus from Sharing Ideas Magazine at www.walters-intl.com.

10. Show me the Money!Back of the room sales can more than pay for your honorarium if you can arrange it. Speakers sell books, tapes, video tapes, workbooks and collaborate with other speakers on projects to sell them jointly. The most common advice is “do tapes before you think you are ready”. You can always upgrade and you should continue to upgrade!